Worried for my friend

[JustSomeone]

I'm worried for my friend...
She's been lost for a while...unsure what to do with her life. She's been married for several years...and while he's not physically abusive to her, she isn't happy. They have not been able to agree on many major issues and she feels trapped. He can be mentally/verbally abusive and she has talked for a long time about leaving him. We talked about this months ago and then other financial obligations came up and she didn't do it.



Yesterday, she asked me for a huge favor. She started looking into getting her own place and moving out on her own. She asked if i could ask questions about it, because she didn't want him to see anything. So i set up an appointment for her, and she went and checked out the apartment today. She said she thinks she will take it if they offer it to her, and he still doesn't know anything about it as far as i know.



I'm worried about what will happen if he finds out. I asked her if she thinks he would ever try to physically attack her. She says she doesn't think so, but you never know how people would react to these types of things. I told her if she needs ANYTHING to let me know. She feels guilty for feeling this way and thinks that everyone will see her as the bad guy no matter what happens...... I told her that would NEVER be the case for me...... i'm there for her no matter what. She told me she's afraid, and that she's never lived on her own either... i know she could...... i told her she's the toughest person i know



I just needed to get that out...but i am worried about how he will respond if she does decide to leave....

[Mallika]

Hi there!

First off, I must say that you have been very supportive to your friend. It is clear that she is at crossroads - a really tough one that too - so kudos for being someone she can rely on.

Let me give my thoughts on this. I have seen one too many families where husband and wife have raged against each other day and night. Many of them have come to the point of divorce but just couldn't utter the word because of the taboo associated with divorce in my culture. However, sometimes separation is the only respite, because it is incredibly debilitating to put up with the emotional trauma when two people are at loggerheads with each other. If there are children in the household, it's an absolute nightmare for them too.

Your friend has decided to live separately from her husband, which indicates that she has prioritised her mental health over everything else, which is a great thing. But there is something I'd like to ask. Firstly, did she make this decision after a sufficient thinking, or did she make this decision on impulse? Because when the time comes and the husband finds out, he might beg her to stay put because he will say that he will try to be better in the future. If she didn't think it through, she might waver on that ground and might just decide to stay, which might necessarily be the best option for her as he might not live to his words.

But if she has made her decision, I would suggest that she proceed this way. She needs to tell him about her plan sooner or later, because things will be really bad for her if he finds out later without her having told him. Once her apartment dealings are complete and she has a place to move to, she should sit him down and tell him everything, and to respect her decision for her own mental peace.

She might have not lived alone, but circumstances make a person. I'm sure she will manage just fine. Like I said, the most important thing is that she needs to have made this decision after thinking it through well i.e. not on impulse.

Take care

[JustSomeone]

Thank you for the reply. at this time, she still hasn't moved out on her own, because the place she was looking into didn't work out. She is still looking for another place as far as I know. I don't think this decision was done on impulse because she has been thinking about this for a long time. But every time she ends up backing out. I think she's simply too afraid to make this decision.

[JustSomeone]

My friend finally had a talk with her husband. She's not sure if he saw something on her phone or not, because when he asked her what was going on, she told him and he didn't react. She almost expected him to get mad, to fight, to tell her not to leave...instead she got nothing. He was quiet, didn't respond, and still hasn't made any effort to help make a change. She says it breaks her heart and she feels terrible because it's her decision... but she is separating for a while. She is signing a lease and moving out in the next week or two.


I will be there for whatever she may need.

It's good that she has you to support you in this uncertain time. Please continue to keep us posted.

[JustSomeone]

Thank you! She found herself a house to move in to. She hasn't moved out yet, but is in the process of buying everything she needs for it.


She's afraid to be alone, but i promised her i will help anyway i can. I told her if she needs me to, i'll just stay over the first night she moves in. I'm proud of her for making this big step.

I am so glad your friend has a safer place to go to. That must be a huge relief for both of you! I'm happy you are able to support your friend so well. Hopefully once she moves to a new place things will really feel more stable and less stressful.

[Mallika]

Hi there,

Thanks for the update! It's so nice to hear that she has made this big step! And I'm sure she couldn't have done it without you, so you ought to be really proud of yourself for being a friend in need

Sometimes we worry more than we should - living alone might be really scary at first, but once she gets accustomed to it, it might not be as bad as previously thought. A lot of people end up loving the peace, quiet and independence

Take care, both you and your friend!