Sudden behaviour change in family member

[Rivière]

This is probably going to be quite long, so if anyone doesn't feel like reading, I'm just wondering if anyone has had any family members who've experienced a sudden behaviour change in a member of their family?

The reason I ask is because, since my brother (he's 31) got a job last year, he started behaving very differently. At first I put it down to the fact he finally had money of his own to spend and didn't have to worry about paying bills or being stuck on Universal Credit (job seekers benefits in the UK).

According to my mum, he said we'd be 'financially better off' once he got a job. Except we haven't been. He only goes out to buy food when HE wants something, or when my mum would ask him to. The food that he buys is specifically related to what HE likes to eat and drink. He only buys bread, milk, and electricity. Even then, he only buys the type of bread HE likes. No one here eats white bread but him. He only ever buys snacks or sweet things that HE wants to eat. He doesn't care about anything for anybody else such as anything to cook with like meat, vegetables, or fruit.

A few months back he stopped eating downstairs with everybody for dinner and now just eats his dinner in his room alone. He refuses to have a conversation with anybody or spend time with us. Even when I try and talk to him, he doesn't care to talk to me and says he's 'watching stuff'. For the times he does spend time talking to me, he tries to cease the conversation by saying, 'Time for a drink I think' (cup of tea or something), or that he needs to use the bathroom.

He refuses ti give any money towards bills, or to help pay for council tax or anything. Every time he was asked to help, he would say he can't afford it. Then about 6 weeks ago, I found out from my mum that he's now leaving home because he found a place to rent and was just waiting for confirmation that it was his. He got confirmation and instead of just properly moving out, he keeps dragging it out.

He ordered a crap ton of stuff on Amazon (bearing in mind he refused to fork out £120 for a month of council tax because he said he had no money). His rent is about £650 per month and he's paid up for 5 months. He bought a £200 smart tv, dining tables and chairs, tv stand, cups, plates, cutlery and other kitchen supplies. He even bought a brand new double bed, wardrobe, and some other furnishings. My mum is understandably upset by his behaviour because he kept claiming for months on end he had no spare money, when really he was saving up to buy everything new and even had enough for 5 months worth of rent.

He stated that he would be stopping the internet at the house because he's moving it to his new place. He never bothered to tell me he was cutting the internet, let alone even move out. The only reason I found out was because my mum told me and she waited for a while because she thought maybe he'd tell me, except he never did. I had to find out from her that I would lose access to the internet, and that he's moving out.

Today when he knocked on my door and asked if I'd 'sorted the internet' with my uncle, I was very confused, so asked him when is the internet going to be removed. He said 'When I go'. So I asked him when he's leaving, he says, 'At 10 to' so said, '10 to what? 10 to 1?' He says yes and that he did tell me the internet would be going off today. He never, ever did.

I've tried to take a step back and consider that maybe he did and that I never paid attention, except I know that he genuinely didn't. I would have remembered and am 100% confident that he didn't. Again, the only reason I knew it would be going was because my mum kept reminding me over and over since I was going to take my exam today, and had to take it early.

My mum and uncle are under the belief (and a huge one at that) that he's deeply in love with someone or at least met someone and he's so busy wanting to be with them, he doesn't realise how badly he's crapping on us. He buys a 2-bedroom house (so not even just a flat) that has a huge amount of space, in a city, with a garden. A double bed, all brand new furnishings. He says he's not going to use the spare room for his computer or have it as a study as he decided the computer is going downstairs.

I've tried to look at it from another perspective. Maybe he's seriously unhappy, or is having mental health issues... but even then, some of his behaviour doesn't add up. Why buy a TWO bedroom HOUSE and not use the spare room as a study if you're going to be alone. Why buy a DOUBLE bed and all these furnishings when he has a bed, wardrobe, desk etc already here at home? Not only that, after a while of being at his job, he started being more hygienic and showering almost every day (he showered maybe once or twice a week in the past), getting his hair professionally cut, buying new clothes, expensive shoes, shirts, even expensive cologne. I get needing to have an overhaul of clothes, but several pairs of pure leather shoes and strong male perfume is quite something. All in all, maybe my mum and uncle are right and he really has met someone and is in love with them so hard he doesn't realise how he's behaving.

I even asked a close friend on their opinion and before I could say anything, they too were under the instant belief he's going to be with someone and just wants to keep it a secret.

I mean, I understand wanting privacy. I get it. But why crap on your entire family?

He refuses to properly move out despite the fact he's paid his rent (again, £650 or so a month) because his bed and coverings are considered 'non essential' and Amazon won't deliver them until the end of the week (he's been waiting 2 weeks now I think). He still refuses to pay for any bills whilst he remains here. My mum keeps having to ask him for money.. which isn't a thing any family member should have to do when living together. He reluctantly pays for food and just buys what he wants. Only pays for electricity so he can wash/dry his clothes in the washing machine/drier.

He's basically having free easy living and refuses to leave, all because he doesn't want to move out without the delivery of his double bed.

I know he's not exactly been the nicest of people in general, but it's painfully obvious there's something more going on and it's really weird.

[random.swirls]

Yes, I've had family members changing including myself. It's not easy on others. It is hard when a family member's behaviour changes.

From what you've said about how he is now hygienic and showering sounds as if he's found someone who he likes from his work which could be why he is trying hard to make a really great impression. You mentioned that he is 31, if he has met someone he may well have said to them that he's living on his own instead of admitting that he lives with his family so he can try to impress them which could be why he has bought a place of his own.

Before he started work did he use to eat with the family? With regards to shopping, that is bad that he's not getting food for the rest of the family. As he hasn't had to do the shopping before he might still be thinking that it's everyone else's duty to do the shopping. Does he get given the shopping list? It might be that he needs someone to go with him a few times to show him how to do the food shopping.

Once he leaves the family home is there any means of keeping in contact with him, as if he has found someone he likes they could either be a good or a bad influence on him. For not paying bills, he's going to find it hard when he has to pay his own bills. It would be worth having a family talk with him and explaining that once he moves out he can't rely on the family to keep paying the bills for him.

[Rivière]

My mum has tried to get him to come do the shopping with her. He always found excuse after excuse not to. He would claim that he doesn't like supermarkets and prefers to shop online. Which he went as far as doing just to escape not having to go with my mum to do shopping. Even when he was encouraged to go on his own he would outright refuse. Part of me thought maybe he has a fear of crowds, but he seems quite happy to get on a bus that's often filled with so many people that some would have to stand up... so surely it can't be that.

As for keeping in contact, he has our phone numbers.. but for some reason, I'm the only one he seems to prefer having on Whatsapp, Steam, Facebook, or even Instagram. He refuses to accept any friend request my mum sends via social media and sticks to texting her only.

My mum tried to discuss with him about 20 minutes ago when he thinks he'd be able to properly move out, but he came up with a dozen excuses. 'Even after my bed arrives I still won't be moving in because I have no wardrobe to put all my clothes in and I don't want to just leave them lying on the floor' He then complains he can't just move out instantly because he has so much stuff to move that he has to take it bit by bit. He then claims that it'll be a long while before he can still leave even after his bed and wardrobe arrive because he doesn't have a washing machine or drier so can't wash his clothes. My mum asked him when he can buy one, he said he doesn't know because he has to watch his money.

The whole conversation seemed both shifty and very illogical. I'm not saying this is the case and I'm just speculating here, but it's as if he either just wants to drag out being at home for as long as he can so he doesn't have to pay for so much, or he wants his home to be 100% perfect before moving into it. Like it's instantly ready rather than getting things bit by bit.

I get not everyone knows how to wash clothes by hand, but he could at least learn whilst he's here at home before moving out. And he could just buy a washing line or hanger thing to hang out and air dry his clothes. It's also illogical to say that he 'has to watch his money' because he just forked out hundreds of pounds on a bed, wardrobe, even a smart tv, cups, plates, mugs, cutlery and all sorts... you know.. the very things he could easy take for free from home. He could just return or bin them at a later date once he manages to get the money to pay for those extra things.

It also seems kind of illogical that he has to watch his money when here he is still staying at home even though he's paying £650 a month for rent in a house he isn't even living in, plus council tax, plus other bills like water rates, electricity, and gas. I mean, maybe it's just me but the whole thing seems weird.. but maybe he's just THAT bad with money that he has no clue how to do anything... but in saying that, he clearly knew how much to save for all these things.

On top of all that, he keeps blaming lockdown for him not being able to move out. He says that he has to move little bits at a time because he can't take a suitcase on the bus... but every time he's left to go to his new place for the day, he could easily have put things in his backpack and took stuff here and there.

His whole behaviour and his way of thinking is just so... off?

[Celyn]

When I, or a relative has a behaviour changed, it's often been out of mental health, peer pressure/bullying, obsessions or love. It could be similar for your brother, but I'm also wondering if you know what your brother does in his spare time, when he's in his room or on his computer?

I have family members who, when earning money, just seemed to focus on their money and what they want, often as a result of growing up on benefits. Unfortunately, they couldn't handle their money very well as they would always buy lots of stuff or expensive stuff and have often been in debt and taken out loans, credit cards etc. They managed to have money to spend on themselves but never contributed to pay bills while living at home. It got to the point where companies were chasing them and they wanted to pretend they weren't living at home.

It might not be that but keep an eye out for any money or gambling issues. It might be love, but there's also the chance of being taken advantage of (some family members have been so desperate to do things like moving a stranger into an inherited house that they aren't living in).

I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. It's hard watching a loved ones behaviour change and not only that but being treated poorly in the process. I don't know what to suggest other than trying to keep the lines of communication open with your brother. Whatever is going on, it does seem suspicious and even though it would be nice to think that it's love and when things have settled it will go back to normal, but it's good to keep an open mind in case that's not the case.

[Rivière]

Thank you fall that you said. I never considered that part of his issues could be due to growing up on benefits. He has been on them for a really long time and was always bad with money, but I never considered that to be a factor.

My mum mentioned some time back that he kept going on about his manager over and over and she thought it was weird but left it at that. It was also really weird how his manager would give him so much time off work. Well beyond the 2-week limit. He took several days off in the past, another whole week of last week, half a day earlier this week, and the entire day off today.

Today he went to his new place to wait for his bed to be delivered and said how the seller he ordered from 'sent him only half a bed'. He ordered a double bed (I'm guessing a devan since they're 2 halves that clip together) and that somehow only half of his double bed arrived with the other half being from a kingsize bed... which was already leading me to think that someone else is moving in with him because no company would ever made THAT big of a mistake. He then texts my mum a short while later saying that his manager was ordering a kingsize bed and 'sent it to the wrong address'. How can a manager POSSIBLY send it to the wrong address like that!? I've tried to hard to see things from an outside perspective, but now it looks almost abundantly clear that the 2nd room is for his manager.

Part of me considered that maybe he's gay/bi/whatever else and is either in denial or is too scared to come out... but then I pushed that aside because if that were the case, there wouldn't be two beds (at least I would have thought).

If this were a situation someone else was having, I guess the only reply I could give would be to just try and wait it out because I can speculate all these kinds of things but until he finally leaves and the truth comes out eventually, I guess I'll never know why he's behaving like this.

[Celyn]

Originally Posted by Rivière

If this were a situation someone else was having, I guess the only reply I could give would be to just try and wait it out because I can speculate all these kinds of things but until he finally leaves and the truth comes out eventually, I guess I'll never know why he's behaving like this.

You made a good point here. We can speculate all we want but we just don't have enough information to go on. As hard as it is must be for you and your mum, and as much as your brother should be treating you better, all you can do is hang in there. The truth will come out eventually.

[Dawn.]

Originally Posted by Celyn

When I, or a relative has a behaviour changed, it's often been out of mental health, peer pressure/bullying, obsessions or love. It could be similar for your brother, but I'm also wondering if you know what your brother does in his spare time, when he's in his room or on his computer?

I have family members who, when earning money, just seemed to focus on their money and what they want, often as a result of growing up on benefits. Unfortunately, they couldn't handle their money very well as they would always buy lots of stuff or expensive stuff and have often been in debt and taken out loans, credit cards etc. They managed to have money to spend on themselves but never contributed to pay bills while living at home. It got to the point where companies were chasing them and they wanted to pretend they weren't living at home.

It might not be that but keep an eye out for any money or gambling issues. It might be love, but there's also the chance of being taken advantage of (some family members have been so desperate to do things like moving a stranger into an inherited house that they aren't living in).

I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. It's hard watching a loved ones behaviour change and not only that but being treated poorly in the process. I don't know what to suggest other than trying to keep the lines of communication open with your brother. Whatever is going on, it does seem suspicious and even though it would be nice to think that it's love and when things have settled it will go back to normal, but it's good to keep an open mind in case that's not the case.

Hi Sarah,

I thought the above as well. I wonder if your brother is experiencing potential stress from work or mental health. I'm obviously no psychologist but it might be something you can talk to your brother about and see what he says.

[Rivière]

So, a bit of an update on this.

Last night I was doing a bit of gaming with a friend and my brother sent me a message on Steam saying that the friend he showed me (she apparently wished me a belated happy birthday and he wanted to show me the message) may try and add me on Facebook. I couldn't reply right way because the game my friend and I were playing had no pause and had to wait until the round was over.

A couple of minutes later, he knocks on my door and I let him know he'll have to come in because I can't come to the door right away. He races in seemingly panicked and says that his friend was apparently trying to search for me to maybe add me on Facebook and then showed me the messages. I wasn't bothered because I had no clue who she was. I hadn't even heard of her until last night. I said to him that it's ok. I kept reassuring him that it was ok but he seemed to still be a little bit panicked. He then said, 'She's a bit more than a friend, that's all I'll say'. I just continued to say ok... mostly because I wasn't bothered and didn't really care. Plus the family already gathered that he was having a relationship with somebody and he just refused to tell us.

I did look her up because I did get a bit curious as to who she was, and I think she has a son... which I guess now really explains why he got a 2-bedroom house to rent. The other room is for her child.

I can see why he would keep this a secret from the family. My mum isn't exactly very good with words and she can come across quite abrasive and judgemental. While my brother's behaviour towards the family has been unacceptable, I will try and give him the benefit of the doubt and try and support him since he was kind enough to confide in me... even if it was just out of panic.

[Rivière]

Update again...

So there was a huge argument between my brother and my uncle. A lot of clashes happened and it was just as well I was there, because they were swearing at one another to the point it seemed like things were going to get physical. :/

In the end after the arguing died down, I sat with my brother and had a proper chat with him. I explained how my mum and uncle were feeling because of him, and how much I've tried to also understand things from his point of view... as well as politely let him know of his snappy behaviour towards the family. He said to me that he's been honest with my mum the whole time but it's as if she refuses to listen to him and he just gets fed up constantly going on and on. He got a 2-bedroom house not because he's moving in with anybody but because it was almost as cheap as a 1-bedroom house so decided he may as well get one with 2. Part of the reason why he wants to move out is pretty much the same reason why I went to university, my mum is being terribly suffocating and he desperately just wants to move out and forward, as well as have a life. Which are all fair and valid points.

I listened to him a lot and explained a lot of the concerns the rest of the family have had but never really talked to him about, and explained that I also understand his situation because I've been in a similar position. I think being there and listening to him helped him a lot, and maybe made him feel like somebody was there to actually listen rather than constantly interrogate him by asking millions of questions my mum often does.

My brother and uncle hugged things out. Both looked like they were on the verge of tears. Hopefully with my arbitration and trying to help relay information to one another and help both of them look at things from a different perspective, tensions will ease a bit now.