How to tell my parents?

[Jess~]

I've never actually had a serious boyfriend so I'm completely lost when it comes to this shit.

I started dating my boyfriend last Saturday and when he drove me home from our date, it was around 2-3 in the morning. I had texted my brother to find out if my parents were sleeping, so I knew if we'd be safe or not.
My brother said they were sleeping, so I thought it'd be okay. Nevertheless, I had my bf park a little bit behind our driveway, where our two cars are parked. In hindsight I should've had him park a few houses down instead.

So he kissed me goodnight which is a cute term for full on making out. Then I got out and started walking up to my house. While I was walking, I saw my dad's forehead just above the gate to our backyard, where he often goes out at night to have a cigarette. (I didn't know he went out THAT late but you learn something new everyday.)
I immediately knew he must've been spying on me and was trying to hide so I didn't see him when I walked past the gate. As I was walking past he sat down in a chair and I could see his phone light from off the wall.
To make matters worse, as I was unlocking my front door, my bf made a u-turn and drove past again to wolf whistle, which my dad definitely heard.

I've been trying to think of any other reason he could've been bent down below the gate like that. We have dogs, so there's a slight possibility he could've been petting them, or maybe looking at something on the ground or something.

I also went outside the next day to try and see how good a view he had, and I'm not sure if the two cars in the driveway blocked his view of us. Maybe he just saw the van?


IDK but all the next day I hid away in my room. I didn't even come out to eat I was so scared. My mom did come in once in the morning, and she was acting really awkward and concerned. She kept asking questions about how late I got home last night and what movies we saw (I only got home late because we went to a drive-in theater.)


I mean, maybe they don't know anything. Maybe my dad really was just bending over to pet the dogs and maybe my mom really was just surprised I got home so late. I could just be looking harder for things that make it seem like they know, right?

I think the more likely story, knowing my luck, is that my dad did see and that he did tell my mom, and now they both know and won't confront me about it.
I'm going out with him again tomorrow, but I just know when I tell them I'm "going out with friends", there will be some kind of passive-aggressive comments or something. I just really don't want to deal with this bullshit right now. I prefer to keep my home life separate from my social life because I'm two different people around my family and my friends. My parents found that out once when they went through my phone and found inappropriate texts to an ex-boyfriend, cussing, pictures of me giving the middle finger... just classic edgy teenager shit. They were dumbfounded that their "goody-two-shoes little christian daughter" could possibly act differently out in public.
But tomorrow I'm meeting my boyfriend's family, and he's been asking to meet mine for awhile too. (Even before we started dating.)
So I know that they're going to have to meet eventually, and sooner would be better than later, I'm afraid.

How do I do this? I mean, if they already know, telling them about it might blow up in my face. They'll get mad that I "lied" and "went behind their backs" again. I was thinking of telling them something like, "I didn't want to tell you until we were officially together, but I have a boyfriend now and he wants to meet you guys." My boyfriend said I should even mention that "I know you saw us together already that one night" but idk if I should bring that up again. It honestly disgusts me to think that during a personal moment like that my dad was watching the whole thing.

But I literally never talk to them about my life. I try to. I'll tell my mom stuff about my friends. Never really my dad because he never asks about anything so I've always just assumed he doesn't care, though I know that's probably not the case. I think they just have different mindsets about it, my dad wasn't too close to his family growing up and my mom was.
It still hurts me though, that I talked to my mom about the rape shit and never had a conversation with my dad about it. I don't want to be walking on eggshells about yet another subject of my life.

[del677]

wolf whistle!

(Sorry I found that humorous! I can't believe he did that! At 2am! Oh what fun...)

Thank you for the story. If I understand correctly, the problem isn't with your new boyfriend (congratulations), the problem is with your conservative Christian parents who smoke cigarettes (which sounds like a rather odd contradiction! I'm pretty sure the smoking cigarettes is an important clue somehow...)

Who knows what parents are thinking! (I thought my mom understood me, after all she's known me for pretty much my whole life, so I was quite surprised when I learned she hadn't a clue... I still don't understand her, so I guess it goes both ways.)

(Sorry about the rape. You're not alone! I'm shocked to learn how many this has happened to! I used to think oh it was a rare thing, but now I'm starting to believe the opposite!)

So your parents worry about you?

Do you have any older brothers or sisters? (I'm the oldest, and I kinda feel like I'm the practice child, and after my parents practiced on me and screwed it up, then my younger brother came along and they got it right with him.)

My guess is parents don't even know what to worry about. Like sex? Which isn't even dangerous now that we have birth control? Maybe they should be more concerned about drugs. Or maybe they've been indoctrinated by their church to fear being a non-conforming Christian or not a Christian at all is the worst thing to fear. Maybe their child will grow up to be a Hindu or Buddhist or just a nice decent good all around person.

Kind of hard for me to give much advice because I come from a much more liberal part of the country where we're all "normal" (except for me of course).

That's not what I mean, I mean, where having a boyfriend is normal and it's normal for boyfriend and girlfriend to make out and I think my parents are worried about me because I'm not normal in this way (though not by choice! I'd love to have a partner, just really bad at finding one.)

OK the other thing is this uncomfortable feeling is in you, and it stems from a belief that what you do is somehow not normal, so you need to talk with some people who will reaffirm that this all actually is normal, (and where I live, first boyfriend at 18 may even be considered worrisome late, (except for me, I was 21, so I'm not exactly an expert on this!))

So that's my suggestion, is go find some people who will tell you that you are just fine as you are, that what you're doing is just fine and normal and ordinary. It could be your parents you talk to who tell you this, or someone else. If you get enough people telling you it's normal, then you will view your parents as being the abnormal ones, rather than yourself. (Or maybe they'll all say they have the same problem with their parents, and that's normal too!)

[Jess~]

Thanks for the advice.

Yeah I used to think rape was rare too. Or just something that happened to those "other people"... you never think it's going to happen to you until it does. With anything, honestly, not just rape.

I am the oldest also and I do feel like I'm the practice child too. We older children are the "guinea pigs" of the family. A lot of times I feel like my parents think they screwed up so badly on me, they've just given up on me. Which doesn't make sense because I'm honestly not a bad kid.

I was homeschooled growing up by my two Christian parents and so I never actually got "The Talk". I learned about sex when I got my first phone and tried to Google about it, but came across porn instead. Views of sex were fucked from that point on, as you can imagine. They tracked my browser history and they grounded me for finding porn, but they never actually said the word "porn". They just kept saying that I knew what I did and it was inappropriate. They're so scared of confrontation about sex.
When I was 16, my mom finally tried to have the talk with me, except the one about abstinence and waiting until marriage "because god".
At 17 I told them I was raped, thus had my virginity stolen. As far as I know that's all they know about my "sex" life, the fact that I'm impure now.
I have also left the Christian faith, which was one of the best decisions of my life, and so to be both a non-virgin and non-religious person, I'm probably the world's biggest disappointment to them.


lol. i actually don't want to have people who tell me i'm just fine being who i am, because i know that's bullshit. there's always room for improvement and i need honest people who can give me unbiased criticism about that, not basing their conclusions on a religion or their skewed moral values.

i don't even need people telling me i'm normal, i just need people to help me with starting a conversation with my parents about telling them that i have a boyfriend.

You're 18 so technically they don't really get much of a say in who you date or, if you even decide to tell them. I know plenty of people who are 20+ years old and they do not tell their parents about someone they have just barely started dating until they feel like they want to or until they feel like the relationship is in a place where they want the person to meet their family.

That being said, since you still live with them they do have the right and the ability to impose their beliefs about dating and if you don't follow the rules they make they can kick you out. And, I am assuming, this is why you are having difficulty with telling your parents? I mean, I don't have overly strict parents and both my parents never wanted to lie to us or hide information about sex from us and so, when I stared dating, or even showed interest in dating my dad was okay with it. He just wanted me to be safe. If I am not making an accurate assumption as to why you are worried about talking to them than please feel free to clarify.

Here's what I will say, if your parents will end up trying to prevent your relationship or if they will threaten to kick you out if you don't follow their rules based on you dating...than you might not want to let them in on the fact that you are dating someone until you aren't living with them. I know two people who have experienced issues with their parents when they started dating at 18+ because the parent didn't agree with them dating or had these really strange rules and pretty much said "Follow the rules or leave". One person was able to move in with her boyfriend but the other person was not and it caused major issues in there relationship.

If your parents won't threaten to kick you out or impede on your relationship in any weird way (Maybe they won't let you have your boyfriend alone in your room). Than you should just come out and talk to them about it. Explain to them that you and him had only been talking and you weren't sure where it was going so you didn't want to tell them. Let them know that your boyfriend is willing to meet them (even wants to). It is very possible that if your parents meet your boyfriend and he is respectful during the interactions he has with them than they will come to like him.

When I first started dating my boyfriend my dad felt super uncomfortable with me staying out with him as late as I was. I told my boyfriend that he was uncomfortable with it because it was my first real relationship and my boyfriend said "That means it's time for me to meet him so he can get to know me" That meeting actually did help ease my dad's mind and he stopped being as paranoid about me hanging out with my boyfriend late into the evening.

[Markus]

I have been though this before, especially since I once dated someone of a different race and religion. I say the best way to get through this hurdle is to let them know why you have decided to talk about it instead of holding it in. This would also show your maturity as a 18 year old to be able to keep a level head with difficult situations which I hope in turn impresses your parents.

[Jess~]

Originally Posted by ~Abibliophobe~

You're 18 so technically they don't really get much of a say in who you date or, if you even decide to tell them. I know plenty of people who are 20+ years old and they do not tell their parents about someone they have just barely started dating until they feel like they want to or until they feel like the relationship is in a place where they want the person to meet their family.

That being said, since you still live with them they do have the right and the ability to impose their beliefs about dating and if you don't follow the rules they make they can kick you out. And, I am assuming, this is why you are having difficulty with telling your parents? I mean, I don't have overly strict parents and both my parents never wanted to lie to us or hide information about sex from us and so, when I stared dating, or even showed interest in dating my dad was okay with it. He just wanted me to be safe. If I am not making an accurate assumption as to why you are worried about talking to them than please feel free to clarify.

Here's what I will say, if your parents will end up trying to prevent your relationship or if they will threaten to kick you out if you don't follow their rules based on you dating...than you might not want to let them in on the fact that you are dating someone until you aren't living with them. I know two people who have experienced issues with their parents when they started dating at 18+ because the parent didn't agree with them dating or had these really strange rules and pretty much said "Follow the rules or leave". One person was able to move in with her boyfriend but the other person was not and it caused major issues in there relationship.

If your parents won't threaten to kick you out or impede on your relationship in any weird way (Maybe they won't let you have your boyfriend alone in your room). Than you should just come out and talk to them about it. Explain to them that you and him had only been talking and you weren't sure where it was going so you didn't want to tell them. Let them know that your boyfriend is willing to meet them (even wants to). It is very possible that if your parents meet your boyfriend and he is respectful during the interactions he has with them than they will come to like him.

When I first started dating my boyfriend my dad felt super uncomfortable with me staying out with him as late as I was. I told my boyfriend that he was uncomfortable with it because it was my first real relationship and my boyfriend said "That means it's time for me to meet him so he can get to know me" That meeting actually did help ease my dad's mind and he stopped being as paranoid about me hanging out with my boyfriend late into the evening.

If it was completely up to me, I would definitely never tell them. However, now my boyfriend is getting pissed because there are times where he'll spontaneously want to go out to the drive in or just spend the day together and my parents don't work well with spontaneity. I am 18, so I don't have to ask for their permission to go places anymore. However, I still have to tell them where and who I'm going with, which seems like bullshit to me. If they get suspicious when I spend the whole day out of the house, they'll come up to me the next morning and ask really invasive questions about what I did the day before. My lying abilities are nearly perfect now, if I do say so myself.

I'm actually not really afraid of being kicked out, I just don't like people getting all up in my life. I mean, I don't really even talk to my friends about anything. I'll tell them if a funny story happened with my boyfriend, but that's about the extent of it. I'm currently terrified that I may be pregnant and I haven't told anyone.
When I was little I just remember being constantly teased about "having a crush" on every single dude in my life. Even when a "cute" guy my age would come on the TV screen, my family would all stare at me. It seems like a lame excuse for not wanting to tell them I'm dating now, but yeah I just hated how they would all make fun of me for mere assumptions that I liked somebody.
I just don't want them thinking I'm super emotionally invested or anything, because then when we break up I don't really want them to try and help me. It's just awkward, my family's really bad at talking about ANYTHING so I just prefer to deal with my shit on my own.

They do have one rule where there's no people of the opposite sex allowed in our rooms... not even alone, like with a bunch of other people too. Christian households man, I swear.
But I'm glad that it helped you and hearing that makes me hope this will help them too. Thank you for the advice!

Originally Posted by Markus

I have been though this before, especially since I once dated someone of a different race and religion. I say the best way to get through this hurdle is to let them know why you have decided to talk about it instead of holding it in. This would also show your maturity as a 18 year old to be able to keep a level head with difficult situations which I hope in turn impresses your parents.

Yeah, honestly one of my biggest fears with them finding out has to do with the fact he's black. They're not racist or hate black people or anything, but due to my brothers snitching on me in the past, they do know that I've dated 2 black guys before him. When my mom found out about the 2nd one, she asked why I'm "only attracted to these black 'thugs'." Side note: they weren't thugs, they were just black. My brothers would make fun of me endlessly for having "jungle fever" to the point where it felt more like bullying than teasing. When I tried to tell my mom about how they would tease me constantly, just for having a preference, she said, "Well maybe if you brought home a white boy they'd stop."
Okay so there might be a bit of prejudice in there somewhere. I just don't want them asking - because by the 3rd black boyfriend it'll be obvious I have a preference - why I'm "only" attracted to black dudes. Which is completely untrue, but they'll think it is since I've never told them about any of my romantic interests, ever. And I honestly have no idea how to answer that question. It's just attraction based, but it was never the reason I dated my past boyfriends. I don't want to say "it just happens that way", because of course I swipe right more on black dudes than any other race. Much like anyone else swipes right more on people they find attractive, rather than people they find unattractive.

ANYWAY, I think that's a good idea. To tell them that I'm telling them because I don't want them to be suspicious or think I'm doing anything bad when I go out so much.
Thank you so much for the advice!


EDIT: i just wanna say that if he was my first boyfriend of another race, my parents wouldn't care at all. what i'm concerned about and what i think they'll be concerned about is that i obviously have a type and idk... for some reason that just makes me feel like something's wrong with me. i'm not ashamed of him at all, especially not in public. i actually love the extra attention we get as an interracial couple... from both white and black people. we've gotten glares and wide smiles from both races and it honestly is a beautiful feeling to be able to show people - especially in a time where the media is almost literally jacking itself off to a "possible race war" - that we can still unite together. idk.