My Parents

[JollyRancher.]

I have always had trouble with my parents. When I was younger, I used to rebel a lot. At thw time, my father was abusive and well I would get injured and then be mad. If my parents made me angry, I would break anything and everything. I was a horrible child.
But now that I have seen my ways and changed, well they treat me as if im a little kid. 'Oh Daisy, you can't go to the mall without us' or 'you have to put ypur phone in our room since uou cant control yourself' they just belittle me in everything I do. And it angers me. I mean sure I understand that the world is dangerous, but im not out doing what most teens are. But even for something small as having my cell phone in my room at night is a huge arguement with them. They set up so many rules for me that I dont even get out much. Its sort of like imstuck in a prison cell and it angers me. Some of the rules they put on me are just ridiculous too. I mean come on, 'no leaving the house without an adult' well then how am I supposed to go to school? And wit the rule on my cell phone being in their room, well im not a kid anymore. I know that I have to get a good amount of sleep. I can control myself and I do. Im not like those teens that have there cell phones on 24/7! I barely use mine. I dont talk to people much outside of school (heck Dezy can even tell you this. I barely even message her anymore). But no!!!! Im out of control by their standards.
And its not just the house rules that bug me. Its also the fact that they put rules on me for school as well. My parents since third grade have had a grading policy for me. I had to get straight , nothing less than a hundred or I would be grounded. Im not perfect and even if Itry to give my all in grades, ilI usually get just a 95. Ive spent so many years grounded just because I got five points less than what they wanted! So many years of anger that everything I do is just not good enough for them.

I think the worst thing about my parents, in my opinion, is thar the constantly call me fat. They insult my body shape. My mother looks at me every hour and says ' you look fatter than before' EVER HOUR!!!!! Oh yeah because im definitely stuffing myself like balloon ever hour. My mother (she is the one that bugs me on this the most) wants me to be a twig. She has told me this before. She has compared me to a tree!! A TREE!!! ' oh your just a large as that tree' sure im not mega skinny but I mean come on!!!!! They used to limit my food too. Now I kind of have to eat because of my medicine, but....... it still gets me so mad!

My anger towards them has become so bad that I just see red. When I was younger I would have acted on it like the one time I beat my father with a chair. But now that im older, I just swallow all my anger and try to be nice and polite. I have talked to them about all the pain they caused me. I have tried to get them to loosen their hold on me even a little bit more. But no. They dont listen to me. They call me a dumb child that needs to be put back in her place. I have also tried therapy (my parents wanted to get me to just agree with everything they do) but that will never help me. I just dont know what to do anymore!

[Chris]

Hi there.

I'm really sorry to hear about the long situation you have been in with your parents. You know, while I definitely blame them, I blame society for a lot of things too. Most likely, your parents were raised to accept nothing but the best. Actually, most likely, your grandparents pushed, threatened, verbally abused, placed harsh rules and regulations, etc on your parents when they were growing up. And now you have to deal with similar circumstances. Society in general pushes for "smart", "skinny", and "safe", kids now adays, and it seems your parents are following that trend. They clearly want the best for you, but they are going about it the wrong way. In fact, I would ever go as far as saying they are severely verbally abusing you at times (particularly your mother).

The situation you're in is a gray one. As far as I see it, you have the following options:
1) Seek help. Go to family therapy, tell them everything (including how you feel, etc). See if that improves anything.
2) Seek help X2. This would be getting the local police involved (i.e., not healthy living environment), and/or Family Services.
3) Wait it out and then move out. 18 is the legal age, so once you had enough or you finish high school, I think it would be safe to say that it's a good idea to get out of the house. If that means going to college far away, enlisting in the Military, or even finding a job and apartment a few towns over, I think it's a much better idea then allowing yourself to stay in a hurtful, unsafe, and non-healthy household.

What would I do? I would get a counselor involved. Really lay everything on the line. Tell him/her how you feel, and that you need to help/advice/guidance to get out of this situation. Also, consider family counseling so your parents can hear your side of things in a safe environment. If after doing one or both of these things nothing improve, I would seriously weigh the pros and cons of option #2 and #3 and then take action accordingly.

I hope that things at home eventually improve. You deserve peace, love, and a stable (and safe) household.


Best wishes,
Chris

[Usernames Suck]

The first part, about the house rules, sounds bad but ultimately it's their house and their rules. Unless it's preventing you from going to school (I was confused by that part) then there isn't much you can do other than try to get them to see your point of view as well. A lot of parents are scared that their children are going to be in trouble, especially because of changing technology that they feel gives kids a new way of getting in trouble that they can't keep tabs on. If you're not going to be using your phone at night anyway, other than the principle of it then fighting to keep it in your room will just stress you out unnecessarily. Sometimes parents have rules that don't make much sense and other that do but we can't understand until later.

As to your parents calling you fat and getting angry at you if you go home with less than a 100% perfect score, that's incredibly unhealthy. Pressuring you to get a 100 score instead of 95 isn't going to do anything. I've never met anyone who got a 100 in every single test and exam they've taken no matter how hard they studied.

To me it sounds like your parents are afraid that you'll get in trouble and that this will be worse for you later in life as well as reflect badly on them as parents. Their fear that you'll get fat or get a 95 in a test sounds a lot like they're very insecure, too.

Have you tried calmly discussing this with them? Sit them down, don't get angry, try to explain your point of view and find some kind of compromise. Pick your battles too. There's no point fighting about a phone you wouldn't be using at those hours when something like calling you fat is much worse.

I don't understand why you say that therapy isn't going to help. I think it could help a lot. You can explain to your therapist what you're going through and how you feel. If it's a good therapist then the therapist will see that some of these things are actually being harmful to you. Then your therapist might offer to talk to your parents for you if you agree. This could be very helpful as your parents may have an easier time listening to another adult, and one whose authority they acknowledge. They may dismiss your complaints as a teenager's complaints but they might be more willing to listen to a professional.

I also recommend talking to someone at school if you can, like a teacher or counsellor, especially if your parents rule is preventing you from attending your classes. If you can find someone who is understanding enough and on your side, then that person might be able to explain to your parents why their standards of getting a 100 instead of a 95 are unrealistic and how this can even be worse for you in the long run.

It sounds like your parents are so caught up in trying to do everything right that they've forgotten that human beings aren't perfect and that some things are unreasonable and even hurtful. If they were concerned about your health they wouldn't be calling you fat, they would be providing you with healthy meals and teaching you about healthy habits instead, maybe even seeing a nutritionist to assess what your dietary needs are. If they were concerned about your scholarly success, they'd also be more focused on motivating you to do your best and only get angry if you had obviously slacked off and failed due to laziness.

This sounds like a tough situation to be in and I hope things change for the better!

[Satine]

Hi Daisy,

I'm hearing a lot of anger, and at times, a bit of self-blame in your post. And it really sounds like you've had to almost build a shell around yourself in order to protect yourself from their rules. There seem to be so many rules... Your mother's criticism of your weight is particularly strict. Most of us know the necessity of keeping reasonably slim for health reasons, but when a mother demands that her daughter be stick-thin, that tends to raise alarm bells. Or it does for me, anyway.

This is just a question, but have your parents ever tried going for therapy themselves, or considered whole-family therapy? I have a feeling I know how they'd respond to that if you (or indeed, anyone, put it to them), but I just wanted to ask.

Well done on your 95% scores, by the way! I hear that your parents expected 100% but I think 95% is great. I don't know how all of this is going to end for you but the vast majority of the world at large would be blown away by someone able to do so well.

Above all, keep talking here and keep watching your own situation with a keen eye. I suspect your parents will have a hard time letting you go out into the world as an adult - they're already holding back on doing that while you're in the transition phase that is adolescence. But I think you need - and will relish - freedom. It's just a case of knowing how they will respond to that and what to do, yourself.

Remember that you are a capable and clever young woman. If you can cope with a Mumzilla you can deal with anything!