Mom is moving away

[Nikkkkki]

My parents havent been on the best terms for the past year or so. I havent really thought much about it but it started getting worse and worse. My dad has been mean to my mom, always commented on stuff like how she looks ugly in those clothes or how she is to fat. She has finally decided to move out. Unfortunatley I will be living with my dad most of the time as my mom will probably not be able to find an apartment big enough. I dont know how to deal with always being with my dad. He is lazy, never cleans the apartment, never takes us for walks or hikes, never cooks and never does laundry.
I will also be living with my ten year old sister. How do we take care of ourselves?

[Panda Solo]

Hello Nikki,

After reading your post, I totally understand that you and your sister are in a very difficult situation with your mother moving away and your father being such as descried. It is a very abrupt and stressful event. I think the first thing you should probably do is to give youself some time to adapt to current situation and help your sister to do so as well. You could sit down and get a piece of paper, start to list any problem or obstacle you have now, be it finaicianl, emotional, relational, safety issues, and etc. Then, you could start to find a solution for each one of them. For example, you mentioned that your father as being lazy around the house, and that means as a parent he doesn't provide a neat and organized living environment for you and your sister. You have a couple options: (1) divide the chores with your sister so that you could provide that neat and organized living environment, (2)talk politely and sincerely to your fathers about your concern with the current living environment, and (3) see if there is a close relative/friend who could lend a hand. I wish the best luck for you and don't panic!!!!!!

[Mallika]

Hi Nikki,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us here on TeenHelp. I'm sorry that you're going through such a confusing time.

I would advise you to tell your parents exactly what you're going through as a result of their arguments. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but sometimes adults need to be reminded about the repercussions of their problems on their own children. As someone who has grown up watching my parents fight almost every fortnight, I can tell you that expressing your thoughts/fears/concerns/stress openly gets parents to set aside their ego and reflect on their actions, which they wouldn't have done otherwise.

Tell your parents that you and your sister are already going through so much trauma as a result of their fights. Tell them that this sudden arrangement of your mom moving away will leave a tumultuous consequence on your day-to-day activities and would affect how you cope in school. You might want to tell your mom personally that you are super tensed about how your dad will run the house once she leaves. Sometimes, the best method to find a way out of our problems is to speak up and get a conversation going. You never know, the course of things might change after you speak.

Lastly, tell them that it is unfair that you as kids should have to go through all this for no fault of yours. That's the truth, isn't it?

If your parents don't change anything even after you speak up, that's no longer in our control anymore. But at least you've tried your best to express your concerns. In that case, like Panda said, you can turn to other solutions, such as requesting your father politely to be more proactive, reaching out to a close friend/relative for help, etc. Another thing is that sometimes, men tend to become more actively involved in caring for the home and children if their wife isn't living at home anymore, even though they might not have assisted with housework at all previously when she was present.

I really hope that things will improve. Be brave and talk to them first; as their child, you have every right to speak when you and your sister are the ones you are directly influenced by their actions.

Take care!