Triggering (Weight Figures): family issues (abusive, toxic, strict or normal parenting?)

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi! (this might be triggering for some people, I'm not sure, just so that's out there)

I was not quite sure what to call this. I am not exactly sure, but I think I want advice, and if I'm being spoilt and rude or it this is abusive, toxic, strict or normal. Kind of a mix of family issues, stress and anxiety, possible-but-not-tested innattentive ADHD and body-issue stuff. I don't know, I felt this was the best place to post it because it's mostly because of my family. Not that they're totally mean and evil, but... I kind of need to vent, and this seems like the best place to do it.

I'll start chronologically, because I want to talk about a lot. (Sorry about that.)
I remember when I was 8/9/10 years old, I went to the psychologist because my mom found that I had like zero energy and I could not get out of bed very easily. I'm homeschooled, and looking back at that incident it might have been burnout.. or not (we went on a holiday to the ocean soon after and I felt a bit better there, maybe it was the sun?? idk).
I tried to explain how I felt the best in words, but I totally suck at explaining things with words because I don't really know how to feel, and, well, I was 9. Anyway, the point is, I got asked questions about general stuff and about my family, and I told the psychologist that my mom shouts sometimes, more often than my father (my mother was the one homeschooling me, and I am than kful) and basically a few days later or something, we got to the conversation of what exactly I told the psychologist. I told them, and my mom got really mad and talked about me "throwing her under the bus". I understand that she works hard, but at that point I still didn't get why telling people that my mom shouts was a bad thing.
Truth was truth, I thought. I wish it was.

Next thing I want to talk about: when I was around 12, we went to a school admissions test or something, and there while I was being given a maths/iq test my mom was told to fill in some paperwork.
Later my mom told me that one of the questions was "how do you discipline your child" and she wrote simply "time-outs" and something else. I asked her why she didn't write that she hits us sometimes as well (I really didn't mean it badly or to insult her, I just wanted to know... man, I'm so fricking bad at understanding feelings) she got so angry and asked me if I wanted to be taken away to social services, because if she wrote that she was hitting me we would go there. I said no, but looking back, that's when I started wondering: "If we would go to social services if they knew she was hitting us, then... why?" I was so confused, but I didn't talk to anybody. She had never hit us that we bled or bruised (she either hits us, twists our ears or hits us with a thick wooden spo on) except once (context: there was a fight and she struck me across the face, explain later), but plenty of times we (me and my sister) had cried.

More recently, I have started to get more 'sensitive' (I don't know right terminology sorry about that), so I don't like physical touch at all, mostly. That means when my mother wants to hug me or kiss me on the cheek, I say no.
Once, when I was leaving for one of my outdoor extracurricular classes, my mom wanted to kiss me on the cheek, I kind of ducked away, but I will admit I should've politely said no thanks. I guess I was kinda rude.
But anyway, once I had arrived back from the class, I had completely forgotten about that incident, but my mom had that kind of look on her face, and this is kind of how the conversation went.
Mom: You never take kisses or hugs from me. It's becoming rude. Once or twice, I understand, but this is unnacceptable. You're doing this because your cousin did this (*note: I do not remember ever seeing my cousin not want a kiss or hug from her mother
Me: I don't remember my cousin ever doing this. Why do you think that?
Mom: It's obvious! Stop copying everything people do just because you think it's 'cool'.
Me: I don't think it's cool. I just think it's a bit uncomfortable, and I don't really want hugs or kisses for now. Why can't you see me as a person, and not just as your child and half a person?
Mom: You don't get it! There were people watching on the street (*note: If anyone was watching us, I was not aware. There was not a soul on the road then, according to me
(this kind of repeated for a bit)
Mom: go to your room.

Now, I feel so freaking trapped in my room. I love my room and I like to go there if I want to be alone, but being sent to your room just hits different. It changes from a sanctuary to a prison of hell. I'll admit what I did was not the smartest, but my anger got the better of me, so here: my mom kept telling me to go to my room, but I put on my shoes and went out the door for a walk. She was livid. I know what I did was wrong and irrisponsible, but I just felt so trapped with her. Plus, knowing how she could hurt me before, I didn't want to be stuck in the house with her.
So long story short I went for a walk and came back after like 10 minutes, and I arrived right when my mom was driving outside in her car to look. When she was outside she had a neutral look on her face, but when we got inside her face was all ice and no smile.
she told me to go to my room, which this time I did.
Fast forward a bit more, my dad got home from work and my mom explained the situation to him. he took it lightly, joking "good on your for going walking" my mom started getting angry and then literally from then to nightfall I could not breathe properly because I was weeping. My mom tryed to talk to me, but it all seemt so irrelevant.
I find my mom really controlling and nosy, and even though her punishments dont leave long-term impact. i told my mom if I can live somewhere else and that's when she struck me on the face, and it was minor but I bled a bit from my mouth and had a bump on my gums for a while.

Going to another topic: recently, my mom has started commenting on my body a real lot. Like, "you've put on weight havent you" or "youve got chunky thighs" or "be careful don't eat that youll put on weight" or "you're such a lazy grandma you don't do any excersise" and yes, I get that exersice is important, but I don't have any energy lately and I don't want my mother to comment on my body at all. I'm not overweight at all, my bmi is 19.2. But I've noticed that I've subconciously been taking lower portions of food and eating less, but noone else is noticing. Though I may be extremely far from it, am I developing an eating disorder? Right now, I really want to become skinny like my little sister (she gets body shamed a bit for being skinny) but I know that this is not healthy in the long run. Can anyone help, whether it's writing a letter to my mother or just helping me not be so conscious about my body?

Uh... thanks for reading. That's all for now.

Also, as a question: are we as teens (what's the minimum age?) allowed to create an account on here without our family's knowledge? (not that I want to be troublesome or sneaky but I feel like my parents would ignore the dont-read-your-childs-content-without-their-permission thing on the parent information site. plus, they're quite... nosy...)[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry you're going through this! There are a few things that I can see being problematic, such as your mother hitting you, not respecting your boundaries as far as physical touch, and commenting on your body. These are unhealthy to do in any type of relationship, whether familial, romantic, or otherwise.

You mentioned your dad took things lightly when you went on a walk. Do you think he's someone you can talk to about what is going on? You can say that when -x- happens, you feel -y- or react with -z.- Ask him if he can talk to your mom or at least set up a family meeting where the two of you can talk about things and he can serve as a mediator so things don't get out of hand.

I also like the idea of writing your mom a letter if you don't think it's possible to talk to her in person. I'd use specific examples, but use "I statements," instead of "you statements" like I mentioned above. You can say things like "when people comment on my body, I feel (emotion). I would rather not have comments like this made towards me anymore." You can also talk about your boundaries with physical touch. You can tell her that it's not because you don't love her, but you don't like to be touched like that. Is there another way she can express her love to you that doesn't involve touching, such as kind words? Maybe tell her that as well. The good thing about writing it in the form of a letter is you can really put some thought into what you want to say and the things you want to get off your chest without nerves and interruptions getting in the way. You can edit the letter as many times as you want before giving it to her or leaving it where she can find it.

As far as the eating, it sounds like you could be developing disordered eating patterns. That doesn't mean you have an eating disorder right now, but disordered eating patterns aren't healthy eating habits and may or may not lead to an eating disorder later on. The thing I always remind myself of is that you can be healthy at any weight, meaning you can be healthy and overweight or skinny and unhealthy. It all depends on people's personal habits. Maybe you can ask your mom to take you to a nutritionist or dietician, because they can help you develop a meal plan that's healthy for you and your individual needs. And as far as exercise goes, you don't have to do anything extreme. Even going on a walk or doing something light in your room is a great start. Sometimes I notice I feel more energized after I start exercising, even if it means I have to force myself to get out of bed and go to the gym. But if you do start exercising it's important that you don't take it to the extreme either. I did that for a while and I did lose weight, but it wasn't healthy and I also gained it all back when the extreme exercise and dieting was no longer sustainable.

There's no age limit on joining! I think I've seen people as young as 11 on occasion. I can't guarantee your parents won't snoop so the best thing to do is log out of your account any time you are done using it and make the password something she can't guess. Also clear your browsing history if you'd like to take things a step further. If you are worried about her snooping you can also use a fake name and pick a username that isn't something that would be obvious it's you. For example, maybe avoid using a pet's name as a username unless it's a very common name. If you make an account, there's also a "panic button" you can set up. If you go to User CP -> Edit Options -> and scroll down a bit, there's the panic button option. If you turn it on, the panic button will appear on the top of whatever page you're on. If you click it, it'll take you to a separate website not related to TH (you can pick the website). This would be useful if your parents walk in the room while you're on the site. Even if you make an account you also have the option of posting anonymously so your username won't be seen by anyone on the site except for relevant moderators.

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi! Thank you so much for replying, your advice is really really helpful. And the panic button idea is simply genius. Normally i would jusy browse incognito, or have a set of 'fake/innocent' yabs open when im browsing TH or something else. Im going to consider joining thank you for your help![/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]