This one friend is the source of all my happiness but also all my pain

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]She is my only friend, i have bad social anxiety and can't really trust anyone, but i trust her. Most of the time i'm with her i'm the happiest i can be, we get along and enjoy each others company. But sometimes i feel awful because of her. She often males me feel bad for eating a lot, often tells me she is mad at me but doesn't tell me her reason and makes me apologize,...
I keep telling myself that she is a bad friend but then i realize that i am most likely also a bad friend and feel selfish for thinking it. Even if she is mean to me, she is the only thing that makes me (occasionally) happy and without her i would be terribly lonely.
What should i do?[/size][/color][/font]

[Rivière]

I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons in having her as a friend. Be honest with yourself.

From what you've written, it seems like you're only keeping her as a friend because you would feel lonely without her. Have you considered talking to her about how she's making you feel? I understand that you may not want to jeopardise your friendship with her, but if she's a reasonably good friend, you should be able to speak to her openly, and plainly. You said that you trust her, so now may be a good time to put that trust to work, and trust that she will understand your situation.

If you can, explain to her that her comments about you 'eating a lot' aren't helping. Comments like that can make things worse. They can be quite damaging to some people. I think it's important that you make her aware of this, and maybe ask why she keeps making those comments. When she tells you she's mad but doesn't say why, it sounds like she's, in a way' trying to get your attention. Even if she doesn't answer why she's mad when you ask her, you've acknowledged her and maybe that's what she's looking for. I would also consider talking to her about this, too. Find out why she will say she's mad but refuse to tell you why. After all, if you're a good friend to her, she should feel comfortable enough to open up to you.

Is there any particular reason why she would make you apologise? How can you be expected to apologise for something that you may not have even done? That's not very friendly, and it certainly isn't fair. I could understand if you had genuinely done something to upset/offend her, but to demand an apology without even stating why she should receive one is very silly. How can you apologise for something you've done wrong if you don't know what it is in the first place? Not only that, if she doesn't tell you if you've done something wrong, how can you know not to do it again in the future?

In some ways it could be argued that, yes, your friend is a bad friend. However, I would first think about why she's behaving the way she is. She may have deep-rooted issues, or she may not even realise she's doing all of these things to you. She may not understand that her behaviour is unacceptable and may just need your help in recognising it.

It's not selfish and nor are you a bad friend for thinking the way you do. You can't help how you feel. The fact that you're posting here and asking for help on the situation shows that you care about her, and that you're in a situation you just need a little help with.

I understand the world is in a bit of a predicament at the moment, but is there any way you could also consider trying to make additional friends? If you have any specific hobbies/interests, you could try and reach out to social groups near your local area or online. I know that it can be difficult to try and move forward when you have only one friend, and I understand how difficult making new ones can be when you suffer social anxiety. Try and see if you can chat to people through a new medium. Online forums like TeenHelp are a great start!