Parents and Politics?

[asian persuasion]

Hi folks! Just want to see what kind of advice the TH community can offer me on this issue.

Growing up my mom and I had a very good relationship. My parents are divorced and she had primary custody over me until I turned 18. After high school, I moved to the Midwestern part of the USA (Illinois) and my mom moved to the South (Virginia). My biological father also lives in the Chicago area so I've been keeping in pretty close contact with him and our relationship now is probably the best it has been in my 23 years of life. Chicago is a pretty left-leaning/liberal city and my dad very much agrees with this type of politics as do I. My mom lives in what's considered the cutoff between the North and the South, though it is still considered a part of Northern Virginia. The DMV (DC, Maryland, VA) metro area is also very left-leaning/liberal but where she lives I would consider it much more right-leaning. My mom's views also reflect this as she is very right-leaning in politics, at least compared to my own views.

A little bit more background about me for this to make sense: I am biracial, my dad is white and my mom is Asian. I work in the social services field and a lot of the work I do revolves around social inequalities and dismantling systemic oppressions. My academic and research areas in school are/were identity and self development and privilege and social awareness within marginalized groups but most of my work specifically focused on race.

If you followed the US Presidential Election, overall you might agree that it was divisive, especially with issues concerning race. I went to DC for Thanksgiving to see my mom because I haven't seen her in over a year and to be totally honest, I am regretting it. Long story short, I still love my mother, but as another woman of color I am having a very hard time respecting her views about societal inequalities. I would prefer to keep our contact to as minimum as possible, but quite frankly I am still reliant on her to help with my tuition for this last semester of school. Even with working 25 hours a week and maxing out my loan allowance, there is no way I can afford the $16k for school this semester on top of my housing/personal costs and other expenses.

Where do you cross the line between loving and respecting someone? Have you ever had to cut any family out of your life because their own values conflicted greatly with yours?

TL;DR When you have strong political differences and stances on social issues than your family, how do you deal with it? How about when you are still dependent on them for certain things?

[Kate*]

Hey Nicole, I completely understand where you're coming from only, it's my dad and I who completely disagree on politics and always have. My mom says he used to be very much in line with the views that I now hold (before I was born), but when his income increased, he switched political parties and yeah. Our issues aren't limited to politics, but they're an aspect of it. It's okay for people to disagree, but if they can't do so respectfully and at least somewhat calmly, then that's a problem.

I made the decision a long time ago that politics is something that I don't discuss with him, even if he tries to, I just don't get into it. We're not going to agree, which is fine, and neither of us is capable of remaining calm and respectful about it, so it's not worth the energy getting into. My mom and I are also opposite of most of her side of the family and they also tend to get heated, again, I stay out of it. I don't feel like opening myself up to attacks by my own family members because they want to be immature and judgmental.

You can still have a relationship with someone you disagree with, you just have to decide if the things you disagree about are worth the energy of discussing, or if you can agree to disagree, not discuss them and move on.

[Chuuya]

Hi Nicole,

I too have different views with politics than my parents. We agree on very few things, and that can be complicated because as you know sometimes politics will come up during dinner conversation. It sucks. I also depend on my parents to help with some of my expenses even though I do a lot of working. I love them, but their views on politics astound me and it is not something I enjoy talking with them about. I agree with Kate's view on if it's not something that is a good conversation that you and your mom can discuss without making each other mad or upset then it's something you shouldn't speak about with them. It's okay to sometimes avoid certain topics if it just means there's going to be a fight. Sometimes you can't always avoid it if they bring it up - but I just try to be polite and change the topic or straight out say that this isn't something that you want to discuss.

If you want to discuss them that's okay too. You shouldn't be afraid to voice your opinions and help the other person see your view on the issue but that takes respect on both parties and you have to decide if it's worth that fight if you know they're just going to ignore what you say and insist they are right without backing up their issues or at least trying to see your point. Does that make any sense?

I hope this helps!

[Lizzie]

Cutting people out of your life, particularly important people, should only be done if the person is threatening your well being in my opinion. If we cut people out of our life that we just don't agree with on political and social issues, then we would have a very limited group of people in our lives. Which is not healthy to our personal development. Learning from those who are different from us, help us understand the world we live in better. It helps us understand how to interact and work with those who see things differently from us. If you say "no, I don't agree with you, I am not going to talk to you" how does that help you in the long run? How does that help them in the long run? You will soon start to believe that people can't change, that people can't learn. And you will teach the other person, that the political side they don't believe in, has no real stance, no merit. In the end, it makes things worse. Sticking around and showing that person that your beliefs will make a difference, may change their mind. It may not, but you will never know unless you try.

It is important to surround yourself with those who have different thoughts from you. Its important to try to understand people who have different thoughts from you. Isolating yourself will ensure that you won't make progress in this area. You say you work in a social services field. A field where you will constantly be meeting people from many different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. You can't just walk away from them when you don't agree with them. You figure out a way to make it work. Just like you will with your mother. Like suggested above, this may mean that you just make a truce not to talk about politics. Or it may take an adjustment in your own mind about why your mother believes the things she does. She grew up in a different manner, in a different way of life, during a different time period. It may take her longer to understand your point of view. She may have never even thought about different political beliefs until now. Human growth continues until we die. We learn new things, we see the world differently. Don't give up on her just yet. Have some faith that your presence in her life will change her for the better, but be aware this may take longer to achieve than you would like.