Things I've been thinking about lately

[Skye16]

"How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?"

I don't know why I'm writing this but I am. There are times in my life when I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a busy road knowing completely well that I'll get hit if I don't move but I don't. Not because I want to die but because I don't know what else to do. I know no one is going to come and save me I have got to do that my self.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't have anything worth living for. I'm my life all I've done is to love others without receiving anything back. I love everyone except myself. I've been to hard on myself. Blaming, punishing, pushing, breaking. I look in the mirror but I don't recognize myself anymore. I still smile, still laugh at the most stupid thing, still make jokes but at the end of the day I'm not me.

I expected my family to understand how I feel. They have known me for the longest so they should know me the best but guess what I was wrong. My friends don't care either. Now don't get me wrong here I love my friends and they care about me too but I'm not the most important person for them. They've got better friends better best friends. I'm no one's priority. I'm not the first person someone thinks about in the morning, not a person someone look forward to talk, not someone's last thoughts at night, not someone people dream about. To some extent I'm okay with it but there's a small part of me that so wish to be loved. To know what it's like to have someone who actually care about my existence. Now by love I do not mean I want a boyfriend or girlfriend I want someone more than just stupid labels. Someone who cares and understand.

I'm not the prettiest person, not the smartest, sometimes not the kindest either. I know my imperfections and flaws. Everyone keeps reminding me about them anyways. But am i so bad? To be hated by everyone in my life. To not have a single person to hold on to when darkness engulfs me. To not have a single person to be glad that I am still alive.

I lay awake till 3 am cursing and blaming myself for everything. For being the poison in everyone's life, for not being good enough. Blaming myself for the mistake my parents did. There are days from my past still haunting me. Nightmares not letting me sleep. I world give anything up to erase those days from my life. Is it all my fault? Am I the reason my family is messed up? Am I reason for everyone's sadness? Should I just go away? Will they be happy once am gone? Will I ever find the answer to these questions?

People ask me how I am I just some and say fine. It's feels like a lie. But they never care enough to look in to the sadness and hurt in my eyes. But why would they care I'm no one to them.

I feel invisible. It's like I'm fading. No one notices. I get lost list easily and there is no one to guide me home or is it because I don't have a home. I wonder if anyone has noticed I've gone missing right before their eyes.

[Rivière]

The unfortunate thing about family, is that for all we live with them almost all the time, they are the ones who can make us feel truly invisible. As much as we expect our family to know us the best, whether we like to admit it or not, we each behave differently with family than we do with those outside of it. No one can truly ever know someone, and that includes those in our own family.

When you say that you're not the first person thinks about in the morning, you can't know that. As much as we'd like to be mind-readers sometimes, we're not. You can't know what they're thinking, nor how they're feeling. Life is quite cruel and painful. A lot of the time growing up I used to wonder if my friends cared about me too, or if they thought much of me if I were to disappear. The truth is, they weren't thinking about me at all. However, it wasn't because they didn't care, but because they have their own life and their own problems to deal with. In fact, some of them even thought the same way I did. What if nobody thought of them or cared about them. Though it may not seem like it, your friends care about you more than they let on. Not everyone expresses care and friendship the same way. Not everybody knows how to, either.

We all want to be loved and cared for, but remember that you are young and you have a lot going on in your life. I don't think your home situation with your family helps in that regard either. They make you feel very unloved and it affects you emotionally. It's a horrible thing when no matter how hard we try and seek the love and approval of our parents, nothing we do ever seems to be enough. The truth is, for some parents, nothing we do will ever be enough. We will never meet their ridiculous expectations. It takes time to learn and understand that we shouldn't bother. Put your energy where it belongs - into yourself.

You're not at fault for the way your family behave. I understand how easy it is to blame oneself for the happenings within a family unit, but everyone has their part to play in how a family operates. For better or for worse. There are things other family members and family friends will have done that have affected them, and are the reason for the way they behave. Do not blame yourself for their behaviour. Let's face it, you're 16 years old, you can't be blamed for a behaviour that, for all you know, happened long before you were born. Do not start putting yourself down for something you weren't even yet part of.

'I'm fine' is the world' biggest lie. Everyone says it even when they're not. It's a line we use to comfort others. It's a line we use to express, 'I'm not ok but I don't want to talk about it' or, 'I'm not ok but you probably won't want to hear it'. Have the courage to chat to a friend or someone else beyond your family and admit to them that you're not fine, you're struggling and you need someone to talk to. It's ok to reach out for help.

Don't forget you have us here at TeenHelp if you need to chat with anyone, or just want to feel less isolated and alone. We're here for you!