What to do?

[Raazkalra]

Greeting to all !

I'm an old member of teenhelp, and this site helped me a lot. Thanks for support.
Now I'm married for 2 yrs. My wife is beautiful , loving and caring. Our relationship worked very well for first yr. But now we have a problem.
We don't have any problem to each other. But the problem is she has with my mom.
Let me describe my mom: She is an old lady about 70 yrs old. She forget almost everything and repeats everything, she afraid of from her own image in mirror. She laugh loudly sometimes and cry sometimes without reason. She collects the isolated things , unrelated things.
Maybe she has dementia, OCD or Alzheimer's disease.
Now about my wife: She is a beautiful and caring 24 yr lady. She loves me and my 4 month baby a lot. She can't live without us. I love her too. But she has many past old frightened memory, which cause her sometimes panic. I asked her about every little aspects of life. Her father was a mentally upset man. Her parents used to fight with each other. She was abonded when she was 4 yr old. She had to live 2-3 yrs in a temple or on the road. Her father lost her mind completely and she afraid to her father. Her father sometimes dance in naked. Many times he throw stones on them , to my wife and her family. Her father laugh and cry a lot. He died with completely lost of mind.

My wife's mother call my wife back when he died. And then she raised her to her youth. That's is the whole story of my wife. She has instinct fears since childhood. She had a insecure childhood.

Now the problem is whenever my wife sees my mom laughing or weeping she sees a image of her father in her. She afraid . Now she is living in depression. She doesn't even speak sometimes to me about the situation but i guess what would happen when i see my wife frightened.

I love my wife and mom too. But i can't see my wife in this condition. But i can't even neglect my mom , she raised me and she loves me too. She needs caring and my father is no more. I love my mom too. I can't even think my life without her.

What should i do? Pls give your opinions.

Thanks and regards

Rakesh kalra

Hi Rakesh! Welcome back to TeenHelp! I hope you find the support you are looking for.

I am going to be completely honest and say I know very little about Indian culture, and so my response may not be the right thing or even a possibility, but I will try and understand.

It sounds like your mother may indeed be suffering from some sort of illness, possibly psychiatric or maybe a physical illness that just happens to affect thinking processes and moods. It also sounds like your wife may have some trauma, or even PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from the way she was treated in her childhood. Only a doctor can provide official diagnoses (and I am definitely not a doctor) but those things both sound like possibilities.

Honestly I would suggest fostering openness and honesty between you and your wife. You say she doesn't always talk about the situation but you can tell what's wrong. Maybe you can broach the subject with her? Marriage is a strong bond. You made a promise to support each other for the rest of your lives. Furthermore, you have a child together, which is an even stronger bond. She needs to know that she can trust you and talk to you.

I don't know what the stance is on therapy where you live, but no one can be someone's everything. It sounds like your wife may really benefit from talking to a therapist or other professional skilled in seeing clients with mental health issues, especially trauma. I know this might not be possible for many reasons, but if it is possible and it's something she thinks she's comfortable with I think it might help. Your wife could also possible try to find a support group to meet and talk with others who have been in similar situations. Those are generally low-cost and sometimes even free, if finances are an issue for you.

As for your mother, is it possible to get her to a doctor? It sounds like she might be able to benefit from some kind of medication, whether it's for dementia or mental health stuff. I realize that might not be possible, but between your wife accessing resources for trauma survivors/depression and some medical help for you mother you might be able to remedy the situation and everyone can get to a better place.

I hope this helps at least a little. Good luck, and PM me if you need anything.

Oh, I wanted to add that your wife's depression might not just be from her experiences with your mother. You said your baby is 4 months old and that's quite young. She may be experiencing postpartum depression. She should probably talk to her healthcare provider about this.

[Mallika]

Hi Rakesh,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us here on TeenHelp. I'm sorry that you're going through such a complicated situation, but as with most things, there will be a way to resolution.

As you mentioned, is evident that both your wife and mother need you. So, the solution to this would be one that would make both happy.

Let's talk about your mother first. She is an elderly lady, and like many people her age, she has certain ailments as you mentioned. Her behaviour as you described could possibly be out of her control; she might not be intentionally behaving that way but rather, it's the result of her ailments. This probably means that she needs special care. Now, are you and your wife her sole caregivers (i.e. look after her needs on a daily basis), or is there someone at home (e.g. a nurse) who looks after her? If your wife has to do the looking-after, it might be difficult for her to interact closely with your mother daily given her own traumatic past. In this case, perhaps you might want to consider hiring a nurse who stays at your home to specially look after your mother? This is not uncommon in India and is perhaps the best way you can feel at peace about caring for your mother, because you're letting someone professional look after her while she still has the joy of living under your roof, with her son, daughter-in-law and grandchild. The reason I emphasise this is because many elderly people in India fear that their children will leave them at an old folks' home; which wouldn't be a compassionate thing to do since they are already sick, old and frail. So if you haven't already, you might want to hire a nurse who will stay your place/visit everyday to specially look after your mother. This way, your mother can still stay with you and it would definitely go a long way for your wife too.

Regarding your wife, past trauma can never be underestimated. If your wife is suffering on a regular basis while being reminded of her father, it is perhaps best to seek therapy/professional counselling. I understand that going to the counsellor/therapist is heavily stigmatised in India, however, it your wife's mental wellbeing we're talking about here. It's better to resolve her internal turmoil and fears rather than allow them to consume her peace from within. Your wife is still very young and you both now have a baby (congratulations!), so it's important that your wife is given a means to cope with her past. Nowadays, you can attend therapy sessions from licensed therapists online as well. Here are some links to some useful websites:
https://www.manastha.com
https://www.betterlyf.com

I'm sure you're already being a great husband, so from time to time you can reassure your wife that she's in safe hands with you and that she can always confide in you if she wishes to speak about her past, or about any matter that is troubling her. Of course, like Eli mentioned, that alone isn't sufficient; while you can continue showing her all your support, it would be best to seek some professional therapy as previously described. As for your mother, continue showing your love and care to her. You can sit with her, chat to her, make her smile, and I'm sure she'll be very happy.

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to balance the needs of your mother as well as your wife. Remember that love and patience conquers all; continue being your caring self to both of them. When responsibilities become overbearing, you'll no doubt feel overwhelmed, so remember to also take good care of your own physical and mental health.

I hope things will work out very soon. Take care!

[Panda Solo]

Hello Rakesh,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and it does sounds that you, your wife, and your mother are going through a very difficult time. I hope that your situation has improved now.

I think the first step is definitely taking your mother to a psychaitrist to be diagnosed and treated, then next you could explain to your wife what is fundamentally going on with your mother, what her causes and symptoms are, and that your mother didn't mean to hurt your wife at all. Based on your wife's past experience, it is totally understandable why she felt this way, plus she just delievered a baby for you, so she might feel a little insecure and scared, because your mother's symptoms will remind your wife of her father. Yet the more she knows about your mother's conditions, the less emotional intensity she would experience during her daily interaction with your mother.

I hope the best for you and your family.