Triggering: Uncle's fake funeral gathering thing

[Le Papillon]

I know the title's confusing. Im not really sure what it's called, but tomorrow everyone is going to my aunts, like people do after funerals, except my uncle didnt/wont be having a funeral. He went straight to cremation around noon on Monday after he died. I dont know if I want to go though.
I mean, it's my choice. I know that. But I don't know if I can be around that side of the family, knowing that he won't be there(he was the only one on that side of the family that accepted me/stood up for me) to protect me this time. I mean, I could barely do Christmas, and the only reason I could is because there was a possibility that he would come out of his bedroom(he didn't, so I ended up doing something stupid, but the hope kept me calm enought that it wasnt too bad) but now that will never happen. But I don't know if I can stay home alone either. The past two days, I've been on the very edge of a breakdown, and the only reason I was able to stop myself from falling down was because I had to hold my composure in front of my parents.
I don't know what to do- stay home or pay my respects. If I stay, I'll feel guilty. If I go, I'll feel caged. Either way, I'll get talked about. If I go, there's a good chance that I'll come home and break down. If I stay, there's a good chance I'll break down. I won't be able to do homework either way.
I just.. don't know what to do

[Ella.x]

Hi,
Sorry for your loss. Would it be possible to go for a little while, pay your respects and then leave before it gets too uncomfortable? Even if you choose not to go, you could pay your respects to your uncle in your own way? Maybe sit down and write about some of your happiest memories of him, or just light a candle and spend some time thinking about him? If he or you are religious, you could maybe visit a place of worship? There are unlimited ways to pay your respects, if you're worried about being alone, is there a friend you could ask to spend time with you to help?
I hope I've given you some good ideas and I hope you find a way to pay your respects and stay safe as well.
Ella. x

[anonymouswhale]

Hi Samuel,
I'm sorry to hear about your uncle- he must be resting in paradise now. Regardless of what you decide to do, your uncle will know that it was the choice that made you feel comfortable, and he'll look down on that knowing that your happiness comes first. Give it a thought, okay? If you don't go- you won't have an official goodbye, but is that what you really want anyway?

[Le Papillon]

Ella: Thanks. It wouldnt have been possible to go for a little while, as it was an hour or so away, and I cant drive. If I could, I probablly would have gone with that option.
Kat: Thank you as well. And no, I didnt want to say goodbye. Its too final. But at the same time, its kind of final either way.

I ended up staying home. As soon as my parents left pretty much, I compleatly broke down I cried for about an hour, and the only reason I stopped was because of some nice alcohol. *sighs* Im better today, but.. its still hard. It always seems to be, as someone I care about seems to die right when I need them to stay :\