Just found out I'm adopted

[Starwalker]

So I just found out I was adopted. I wasn't supposed to find out. I don't even want to call them this anymore, but mom and dad were showing me and my little brother(not really my brother apparently) old family photos and stuff and out slipped the adoption papers. Of course they tried to hide them quickly but I saw enough to know they've been lying to me every day of my life. Those people I called mom and dad just lied to my face every day. My entire life has been a lie because of those pieces of crap.

Needless to say I did not take it well in the moment, and had some very choice words to say to all of them before saying that they are all dead to me. I mean I was angry. I'm still angry. None of them are really my family and I feel betrayed that my "parents" hid this from me. I just don't even know how to proceed with my life anymore

[Rivière]

I can't imagine how devastating that must have been for you. You found out in such an unfortunate and unintentional way. I understand that you feel angry. You feel lied to and betrayed.

With all of that said, may I suggest taking a step back and looking at the situation from their perspective? You're 14 years old. It's never easy for a parent to tell their child they never gave birth to them. It's common for a lot of parents to want to wait until the right time to tell their child they were adopted. Many parents wait until their child is 16-18. They wanted you to grow up having a normal, loving life. Not one where you were to grow up and feel like your parents weren't really 'yours'.

It's easy to say that they should have just told you, or to have such high expectations in knowing when the right time would be to even tell you. Or to even consider that they should have told you from a right age... but that wouldn't have been fair. Have you thought about asking them why they kept this from you? It's all very well and good yelling at them and practically wanting to disown them as parents, but maybe there was a very good reason for their decision. You won't know what it was until you sit down and find out. Sure you may say that you don't care, but do you really want to sit there being angry with feelings of betrayal for the rest of your life? You'll grow up to become very miserable. For all you know, maybe they didn't tell you for the fact they feared the exact reaction you gave them.

Take all the time you need to calm down and collect yourself, but please talk to them. Again, it was really horrifying that you found out by accident, but please don't spend your time focusing entirely on the negative aspects of the situation. You'll come off worse for it.

[Starwalker]

My parents didn't even try talking to me last night which is good because I didn't want to talk to them. Sleeping on this and just trying to come to terms with everything really hasn't changed anything. I'm still angry with them. The one thing I'm regretting about what I said yesterday is that my brother is dead to me. I do care about him still.

I'm not sure I can actually face them and have a calm conversation with them about this. Just thinking about it make me angry. If they had just told me from from the beginning.

[Rivière]

I understand that you're angry with them. Again, they kept something really big from you and you wished they'd just told you. However, they're not mind readers. They can't know what the right answer is, or that you would have preferred to have known right from the beginning. Chatting with them is the best way to find out why they kept such a huge secret from you.

You don't have to talk to them face to face as I know that can be extremely hard. You could write a letter to them explaining how they made you feel, and how you'd just wished they'd told you from the beginning. Alternatively, even a text message or an email with your feelings. That way you can get your message across to them, and you don't have to approach them to do it.

[Dawn.]

Hello there,

I am so sorry that you had to find out the way you did. Naturally, you would feel angry, betrayed and devastation. I agree with Riviere and I would write them a letter or sit down and have a chat with them, to 'clear the air' so to speak. That way, there won't be so much tension in the house and everyone knows where they stand. If you need anything, feel free to inbox me.

[Starwalker]

Originally Posted by Omen.

Hello there,

I am so sorry that you had to find out the way you did. Naturally, you would feel angry, betrayed and devastation. I agree with Riviere and I would write them a letter or sit down and have a chat with them, to 'clear the air' so to speak. That way, there won't be so much tension in the house and everyone knows where they stand. If you need anything, feel free to inbox me.

Originally Posted by Rivière

I understand that you're angry with them. Again, they kept something really big from you and you wished they'd just told you. However, they're not mind readers. They can't know what the right answer is, or that you would have preferred to have known right from the beginning. Chatting with them is the best way to find out why they kept such a huge secret from you.

You don't have to talk to them face to face as I know that can be extremely hard. You could write a letter to them explaining how they made you feel, and how you'd just wished they'd told you from the beginning. Alternatively, even a text message or an email with your feelings. That way you can get your message across to them, and you don't have to approach them to do it.

I do want to thank you both for the replies. In the end it was my little brother who got through to me after we talked for a while, at least enough to come out and start a dialog with my parents. It was really hard to even look at them. They tried to start talking about my adoption a couple of times, but could tell it was about to set me off again and stopped. I just feel like I'm this ball of anger that is slowly getting more and more compressed until eventually I'm going to reach the breaking point and its all going to come out

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,
I am so sorry that you found out this way. When you are adopted sometimes your parents or who is taking care of you now, they may not want you or the other kids or teenagers to know and just think it is okay because they are the one's who are now your parents. It is hard because if we do not know we look at them as our parents or aunt and uncle or grandparents and that it totally fine to do. Then you have the people who have adopted kids and teenagers and they are fine with letting them know that they have been adopted.

I think that it is lovely of your bother who was talking to you and was able to help you out some. I think up above talking about writing a letter is a great way and then you can give it to them or put it on your parents bed. This way you can put everything in it that you need to say and then at the end of this ask if you can all talk about this calmly together. When you have time try finding something to get your mind off of this for example going for a walk or listening to music or drawing or painting or putting on a funny movie or TV show or talking to your brother or something else that you enjoy doing. I hope that you will be okay soon.

Hi there, I am so sorry you had to find out in such an unexpected way. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling, knowing that your parents—the people that adopted you—kept this from you your whole life and then tried to cover it up when you saw the papers. I don't blame you for being hurt and feeling betrayed.

However, as it has already been said, you shouldn't be too harsh on your parents. You need to consider why they kept this from you, and they were probably planning on telling you when you were older and they knew you were mature enough to handle the news. It's a lot to take in, and especially for someone as young as you.

Ask yourself, why did they keep this from you? Maybe you were born in an unfortunate situation and your parents—the people that raised you so far—decided to adopt you from an orphanage. Or maybe the people that raised you tried for years to have children of their own and after so long, it gets tiring; so they decided to adopt instead. They consider you their own child, they've taken care of you and have raised you for the past thirteen or fourteen years.

I'm glad your brother was able to talk to you and it's perfectly fine to feel angry right now. But please don't shut them out. Consider the alternatives if they hadn't adopted you; isn't your life much better now?

I am sorry you went through this, and feel free to reach out again if you have to.

Take care.

[Starwalker]

I did finally manage to write a letter to them telling them how hurt and betrayed and angry I feel. I just put everything I've been feeling since I found out in this letter and had my brother give it to them. I got one back from them but I haven't been able to bring myself to open it and read it. I know I should, but I dont know. I almost feel scared to read it and I don't know why

[Dawn.]

Originally Posted by Starwalker

I did finally manage to write a letter to them telling them how hurt and betrayed and angry I feel. I just put everything I've been feeling since I found out in this letter and had my brother give it to them. I got one back from them but I haven't been able to bring myself to open it and read it. I know I should, but I dont know. I almost feel scared to read it and I don't know why

It's good to hear that you were able to write them a letter and were brave enough to give it to your brother. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Take your time when you open your letter and just know we'll be here if you need anything.

[Starwalker]

Originally Posted by Omen.

It's good to hear that you were able to write them a letter and were brave enough to give it to your brother. It takes a lot of courage to do that. Take your time when you open your letter and just know we'll be here if you need anything.

Thanks for this. I still haven't been able to read the letter. I've tried but something is holding me back. My brother even offered to read it to me and I almost let him but I couldn't go through with it. Its like all of the anger I felt before has boiled away and turned into fear. What's wrong with me?

[Rivière]

I'm glad you managed to write a letter to your parents! That's a really good first step.

I think your brother's idea of him reading the letter is good. How about letting him read it first and let him determine if it's ok for you to hear? Or have him just give you the gist of the contents and you can decide for yourself if you want to read it.

[Starwalker]

Originally Posted by Rivière

I'm glad you managed to write a letter to your parents! That's a really good first step.

I think your brother's idea of him reading the letter is good. How about letting him read it first and let him determine if it's ok for you to hear? Or have him just give you the gist of the contents and you can decide for yourself if you want to read it.

The furthest I managed to get was the first sentence. I couldn't get myself to read more. I finally took your advice and had my brother read it first. He said I shouldn't read it and I'm really not going to like what it says in it. Is this what I should do? I don't know

[Rivière]

Maybe you could ask your brother to elaborate on what he means?

Ultimately it's up to you what you do. Take as much time as you need.

[Starwalker]

He won't really go into the details of it. He just says there's stuff in it about my adoption that will probably make me react really badly