Introducing a *much* older partner to my parents

A few months ago I began dating a man I have known for several years, but we just never encountered the opportunity to go out until then. This man is much older than I am; he is actually in his early fifties. Now for me, this isn't a problem. I've always been less about age and more about the person: as long as there is physical attraction to one another and compatibility in other key areas of life, I have no problem with dating someone, and he satisfies these criteria. Things are going really well with this person, and there has been discussion of, if things continue going really well, us progressing to a more serious "boyfriend/girlfriend" type relationship. However, one of the things he asked me is if, should things get serious down the road, I would be comfortable introducing him to my parents.

I have so far been adamant that he not meet my parents. For one, it's a casual relationship. I am polyamorous, and decided a while back that my parents do not need to meet my more casual partners, when and if I have any. But most importantly would be his age. He is just a few years younger than my parents. Even though he is a wonderful, intelligent, caring and funny man, I don't think they would see past his age. I've had experience with them rejecting partners in the past. Even though at those times they had good reason to (I used to date some rather unsavory characters), the stress of those times has really stuck with me over the years since then, and I'd rather avoid dealing with it. I live with my parents, which is why this is such a big issue.

I don't really want to introduce him to them, but it's obviously important to him. I just don't know how I would make them see past the fact that he's so much older than me. I'm worried they will make assumptions about my judgment, but worse, assumptions about how honorable his intentions might be. When my mom realized the new person I am seeing smokes cigarettes, she told me that "You could do better." And that judgment was just because he smokes, without knowing anything else about him. It was actually rather hurtful and insulting, and it really makes me worry about him meeting them.

So how would I go even about introducing him? No matter what I would say or do I just have trouble seeing it being a non-stressful event for me.

[PSY]

I can understand why you're so concerned about this situation. As you already stated, your parents haven't been accepting of previous romantic partners. Also, your parents aren't the only people who would question why a man in his 50s would date a woman in her 20s. Even though you're both consenting adults, some eyebrows are bound to be raised.

First, with regard to your parents, you need to decide how much power you're going to give them over your love life. Yes, you live with them, so it's worth smoothing things over as best you can; however, you won't live with your parents forever. Think about what will make you happy in the long term. My father has never been accepting of any of my boyfriends. I could have chosen to let that get under my skin, but I didn't. I accepted that no man will ever be good enough for my father... and that's okay, because what REALLY matters is that I find a man that's good enough for ME! Yes, it hurts when my father criticizes my fiancé... but it's easier knowing that he would make similar comments about ANYONE I decided to date/marry.

Second, think about where this relationship is going, and if you're okay with the raised eyebrows in the event that this relationship becomes "serious." Can you deal with that? If so, why? What helps you move past the criticism and enjoy your relationship? Why should your parents be a deal-breaker when no one else is? If you CAN'T deal with the criticism, then I don't see why it's even worth introducing this man to your parents. Skip that step if it's going to be an unnecessarily painful step.

Thanks, Robin. Because of the mental health issues I've had throughout my life, my parents have always been VERY involved in my emotional well-being. This has included people I've dated. It's not that they try to control who I date (they only did that once, and with good reason I later realized), but it's that they are so obvious with their disapproval. Comments such as "you could do better" hurt so much because I love them and want them to like the people I'm dating. But more importantly, I want them to see that I'm not the girl with poor judgment and impulse control anymore; I'm a grown young woman capable of making good choices for herself.

I spent so long being the troubled teen they had to give most of their attention to, whose mistakes they had to clean up, who they had to take care of because I refused to take care of myself. I am not that person anymore. I've worked VERY hard to get to a healthy place, and the choices I make for myself, including in the dating world, are good ones. Now, I know my parents are proud of my progress and view me as an adult, but dating is the last area there seems to be trouble with. As soon as they see something off, they seem to judge more unfavorably, like if the person smokes cigarettes. Or worked a job my parents saw as unsuitable. Or if they're much older. And I'm so stuck in that "I'm the child" mindset that I have this bizarre fear that if they meet this man, they will tell me I can either stop dating him or stop living with them. Like I was a wayward teenager.

As for the eyebrows, I really don't mind. I am aware of what people would assume about a much older man with a much younger girl: that it's about sex or money, or that at least one of them is being taken advantage of. But the point is that I know the truth, which is that I was not preyed upon and I'm not being taken advantage of and he isn't creepy. I actually asked him out. I'm so used to people raising eyebrows at me because of my extensive SH scars that I really don't care what people think of me or my personal life. My friends all know him and think he's great. My boyfriend was enthusiastic when I wanted to ask him out. The reason my parents are so much trouble is because for so long they have disapproved of me and because I feel they hold power over my physical security.