parents breaking us up

[brunomars1077]

I am 17 and my dad and step mom want a christian man for me. I have a very hurtful past and my past relationship was just too toxic for too long. As I got over the relationship I found myself and was finally able to say that I didn't need a guy to be happy because I was finally happy with being independent. One day a guy hmu and tbh I thought that he was just going to be a fuckboy or someone who was just planning on using me. I doubted how good he was. i mean he is popular, excellent scholar, and almost every girl can say that he is cute. He redefined a boyfriend for me and showed me what it is to truly care for someone. He demonstrated that he was in it for the best and he constantly reassured me that we would work out because to him something good takes time. I am not allowed to date and we had been dating for almost 5 months. my parents found out a couple days before my birthday that he was my boyfriend and my step mom, dad, and mom were all upset. but what upset them the most is that I lied to them to go hang out with him. i've never done anything sexual with him because he respects me and has never pressured me into doing anything with him. he is patient and showed me that he was going to wait for me. but when my parents found out that I had lied to them to go out with him, my boyfriend, they totally flipped. what hurts is that my step mom was so angry that she texted him behind my back and was telling him all the bad things I had done in the past and why I was immature and a liar and a deceiver and she told him that we weren't allowed to be together anymore and that if we ever tried to "re-start" anything that she would tell his parents to make him stop talking to me. He was so sweet in his response when he told her that I was a great kid and that he thought that I was one of the most mature people he has ever met. he also said that he was not aware of all the lying and deceiving I had been doing. but the thing is, that was in the past. and yes, I understand that lying is bad and i'd be really hurt if I was lied to. but my step mom made me look like i'm a liar and a deceiver..and the fact that she told him about my past mistakes and why i'm such a bad person hurts me because I don't want him to think that I'm a liar. because i'm not, I may have lied to them but it's all been under the strict circumstances i've been in. I know who I am, and I know she did it because she was mad, but now i'm not allowed to text him and I got my phone taken away and I can't message him on social media. she also told him that she had read our messages and that I knew that our messages were being monitored, but I didn't know. and now I just look like this big fat liar and like a person who only knows to lie and deceive. I know i've lied but again, it's been under certain circumstances which I don't feel confortable explaining. I don't know what to do because for the first time I felt and was sure that someone wasn't going to leave me for better. i'm hurt and i'm scared that he won't want to speak to me again. and my mom was actually there and said that she is here to support me no matter what, but i'm not allowed to go out anymore. but I really need to tell him how I feel and i'm scared to ask her to let me talk to him. I also don't have a phone anymore and it just makes the whole situation really hard. I'm embarrassed of what was told to him and my step mom is really good at making me feel so poorly and shitty about myself. and i'm scared that he won't want to talk to me any more, I really liked him and I truly think that we can and would've worked out. I don't know what to do. it hurts so bad and I don't want to go to school because i'm so embarrassed of it.

Hello,


It sounds like your parents are upset that you weren't telling them that you were meeting up with this boy. While it is understandable that they are upset it is not okay that they are talking so badly about you to this boy. I am sorry that this has happened. Do you think you could talk to them about all of this? I am not sure if they would be receptive. You mentioned that your mom has been more supportive and I think you should consider talking to her about all of this. I know that might not be easy to do but you deserve to have someone on your side. She might not allow you to talk to this boy but you deserve to have someone supportive to talk to.


Wishing you the best and if you need anything feel free to message me.

[Latte]

I'm sorry that your parents reacted this way. It was pretty unfair of them to not privately tell you what the punishment would be for your lying and deception, bashing you to the guy they know you like seems to border on cruel from my perspective, like they wanted him to learn dislike you and even if they didn't approve of your actions, it seems very thoughtless for a parent to want to ruin your relationships in the process.

I am sorry that it happened like that. I am sure that there isn't much you can do about your home situation, though there are things you can try (I'll get to that), because sadly, I am assuming that you're a minor and don't have much control over how they treat you unless it becomes blatantly abusive, in which case you could try to have child protective services intervene.

In the mean time, if you are at school or a library, maybe you can log into a computer there, you can change your passwords if your parents have them, and message him to apologize for what happened and explain your side of the story and that, for now, contact will be minimal. Personally, I think it's wrong for parents to have access to a child's passwords and pin numbers. It's one thing when the kid is 10 or something and needs a higher level of supervision online to ensure that they aren't falling into a trap with predatory people, but a teenager should have more automomy. I understand the need to protect their child BUT I feel like the best way to protect your kid is to educate them on how to be safe and to empower them to be functional humans who know how to protect themselves; monitoring every last move isn't a good idea. I'm not sure if they have your passwords though, just saying, change them and when you do that, you can usually tell facebook and such to log you out of other devices.

It sounds like you did somethings wrong in the past and now you're trying to be better. Right? Is the reason your parents reacted like they did due to them thinking your lies or deceptions were you backsliding? I think any parent would be angry about what you did though; what if something had happened to you and they actually didn't know where you were or who you were with? I know the chances of that seem slim, but that's something parents fear all the time. Of course, it sucks when your parents are being overly strict and make you feel like lying is the only choice... but it sounds like your parents reaction was even bigger due to what you did in the past. However, do they know just how much you're changing, or trying to change?

I am assuming that if you felt the need to lie to them that communication between you and them sucks right now (or in general). Perhaps you can offer an olive branch to trying to change that; you could write a simply letter so if the conversation deteriorates, you can leave the room but put the letter on the table for them to read. Don't dump everything on them right away, just tell them you want to talk, you don't want it to escalate to fighting so if it starts to get tense, you'll leave and the conversation can be continued later, that way the rules are on the table. You can write that on the letter. Then also tell them that you're sorry you lied, that you know it was a bad idea and you should have known it'd make everything worse if they found out, but you were afraid they wouldn't even give this boy a chance due to the choices you made in the past and that you didn't want your choice in dating him taken away because you felt like your parents wouldn't trust you to be responsible. Let them know a few ways that you've been trying to be more responsible, despite the lies, and that you hope they'll reconsider the punishment and give this guy a chance. Write it all down so that if it goes poorly, you can leave the letter with them for consideration and leave the room.

I hope this helps and I hope it'll be ok.