Triggering (Suicide): I found out my mom hates me

[Nikk]

I was looking around my parent's room because I was bored and I found my mom's dairy. I decided to look through it because of all the times she's gone through my stuff. I flipped to a random page and it was filled with tear stains. She had written about how much she hates my siblings and I. She said hates her life because of us and she wishes she never had us. I feel so bad. I dislike my father but I love my mother. I know I haven't been the best child but damn.
I just want to die to be honest. I feel like I just make everyone's life worse. Looking back on it there have been so many times she has tried to bond with me and I pushed away out of anger. I hate myself for it. I wish I could just disappear. I've been trying so hard for the past couple of days to stay alive but this might be the final push.

Hi there, I'm sorry you haven't gotten a response yet. First of all, you had no business being in your parents' room looking through their things. I understand your mother has gone through your stuff in the past, but you're the child and she's the adult. It's her responsibility to protect you and make sure you aren't doing anything dangerous. That's what parents — at least the good ones — do.

With that being said, I'm sorry that you found out that she isn't too terribly fond of you and your siblings. But you said there were tear stains where she wrote those things, so she was clearly very upset about something you or your siblings had done. Does it make it right for her to write what she did? No. But she was under the impression that what went in her diary would never be read by anyone else.

The only thing you can do right now is step up and be the better child that your mother expects you to be, the one that she raised you to be, to become the adult she hopes you'll become someday. Every parent have a moment in a fit of despair when they say things they can't take back, or that have been long buried in the back of their minds; but that certainly does not mean your mother hates you.

Consider this: her pregnancies could have happened when she was very young, still in school — either university/college or high school —, and she was not financially stable enough to start a family. She could have been a single parent whose own parent refused to support her, threatened to throw her on the streets, and she was forced to board with close friends.

There are a lot we don't know about our parents' backstory. Don't ever assume the worst about them.

Feel free to reach out again if you need to. Take care.