Triggering (SH): Teacher Knows and Is Telling Parents!?

[Wingardium27]

Hi!

A friend recently went to a teacher and told her I self harm. The teacher passed this on to the pastoral care manager, who is going to call my parents on Monday. I'm really freaking out because I'm scared they'll make me stop. I know it's bad, there are better coping mechanisms etc etc, but at the moment it's the only thing that helps me after my sexual assault. I don't do it all the time - only when I need to convince myself that he is not there, his hands aren't touching me, what he said to me wasn't true etc

Have you (or a friend) ever told a teacher? What happened? Do your parents know (if so, how did they react)?

[Green Yoshi]

I never experienced something like this, but I think that what you should do is attempt to deal with it in other ways... Perhaps you could try to rant to other sources like maybe an external counselor, or some sort of person who will understand you better. I do understand how it feels like to deal with trauma, though.. and it's really horrible.

But the fact remains that this trauma or whatever caused it... is kinda already in the past. The sooner you let go of it and attempt to move on, the better. I'm sorry I that I can't answer your question, but I can promise you that I'll be here if you want someone to rant to or talk to about.

Perhaps you could talk to your pastoral care manager and let him know that there's a lot of pressure on you, and that you don't want your parents to know too much at the moment. In return, promise him that you'll be safe.

Hoping for more moments that will make you smile and be happy.

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Green Yoshi

I never experienced something like this, but I think that what you should do is attempt to deal with it in other ways... Perhaps you could try to rant to other sources like maybe an external counselor, or some sort of person who will understand you better. I do understand how it feels like to deal with trauma, though.. and it's really horrible.

But the fact remains that this trauma or whatever caused it... is kinda already in the past. The sooner you let go of it and attempt to move on, the better. I'm sorry I that I can't answer your question, but I can promise you that I'll be here if you want someone to rant to or talk to about.

Perhaps you could talk to your pastoral care manager and let him know that there's a lot of pressure on you, and that you don't want your parents to know too much at the moment. In return, promise him that you'll be safe.

Hoping for more moments that will make you smile and be happy.

Thanks for replying so quickly!

I'm on the waiting list for counselling at school and rant to the friend who told the teacher and the teacher herself (seeing as I trust her completely and she is kind of like a second mother to me). I wish you all the best in recovering from your own trauma - you can PM me whenever you need me.

I keep telling myself that it's all in the past and even revisited where it happened - which triggered a flashback and the self harm in the first place. I've been trying to move on, but I feel like a failure and punish myself when I can't. Thanks for the support - I'll do the same for you

The pastoral woman has said she has to tell my parents because I'm under 16. I did promise her I wouldn't do it again but she 'didn't want to put that kind of pressure on me'. More like she doesn't trust me.

Thanks for everything!

[Sophrosyne]

Hey,

Having someone talk to a teacher without your permission and before you are ready to talk can be quite scary, especially if they are talking to your parents as well. Seeing as the teacher is going to talk to your parents, could you have a talk to them first just to see their reaction and explain it better than the teacher would. You are right, it is a coping method, it just happens to be a negative one. Not every alternative works for everyone, but trying to find ones that do work is a good idea. If you try one and it doesn't work, then try another one, but don't give up. Yes they will try to make you stop but only because it is harmful, and they may even try and help with alternatives and finding more. If you think your parents will have a bad reaction to it, you don't have to talk to them before the teacher does but either way they are going to find out, and as scary as it may seem they only want what's best for you. If you want to find a list of alternatives, there are some here

I'm sorry about the sexual assault that happened, that can have a very negative effect on your life and you did not deserve that to happen. I know it isn't as easy as just trying to forget about it and let it go, and I'm not going to say that. Could you talk to someone about that? Talk to a counsellor, psychologist, someone who will be able to give professional help. They may also be able to help with the self harm as they work on the sexual assault.

I hope the conversation with your parents goes well, and that you get the help you deserve with the self harm and assault.
Take care.

[Green Yoshi]

You're welcome. What I experienced happened a long time ago. It doesn't affect me anymore.. and thanks You can always talk to me too.. I'll be here for you!

[Palmolive]

Hey

I'm sorry you are going through all this at the moment. I hope we can help in some way.

My friend once went to my math teacher in tears about me because of suicidal thoughts and the self harming. I was pretty terrified so I can certainly relate to that. Like you, they contacted the pastoral support officer and held a meeting at school with two teachers, the school counselor and my mum. So she found out, everything.

Mum finding out was hard because she also had her own issues and had self harmed before. But even though at first my parents finding out was pretty hard and scary and things were a bit awkward, its definitely helped my mum to support me. Not so much my dad although he tries. But having my mums support has been wonderful at times, annoying at others but I am thankful for her and we're closer than ever.

I know this is all scary but maybe it will help to have some help put in place; that doesn't mean you have to stop self harming now, but it means you might have someone to talk to about all of this which could be really beneficial for you. Scary but helpful.

If you need anything, feel free to message me.

Hopes and wishes,
Jessie

[hocus pocus]

I did speak to a few teachers about my self-harm. The first time, someone reported me and I hadn't told anyone but the counselor inspected my body and then called my mom. I denied it because I was only lightly scarred by then and we didn't speak of it again. The following year, a teacher told the counselor and two counselors and two school nurses had me take my shirt off so they could count each cut. They asked if I had harmed myself below my waist and I lied and said no because I didn't want to take my pants off.

My parents were both angry with me. They both had bad reactions, though I don't think many parents react well. A few years later, they learned about my past and started to understand why I struggled so much. Both parents came around in their own ways. I am close to my mom and I confide in her to a certain point, which isn't much at all but she's comfortable with mentioning self-harm here and there. I generally don't reply to anything she says that is self-harm related. My dad is okay but I am not close with him and he just kind of pretends like it never happened.

You said your parents are going to find out on Monday, so my advice to you is to write some things down to figure out what you want to say to them when you come home from school on Monday. You could also give a head's up to them, and tell them about your self-harm and tell them that they are going to get a call about it so they hear it from you first and not someone else. I know all parents are different, but it upset my parents that they heard about it from someone else and not me. You could always leave a note for them before you leave for school on Monday morning.

Your parents may not have the best reaction, so it will help to give them some time to think it over because this is going to be big news for them and they need to absorb it.

Keep us updated if you'd like.

[WhisperingSilence]

Thier not exactly my tutor or teacher but they are an adult who works with me but they are somewhat like a tutor in some ways - they found about my self harming while I was on a project with them about a year or so ago - I was talking to them and put my arm the door frame and the cuts got exposed.. They told me because of my age (I was 24 at the time) they could like phone home due to me being a vulnerable adult - but I managed to like beg and plead with them to not do so and we made a promise there and then that if I do it again they will find out - the promise wasn't helpful because it was just like more pressure. It depends on your age and such like because if you are under certain age the school do like have that responsibility to tell your parents things if they need to. I'm deemed a vulnerable adult so the center I go to where this tutor like person is can still phone home about me if they feel the need to or are like really worried about me. though they will always like tell me that they will do this first. is this something you could like maybe talk to your teacher about ? I told the person who found out about mine I mostly do it because of things at home and that phoning home would like actually make it worse but I still promised them I wouldnt do it again .

[Wingardium27]

@Little Miss

Hey

My friend talking to the teacher wasn't necessarily a problem (seeing as I trust her like a second mother), but the telling my parents is. I'm scared of how they'll react and I'm too much of a weak p***y to tell them myself. I'm also scared in case they ask exactly why - I know why, but they won't understand. Thanks for the list - I'll try some of them.

Thanks for your support and understanding. I try to forget, but when so many little things (e.g. mint mouthwash, slamming doors, raised voices, anyone touching me etc) keep reminding me it's difficult and sometimes it gets too much. I'm on a waiting list for counselling at my school (seeing as both my parents think it's pointless and don't want more appointments to take me to) for both the assault and SH.

Thanks again - I'll keep you posted.

Take care

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Green Yoshi

You're welcome. What I experienced happened a long time ago. It doesn't affect me anymore.. and thanks You can always talk to me too.. I'll be here for you!

I'm happy for you and glad that you're over it - now I just hope that I can do the same. Thanks!

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Ailurophile

Hey

I'm sorry you are going through all this at the moment. I hope we can help in some way.

My friend once went to my math teacher in tears about me because of suicidal thoughts and the self harming. I was pretty terrified so I can certainly relate to that. Like you, they contacted the pastoral support officer and held a meeting at school with two teachers, the school counselor and my mum. So she found out, everything.

Mum finding out was hard because she also had her own issues and had self harmed before. But even though at first my parents finding out was pretty hard and scary and things were a bit awkward, its definitely helped my mum to support me. Not so much my dad although he tries. But having my mums support has been wonderful at times, annoying at others but I am thankful for her and we're closer than ever.

I know this is all scary but maybe it will help to have some help put in place; that doesn't mean you have to stop self harming now, but it means you might have someone to talk to about all of this which could be really beneficial for you. Scary but helpful.

If you need anything, feel free to message me.

Hopes and wishes,
Jessie

Hey

Thanks for all the support - everyone here has been wonderful so far in helping me out.

Wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine! My friend was also apparently in tears when she told the teacher because she knew about the self harm (saw me cut myself a couple of times) and thought I might be suicidal (even though I'm not). My mum is in school on Monday (she works there as an exam invigilator) so it might be a face-to-face meeting instead of a phone call. It just keeps getting better and better (sarcasm).

My mum had depression after I was born, although she has never self harmed or been assaulted. My dad thinks it's all in my head and I need to pull myself together and get over it. He also thinks I should've miraculously 'gotten over it' by now because it's been over two months since the assault happened. So my mum is definitely more supportive than my dad, even if none of us are particularly close.

I'm hoping you're right - maybe it just has to get worse before it can get better.

Thanks - feel free to message me if you need anything as well :

Siobhan

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Cassado

I did speak to a few teachers about my self-harm. The first time, someone reported me and I hadn't told anyone but the counselor inspected my body and then called my mom. I denied it because I was only lightly scarred by then and we didn't speak of it again. The following year, a teacher told the counselor and two counselors and two school nurses had me take my shirt off so they could count each cut. They asked if I had harmed myself below my waist and I lied and said no because I didn't want to take my pants off.

My parents were both angry with me. They both had bad reactions, though I don't think many parents react well. A few years later, they learned about my past and started to understand why I struggled so much. Both parents came around in their own ways. I am close to my mom and I confide in her to a certain point, which isn't much at all but she's comfortable with mentioning self-harm here and there. I generally don't reply to anything she says that is self-harm related. My dad is okay but I am not close with him and he just kind of pretends like it never happened.

You said your parents are going to find out on Monday, so my advice to you is to write some things down to figure out what you want to say to them when you come home from school on Monday. You could also give a head's up to them, and tell them about your self-harm and tell them that they are going to get a call about it so they hear it from you first and not someone else. I know all parents are different, but it upset my parents that they heard about it from someone else and not me. You could always leave a note for them before you leave for school on Monday morning.

Your parents may not have the best reaction, so it will help to give them some time to think it over because this is going to be big news for them and they need to absorb it.

Keep us updated if you'd like.

Hi!

Thanks for the advice - at least it lets me know what I'm in for when my parents find out, if nothing else. Sh*t, even thinking about this on Sunday evening is making me anxious. I have small cuts on my hand (which are easily explained away as 'dog scratches') and a deeper 2 inch cut in my thigh (but no way am I taking any clothing off for strangers just so I can get in deeper sh*t).

I can't imagine either of my parents' reactions will be good. My mum will most likely be sad and angry, but my dad will probably just be really angry with me and accuse me of attention seeking or being pathetic and saying I need to pull myself together because it happened two months ago, or some other bullsh*t. I trust and love my parents very much, but I'm not close with either of them, which is what really worries me. I'm too scared to tell them and leaving a note isn't really an option because my dad drives me to school every morning.

Thanks for the heads-up, I just hope they won't react too negatively or make me go to therapy or anything.

I'm more than happy to keep you all updated - I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

P.S. Is the #youcantkillus on your profile a reference to the band Icon For Hire?? Sorry for the random question, just thought I'd ask

[Green Yoshi]

No matter how it goes, you can always rant to us. Update us asap! You can definitely do the same!

[hocus pocus]

Originally Posted by Wingardium27

Hi!

Thanks for the advice - at least it lets me know what I'm in for when my parents find out, if nothing else. Sh*t, even thinking about this on Sunday evening is making me anxious. I have small cuts on my hand (which are easily explained away as 'dog scratches') and a deeper 2 inch cut in my thigh (but no way am I taking any clothing off for strangers just so I can get in deeper sh*t).

I can't imagine either of my parents' reactions will be good. My mum will most likely be sad and angry, but my dad will probably just be really angry with me and accuse me of attention seeking or being pathetic and saying I need to pull myself together because it happened two months ago, or some other bullsh*t. I trust and love my parents very much, but I'm not close with either of them, which is what really worries me. I'm too scared to tell them and leaving a note isn't really an option because my dad drives me to school every morning.

Thanks for the heads-up, I just hope they won't react too negatively or make me go to therapy or anything.

I'm more than happy to keep you all updated - I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

P.S. Is the #youcantkillus on your profile a reference to the band Icon For Hire?? Sorry for the random question, just thought I'd ask

Try to keep in mind that no one's parents are the same. They all have different reactions, and some parents eventually do come around. I don't want my experience with my own parents to scare you away from confiding in your parents. If your parents are supportive, try to see them as part of your support system. I know it can be hard to confide in your parents but having them might help more than you think.

Also try to remember that therapy isn't a bad thing. A lot of people don't like the idea of talking to a stranger and that's understandable. A therapist starts as a stranger, but you can end up with a close therapeutic relationship if you find a therapist you click with. Therapy doesn't work for everyone but it's definitely something to consider if it is available.

The #youcantkillus under my username is in reference to Icon for Hire.

[Palmolive]

Originally Posted by Wingardium27

Hey

Thanks for all the support - everyone here has been wonderful so far in helping me out.

Wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine! My friend was also apparently in tears when she told the teacher because she knew about the self harm (saw me cut myself a couple of times) and thought I might be suicidal (even though I'm not). My mum is in school on Monday (she works there as an exam invigilator) so it might be a face-to-face meeting instead of a phone call. It just keeps getting better and better (sarcasm).

My mum had depression after I was born, although she has never self harmed or been assaulted. My dad thinks it's all in my head and I need to pull myself together and get over it. He also thinks I should've miraculously 'gotten over it' by now because it's been over two months since the assault happened. So my mum is definitely more supportive than my dad, even if none of us are particularly close.

I'm hoping you're right - maybe it just has to get worse before it can get better.

Thanks - feel free to message me if you need anything as well :

Siobhan

Hello again

I'm glad you've found the site helpful! That's always good to hear.

Our situations do sound familiar! I just wanted you to know I've been thinking of you and hope it's all gone well. But please, if it hasn't or you just need to talk about it, do so. We're here

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Green Yoshi

No matter how it goes, you can always rant to us. Update us asap! You can definitely do the same!

Thank you for the continued support! I'm just in the process of updating you all

I'm loving the positivity from you all

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Cassado

Try to keep in mind that no one's parents are the same. They all have different reactions, and some parents eventually do come around. I don't want my experience with my own parents to scare you away from confiding in your parents. If your parents are supportive, try to see them as part of your support system. I know it can be hard to confide in your parents but having them might help more than you think.

Also try to remember that therapy isn't a bad thing. A lot of people don't like the idea of talking to a stranger and that's understandable. A therapist starts as a stranger, but you can end up with a close therapeutic relationship if you find a therapist you click with. Therapy doesn't work for everyone but it's definitely something to consider if it is available.

The #youcantkillus under my username is in reference to Icon for Hire.

Hi! Sorry for the late reply.

My parents actually reacted a lot better than I thought. My mum was upset but tried to be understanding and my dad was mainly indifferent, which is the closest he can really get to understanding seeing as he isn't really the empathetic type. We even made a bit of a joke out of it after the initial difficult conversation was out of the way - my mum asked if I had tried snapping an elastic band on my wrist instead, to which I replied, 'Yes, although it doesn't quite cut it' (an unintentional pun) I'll start trying to confide in my parents a bit more, even if it is difficult to start with.

I've accepted it as a good thing for me - although I am not in therapy, I am having counselling with a lovely woman who actually specialises in trauma therapy and support as well as CBT. She is effectively still a stranger to me, although I have started to trust her (a big feat for me, seeing as I find trusting anyone anymore to be very hard, if not near impossible).

Yay! I have finally found a fellow fan I'm so excited for their next album.

Thanks for everything!

[Jess~]

i'm so glad it went well for you, and it's awesome that they're being so supportive and understanding of it.

when my parents went through my phone back in november, they saw pictures of my cuts (i was obsessed with blood and liked to see if i could find the scars later when they healed... it was a problem. )
they didn't say a single word about it, and instead punished me terribly for everything else that was on my phone.

and recently my PE teacher (who is like a personal counselor for me, i go to him to talk about a LOT of things) was teaching us how to play volleyball and i didn't want to hold my forearms out all the way, so when he was walking around making sure we were all doing it right he grabbed my wrists and straightened out my arms.
his thumb was literally on my cuts (they were closed up by then, though) when he started to ask if i ever got an injury on my arm or something.
i thought he was talking about the scars, so i started telling him i was just playing with my cat and it scratched me, but he just interrupted me and said, "no, i mean did you ever break your arm to where you can't stretch it out all the way?"

so i don't know if he saw them (it was sunny out and my arms are hella white so it might've been too bright to see them, but he was wearing sunglasses) or if he just didn't want to address it but yeah.
that's the closest i've come with teachers and parents. my closest friends know, but they know that trying to get me help would make my home life that much worse so they just try to help me themselves.

[hocus pocus]

Originally Posted by Wingardium27

Hi! Sorry for the late reply.

My parents actually reacted a lot better than I thought. My mum was upset but tried to be understanding and my dad was mainly indifferent, which is the closest he can really get to understanding seeing as he isn't really the empathetic type. We even made a bit of a joke out of it after the initial difficult conversation was out of the way - my mum asked if I had tried snapping an elastic band on my wrist instead, to which I replied, 'Yes, although it doesn't quite cut it' (an unintentional pun) I'll start trying to confide in my parents a bit more, even if it is difficult to start with.

I've accepted it as a good thing for me - although I am not in therapy, I am having counselling with a lovely woman who actually specialises in trauma therapy and support as well as CBT. She is effectively still a stranger to me, although I have started to trust her (a big feat for me, seeing as I find trusting anyone anymore to be very hard, if not near impossible).

Yay! I have finally found a fellow fan I'm so excited for their next album.

Thanks for everything!

I'm glad to hear it went well, I've been thinking of you and hoping things went okay. I bet it's a relief knowing it went better than you had expected it to go. I know counseling can be difficult, but I hope you continue to trust your counselor over time.

I am excited for their new album too! You're always welcome to message me so we can talk all about them.

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Painted_Black

i'm so glad it went well for you, and it's awesome that they're being so supportive and understanding of it.

when my parents went through my phone back in november, they saw pictures of my cuts (i was obsessed with blood and liked to see if i could find the scars later when they healed... it was a problem. )
they didn't say a single word about it, and instead punished me terribly for everything else that was on my phone.

and recently my PE teacher (who is like a personal counselor for me, i go to him to talk about a LOT of things) was teaching us how to play volleyball and i didn't want to hold my forearms out all the way, so when he was walking around making sure we were all doing it right he grabbed my wrists and straightened out my arms.
his thumb was literally on my cuts (they were closed up by then, though) when he started to ask if i ever got an injury on my arm or something.
i thought he was talking about the scars, so i started telling him i was just playing with my cat and it scratched me, but he just interrupted me and said, "no, i mean did you ever break your arm to where you can't stretch it out all the way?"

so i don't know if he saw them (it was sunny out and my arms are hella white so it might've been too bright to see them, but he was wearing sunglasses) or if he just didn't want to address it but yeah.
that's the closest i've come with teachers and parents. my closest friends know, but they know that trying to get me help would make my home life that much worse so they just try to help me themselves.

Hey! Thanks

I'm so sorry about your situation. Your parents really ought not to punish you for your coping method or what's on your phone - if that's their way of showing their disapproval, they're probably only going to make it worse. Have you tried bringing it up since (either in person or by email/letter, if that's less awkward)? It might be a good idea if you do if you still self harm - they just might not know how to approach you about it or what's on your phone.

Your situation sort of sounds similar to mine, except the teacher knew for certain. She's kind of like a personal counsellor for me as well, or a combination of a mother-older sister-best friend (essentially someone I trust entirely). That must have been awkward, though! If you really do trust him, maybe you could tell him? He might be able to help you out and offer you the support you need. I also understand the 'hella white arms' thing

At least you've got some support from your friends - that's always something! I just hope your home situation improves so you can get any additional outside help you might want/need. Feel free to message me if you need anything or just want to rant

[Wingardium27]

Originally Posted by Cassado

I'm glad to hear it went well, I've been thinking of you and hoping things went okay. I bet it's a relief knowing it went better than you had expected it to go. I know counseling can be difficult, but I hope you continue to trust your counselor over time.

I am excited for their new album too! You're always welcome to message me so we can talk all about them.

Thank you

It's definitely a big relief - it feels like I'm no longer directly lying to my parents and they were a lot more supportive than I thought. My first counselling session went quite well and I'm having twelve 50-minute sessions spread over 12 weeks. My counsellor seems nice enough so far (I've had an hour and a half chat with her) and my parents, the friend who told the teacher and the teacher herself have all been so understanding.

Look forward to receiving lots of IFH spam

[Green Yoshi]

You're welcome!

I'm glad that everything is working out ! keep in mind that we're here for you too... you always got us on your side!