My mom made me cry today

[PlutoTheOpposum]

Hey, first post. I was looking for somewhere to vent because I've kinda learned I can't talk to my family...But before I start I need to give some context.

Me and my mom and dad had gotten into a GIANT argument, by fault of my own (even though it was unintentional), and my mom had stopped talking to me for a few weeks. During that time, I was venting to my older sister about how I was feeling and she was there to support me. My mom was still mad at me and not talking to me, so I told my older sister about a dance/graduation coming up because I needed someone to go with me. Since I'm finishing up middle school, this is a big deal. She said she'd go, she'd love to. We'd been talking about it for months, and eventually my mom started talking to me again. Some time later I had told her about the dance and asked her if she wanted to go, and she said "why would I want to go to your dance?" To which I said she didn't have to go, and she shrugged it off. Because we were allowed to bring two people, I instead asked younger sister to go with me.

Now where this leads to now is that my older sister found out she's supposed to work on the day of my dance, and so I don't have anyone to take me. I got home from school today and it was all going good, I didn't think anything was wrong when talking to her, and then I ask my mom if she wants to go with me to the dance since my older sister couldn't go. My mom says sure, and I don't remember exactly how it happened but it got onto the topic of how I asked my older sister and not my mom to the dance. I told her I did ask her and she said no, but she turned it around and said "no, you told me about the dance. You told me *older sister's name* and *younger sister's name* are going with you". I told her that's not what I said, and that I 100% recall asking her if she wanted to go and I told her what she had said, and she was like "I don't remember saying that, but keep making stuff up." It then got onto the topic of me venting to my older sister, and how my older sister tells my mom everything I say about her when I'm venting (not even out of a place of hatred, just frustration) I tell her I didn't mean it like that, and she says "do you know how many times I've cried because of you?" So i set the unfinished painting I had in my hands on the table (I had been showing her my paintings from school just a few minutes before that) and she says "what, are you gonna give that to *older sister's name* once you finish it?" I said no, and that I'm not even gonna finish it. She rolls her eyes and I go to go upstairs to my room, but I don't even get to the kitchen before I just break down in tears.

This isn't the first time she's made me feel like and awful person, and my self confidence/esteem/image had decreased SIGNIFICANTLY because of things she's said (and my dad, too)
So i spent about an hour crying in my bedroom.

Ty for reading this awful little vent, I just don't know if this is my fault or if this is even an issue. Maybe I'm overreacting, or exaggerating it..idk.
Advice if you have anyy ty.

[Astro04]

I understand. Me and my mom or father sometimes can have really bad moments.
It's not your fault, you just tell what you thought.
For now, let the things calmer down. One or two days to be sure.
After that everyone will forget what happened.

[Rika]

My mom sometimes makes me cry even as a grown adult. I try not to take it personally and think some of it is just due to stress of work etc. I no there's no excuse to be mistreated and yelled at, but yeah...

But yes, my parents can have bad moments but we get over it and move on usually.

[Mallika]

Hello Xephyrrx,

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry that it has been pretty tough for you.

Miscommunications are common between family members and I've had my fair share of them too. Yes, things might mellow down in a few days, so you might want to wait a bit.

Then, you might want to openly clarify matters with your mom. Start out by clarifying about the unintentional matter that happened, and then explain things from your point of view. Tell her you wish to get your relationship with her back on track and don't wish for things to remain sour. Tell her to express her concerns as well.

I'm a big advocate of transparency, and I hope that through a frank conversation, both you and your mom may be able to clear the tension.

As we grow up and develop our adult personalities, it is natural to get into arguments with parents. You will get stronger with time.

Take care

[NeuroBeautiful]

Hey there,

How are you feeling now that some time passed? I am going to respectfully disagree with the above users and say that no, this doesn't sound like normal conflict.

Yes, it is normal to have some conflict or tension in any relationship. It is called "rupture and repair". The thing is, both parties have to be emotionally safe for repair to happen. Based on your description if what happened, I get the sense that there's a lot of blaming, accusations and not taking responsibility on your mother's part. That is not a little miscommunication here and there. This is a verbal argument that lasted weeks of silent treatment followed by another argument.

Having said that, I am not here to freak you out or cause you to panic. I think that anyone whose brain is in reactivity mode is going to struggle to make clear headed choices. So the first step is to try come to a clear headspace.

Yes I do think it is important to speak to your mother and address what happened. I would not however put it in her hands to remain calm and respectful. You may want to prepare yourself to stand your ground and exactly what you want to say to her.

Try to be honest with her that her words and actions hurt your feelings. If she cannot be on the same page with you that she gave you silent treatment for a few weeks, that's a problem. Her needing space is one thing but days on end is not okay.

I would try to not be confrontational but at the same time I would mention that she hurt your feelings and how her words and actions made you feel.

Think of it as "I feel.....when you say/do....." Or " the message I get when....." Example is "The message I get when you dont talk to me for multiple weeks is that i dont matter and i have to look after myself. It makes it hard to trust. My concern is that by not speaking to me, i will have a harder time enjoying the event because i eill hsve to think about who can take me and I will be sad that my mother which was my first choice had declined to attend. If in the future, there are multiple days of you not speaking to me, I will have to find someone else to go with me to the event."