When Are We Too Old?

[Nick17dick]

When are we too old for sibling Rivalry?

My name is Nick and I am 17 years old. I live in Florida with my mom and dad. I have a brother Tommy who is 24 years old.

My brother and I were never close growing up. He always calling me names, hitting, punching, kicking me.
He once put my head through the wall. He locked me in a closet a bunch. And so much more.

This weekend he came over and asked if I could loan him 50 bucks. I said no.

He didn’t like that so he put me in a headlock

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello Nick and welcome to Teenhelp. It is wonderful that you have joined us and thank you so much for telling us about what you have been going through. I am sorry that this has been happening to you, siblings are always going to fight over something. It doesn't matter if you are very close or not as close. The next time he goes to touch you, turn away from him or tell him to stop putting his hands on you and ask him to leave your room. You can try letting him know that it's not okay for him to do that to you. You can also try talking with your parents about this and ask them to stop it. I hope you will be okay soon.

[Moxie.]

Hi Nick,

I'm not sure that there is a specific age when we are "too old" for sibling rivalry. Sometimes siblings do let go of their rivalries and get closer as they get older. Other times, the rivalry is just part of the dynamic of the relationship. For instance, my sister and I are 2.5 years apart and we didn't start getting closer until I moved out when I was 18 and she was 15. On the other side of that coin, a close friend of mine has 2 older sisters - she developed a close relationship with one once they became adults, while she still has a rivalry with her other sister. It truly just depends on you and your sibling and the nature of your overall relationship.

That being said, I can definitely understand how it would be upsetting to have your brother putting you in a headlock, especially as it doesn't sound like it was playful at all. Would it be possible for you to talk to your brother about his behavior? For instance, you could say something along the lines of "I understand that you're upset, but I would appreciate it if we could handle our differences or disagreements without putting our hands on each other". If that isn't possible, perhaps limiting contact with your brother would be beneficial. Since you mentioned him coming over, I'm assuming the two of you don't live together. It may be helpful for you to put your foot down and let him know that you will be setting boundaries around communication with each other until he is willing to handle any differences maturely.

I hope this helped!

Take care.

[NeuroBeautiful]

Hello Nick and welcome!

I agree that there is no specific age and it depends on the nature of the relationship. However, I do not consider what you describe as sibling rivalry. I may be of a different opinion than others, I'm not sure but this sounds a bit more severe.

Sibling rivalry to me is lighter arguing. The issues may be painful but the actual physical/emotional fighting part is not as prevalent. To me, sibling rivalry might look like a slap and then a slap back but neither questions the love of the other. In my opinion, sibling rivalry is among siblings qith equal power as well. What I mean is physically and emotionally it is an equal "fight"

Im not sure your physical size compared to his but the age difference is pretty big and my concern is that at this age there is still physical fights. This seems more severe than rivalry. I would go as far as saying that's an attack of one party towards the other (him to you) Now, I don't know if you said no to the $50 while sticking out your tongue and saying hahaha no way you loser! or you just said simply and in a neutral tone that you will not lend the money but regardless, it isn't really the equal level of retaliation to then use physical force. That's not sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry would be to say "oh yeah! Well next time I'm not giving you [insert something he gives you that you want]" It is childish in nature.

I agree that this is something to speak to your parents about if they do not already know. I would say speaking to a school counselor may be helpful as well.

[Everglow.]

Hey Nick

I don't know that sibling rivalry has a strict expiry age. My siblings and I definitely bicker a bit, and I think that's normal. I suppose what matters is the impact and scale of the rivalry, and whether it's becoming something more than that.

Your brother is definitely at an age now where he should know that hitting and physically hurting somebody isn't the right thing to do. I would say you are definitely within your rights to ask him to not do the things he is doing, even if it is something he has done as you were growing up. It is definitely made worse as he is reacting to you not lending him money by being physical with you. If you feel comfortable you could have a conversation with him about how this is making you feel and ask him to not do this in the future. You could also ask your parents to intervene and stop him if he continues later on.

[Dawn.]

Hi Nick,

As the other members have said, there isn't a particular age that sibling rivalry is supposed to end. However, it sounds like your brother isn't being nice and definitely is at a age where he shouldn't be doing what he is. Speaking to your parents or to your brother himself about how it makes you feel may help.