Mum cant let go

[Astar]

Hi, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks xx
So basically, as long as I’ve lived it’s always been me, my mum and my sister. We have a relatively privileged life, nice holidays, designer clothes, lots of food etc. However, me and my sister have never been given any freedom. We weren’t allowed to leave the house without my mum until we were 16. We are not allowed piercings, hair dye, tattoos, to stay out late or to express our sexuality. I am very much a lesbian but could never admit it. We are also never allowed to move out. My mum purposely does ALL the jobs and won’t ever let us help- i have offered to cook etc many times but we are never allowed, meaning at 22 i have the lifeskills of an 8 year old. Its getting more and more difficult being at home. My mum wants to do everything with me, taking weekly trips out, going shopping, constantly being in the same room, however wont let me give my opinion if it goes against hers. My sister has got to the point where she ignores both of us, and my mum spends all her time treating me like I’m 5. She has no friends and no one else except me so I literally cannot leave. My dad does live at home but has nothing to do with any of us so he is no help. Im basically stuck forever with no chance of ever having my own life. Help please

[Rivière]

Have you discussed any of this with your mum? If you haven't, it may be a good idea to. She needs to know how much her behaviour is suffocating you and will eventually affect your mental wellbeing, if it hasn't started/isn't already.

With all of that said, it would definitely be worth looking into why your mum is behaving like this. Based on what you've said, you're quite literally all she has. She has no friends, your father doesn't have anything to do with you/her, your sister has started to ignore her. It must be a terribly lonely life for her and you're the one thing she's clinging on to to help push away the loneliness. I think she needs to be made aware of her behaviour, and perhaps encourage her to go into the world and meet other people. Possibly even get her to go out to a local pub (not necessarily to drink) and take part in some of the events to meet people. Or possibly get her more involved with any sorts of hobbies she enjoys. This will put her in a better position to branch out and meet new people.

All in all, talk to your mum. Make sure she's fully aware of the effect she's having on you. You're 22. You can't live at home forever. You're going to have to leave home at some point and whether she likes it or not, you're going to end up going away and making a family of your own. You can't do that if you're stuck at home with a clingy, suffocating parent.

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thank you for coming here on TeenHelp to share your story. I’m sorry that it has been this way at home all these years.

You raised a very important matter, because at the age of 22, you should be given a considerable degree of freedom. Even if you’re living with your parents, you should still have the independence to go wherever you want by yourself, meet friends, do your hobbies, etc.

It appears that your mother is trying to be overly protective of you, which might be stemming from an insecurity she might be having deep inside her mind. Perhaps if she is able to open up about them, things might change for the both of you (and your sister).

I have a few suggestions that might help:
- Have a talk with your mom. It’s important that she knows how you have been feeling all this while. You might want to prepare some pointers that you’d like to bring up with her so that you don’t lose your train of thought. Explain everything calmly, and request her to see things from your point of view. If things get heated, try to stay calm. If need be, the conversation can be done in multiple sittings. Also do encourage her to openly express any inhibitions/worries she has, so that you can work things through/clarify things.

- Try to come to a sort of arrangement. Given that this is the lifestyle you have been leading under your mom’s supervision all these years, it can be difficult to change things overnight. Try to press for changes in small steps - perhaps get her to agree to let you go shopping by yourself, or cook a meal by yourself 1-2 days a week.

- One thing you could do is enrol in a hobby that requires you to go out physically (e.g. gym, pottery, volunteering, etc.) - the regularity of that is binding, so that might be a good place to start. It will give you the opportunity to do something by yourself, while also serving to remind your mother that you'll be fine if you were to do something by yourself without being under her constant supervision.

- I really like the suggestion Rivière gave about encouraging your mother to explore ways to meet new people. She might hesitate at first, but you can motivate her to step out and try something new!

I hope these suggestions might help. Please feel free to reach out again if there are any doubts! And I really hope things get better