Non-PG13 (Strong Language): My parents are driving me to death. What do I do??

[7aerith7]

I don't know what to do about my parents. They are so emotionally & verbally abusive. No matter what I say, whether it's something happy, a nerdy joke, something about how I think everyone should be treated equally, JUST TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL, EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH, they insult me, belittle me & laugh at me, try to start an argument with me (apparently I never know what I'm talking about. I'm always wrong about everything), make sadistic jokes to me, or try their hardest to victimize themselves in every situation (I'm a horrible person/an ungrateful shit/ a brat/ingrate/bitch/etc). I've been a straight A student my whole fucking life (in fucking pre-ap and AP classes!), I've been doing ALL of the household chores myself since I was 14, I say Sorry to people and fucking inanimate objects 100 times a day. I HIDE FROM THEM everyday. I hear them approaching & I run into my room (which has no lock so they waltz in whenever they feel like.). I'm fed up this shit. I don't deserve this. They're evil people. They verbally wish death on anyone who isn't like them & doesn't agree with them, & in recent months, they've been discussing Nazi ideas as if that's totally normal. I have fucking anxiety attacks, some type of depression, I don't fucking know, & now I get urges to hurt myself (In hindsight, I see that that's been building up for years). I can't talk about any of this to my parents or my 3 oldest brothers b/c no one in the family is apparently allowed to have a mental illness. They think it's shameful, not real, for attention, & it's all the mentally ill person's fault. But every time I try to defend myself & my beliefs I'M THE BAD PERSON. I'M JUST SO UNFAIR TO THEM. Everything I say & do is stupid and wrong, I'm an inconvenience in their lives. I've never been allowed to be in school clubs, have a part-time job, have male friends, be physically sick, sleep or be in the bathroom more than a certain amount of hours, or show any kind of negative emotions (crying is shameful, APPARENTLY!!!!!) . WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?? I'm at wit's end. My depression & bad thoughts about life are worsening b/c of them. I can't move to college campus for 7 fucking months. College has been my dream of escape since I was 12 in sixth grade when I learned what college is, but I don't know if can make it

[Chuuya]

I'm sorry that your parents have treated you this way for a while now. It is understandable to be upset by the way they are treating you and how they are enforcing their rules upon you and not allowing you any type of freedoms. I have family that is similar and I have always dreamed of going away to school to get away. It will come sooner than you realize. You will make it. You can get through it and go to school and make a life for yourself where you can live to your own standards and practice how you want to. I'm sorry that right now you are in this situation though.

Your parents are treating you in multiple unfair ways and I think maybe it would be a good idea to seek some outside help as I'm thinking you've already tried to sit down with them and be respectful about your needs and wishes. While it is a good idea to be respectful of your parents wishes and follow their rules, some of them sound like they are a little out of hand. I think speaking to an outside adult about what's going on might shed some light on what's going on and how you can help your situation that you are in. I think the main problem is how you feel as though your parents only look at the negatives of what you are doing and not on any of your accomplishments. It can be frustrating when it feels like everything you do is wrong, when in reality you are trying in many different ways to please your parents. I'm not saying don't continue to do these things like take challenging classes and engage yourself in helpful activities that will benefit you, but make sure you know that no matter how hard we try it is impossible to please people 100% of the time. No one is every going to be fully happy or satisfied with what you do. If we keep that mindset of always trying to please someone else we are going to make ourselves miserable.

You mentioned panic attacks, depression and some thoughts of hurting yourself as well and I'm really sorry that you can't talk to your parents about that because they think is shameful. Having a mental illness or struggling with certain things is not at all shameful. It shows that you are human. People get sick, and sometimes it affects people mentally rather than physically but that does not mean that it is not something that should be treated. You matter and your problems do matter. Does anyone know at all? You said you can't talk to your family at all about it, but maybe a doctor or a professional or someone at your school whom you can speak freely about it too? If you are interested maybe seeking the help of a counselor and having them talk to your parents to help them see that these are real issues that need to be addressed might help?

I know seven months seems like a long time - but you've made it so far. You first thought about college in 6th grade. Look at how far you've come. Seven months is nothing compared to that. And time will move by fast. Focus on school, focus on what you are in control of and not the things you don't have control over - like your parents reactions to things.

[7aerith7]

I know that there's nothing I can do but hold out until I don't have to live with them anymore, but I feel so betrayed by my mom. I know that my dad is hopeless; he's irredeemable and he'll never change, but I feel a closer connection to my mom, and I want to get her to understand what she's doing to me. But I know that the likeliest outcome is that she'll just keep victimizing herself and pretending that my mental illnesses don't actually exist. Will I make myself more miserable by continuing to try to reach out to her?

[Chuuya]

I don't think the only thing you can do is hold on. You have some options: You can choose to talk to your mom about what's going on. I feel that since you feel closer with her and are at least thinking about talking to her about it - you should try it. It can be scary. You don't know what will happen. But I think it is always worth a try. People can surprise you. You might talk to your counselor at school and see if they can talk to your mom with you if that makes you feel better so your mom can see that this is something that is really affecting you and that you deserve help for it. You could also find some information on depression, panic attacks and other things you are struggling with for your mom so she can better understand what you are going through. TeenHelp has a great resource page that you might want to look at if that is something you might be thinking of doing.

We also have some information in articles written by members of our Articles team as well that can be really educational and might help your mom understand better as well.

I also want to give you a link to Mayo Clinic and their information on Teen Depression This is also included on our resource page through Mayo Clinic listed under general health. Mayo Clinic is a great place to find information on depression.

Of course none of these resources are a diagnosis, but if it is something you are worried about, I do think you should reach out to your mom. Even though you are scared about how she might react. You never know until you try. I do think it is worth it.

[7aerith7]

update: this morning, I tried to talk to my mom about my feelings when she and Dad do/say certain things to me. she victimized herself: saying I choose to feel insulted, anxious, & suicidal and therefore implying that she's done nothing to me that would put her or dad at fault in the slightest. and she raised her voice to shouting level when she interrupted me. Obviously, it made me tremble and terrified and i ran into my room and couldn't help but cry. no comfort, no compassion. she didn't even let me finish.

You know, sometimes when they've shouted at me or insulted me, I have this fantasy that one of my parents will come in my room and try to comfort me. It's never happened. I wish they would though but it's not gonna happen. So that's why I was surprised when earlier my dad came in, stood in the doorway and told me he loves me. I said, I'm so confused. I'm getting mixed messages. You say you love me AND you hate me. which one is it?" He just said, "well, we love you" and walked away.

They're just unfeeling monsters. I know with absolute certainty now that there's nothing I can do to make them develop sympathy or compassion. Me being emotionally healthy and being near them is completely impossible. I just have to wait till I can live on college campus and save up money from paychecks so I can share an apartment with roommates during the summers. It's so fucking sad that I have to avoid my family members for all my life in order to feel safe, but i have no choice.

[Chuuya]

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your mom with talking to her. In regards to what she said about you choosing to feel this way, that was wrong of her. It is not up to her to decide how you feel about what happened. She made you feel that way, and it wasn't okay. I'm sorry that she can't see that.

Seven months may seem like a lifetime away - but work towards that. Focus on you for now and what you can do for yourself instead of always trying to please your parents. You're the one who matters and soon you'll be out from under them and will be at college making a whole new life for yourself.

[7aerith7]

Thank you. I'm going to focus on my education and saving up money. I'll ignore them to the best of my ability for as long as I have to.

[Chuuya]

It's no problem at all. I'm sorry that I couldn't have been of more help, but you can focus on you and make a great life for yourself! Some of the things your parents do might make you angry and upset, but remember that what matters is you, not their opinions. Once you're out on your own you can decide what matters. Keep that in mind when you feel frustrated and are losing hope about the seven months until you're at school. You will get there!