Triggering (Suicide): My parents don't know how much they hurt me.

[ATwentyCharacterName]

My parents hurt me. Not physically (most of the time) but mentally and emotionally. There are certain events in my life that I could understand that would lead them to not trust me, but know that these events all happened so many years ago! I don't know if they thInk I'm secretly evil or something, but they seem like they absolutely resent me for some odd reason. Of course they don't openly express this feeling, they do do things that lead me to think this. They will yell at me for the most petty things, and I do have a past of being hit by them (slapping me, pushing/throwing me against a wall, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me, pushing me down, etc.). They will yell at me for doing something wrong and even sometimes when I do nothing wrong and they simply just feel like yelling at me. They also yell at me when I try to settle fights between my little sisters (I have two). They fight often and the older one often hits the younger one. The younger one never fights back but does stand up for herself sometimes and yells back. The older one hits the younger one all the time (kicking and punching). Know that the younger one has been in the hospital many times from either breathing problems or serious injuries. The younger one comes crying to me that the older one hit her all the time. I cheer her up and tell her to stay away from the older one if she hurts her so much, but she always ends up going back to her anyway. She looks up to the older one for unknown reasons, and forgives her constantly for all the things she does to her. I try to help them settle their differences and get the younger one to understand that none of this is any good for her. And to the older one that she is being a selfish jerk and not thinking about the younger one's feelings at all. Then my parents yell at me and send me to my room for reasons I do not understand. They don't know what I'm doing in their room or what I'm doing talking to the since they never listen or let me explain myself. I don't know what their deal is. They don't pay attention to the fact that my youngest sister is being physically abused by my other sister, but they do pay attention that I'm in someone elses room talking to them. My parents often insult me and my mother says things about me (not good things) to her friends and her side of the family. Because she says these things, a lot of the family frowns apon me. I hate it. I used to cut myself and I did this for a few months until I stopped, but even now I still get the feeling to cut myself all the time. I also have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, and I still do.

Sorry this post was so long...

Please if anyone could get back to this post with helpful advice on my situation
I would be eternally grateful, thank you.

[Nora Wex]

I think you need to seek some professional help from a counselor or a therapist. There are many hotlines you can call if you are suicidal, and there are people there that can help you AND your family. It seems to me like you need a third party to step in and talk to you, your parents, and your sisters separately before addressing the issue.

[ATwentyCharacterName]

@Nora Wex,

Thanks so much for the advice.

I honestly would love to ask for professional help from maybe a therapist or counselor, but my parents would never approve. They would ask why I need a therapist and if I tell them about how I feel, they'd just bring up all of the reasons why they treat me the way I do all of the things I've ever done wrong, and yell at me and send me to my room for a day, leaving me even more miserable than before. And if I asked a counselor at my school, they'd contact my parents about seeing me before my appointments with them, even if I've specifically asked them not to. I know the counselor all too well. And I'm rather embarrassed of my situation, because I feel like if I tell her she will criticize me just like my parents and basically everyone else in my family. As for calling a hotline, I have no phone as of right now, since my parents took away mine. And if I'm caught using my parents home phone, they'll take it away from me and ask me what I was using it for, and talk to the peson on the other end. And besides, if my parents found out I was going to a counselor, they'd get mad and take me out and tell me they don't need advice on the situation because they are "great and successful parents already".

I'm not trying to say that your advice did not help, because it certainly did. It's just that my options on the situation are extremely limited. Although the counselor may tell my parents, I am considering going to the school counselor. So thanks so much for the insight you gave on my situation with my parents.