TeenHelp - Parents don't get it

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Parents don't get it

I came out to my mom as FtM transgender around a year ago, and she didn't seem to get it. When I first told her about it, she kept asking me "Are you sure you don't just like girls?"
No, mom, I don't.
I know both of my parents have noticed something about me since I've been a kid. Unfortunately, both of them seem to think it's a sexuality thing. Whenever my parents talk to me about future relationships, they're always slipping in a "or a girl, that's fine too!". The ironic thing is, I'm not attracted to women.

I've actually been keeping quiet about this since a couple of months after I told my mom about my gender identity. The short story is, she used it to insult me at the hospital because I don't like needles. And obviously in her world, only women are scared of things. All I did was walk out of the room because I couldn't sit down for a blood test. That's when I figured out she didn't accept my gender identity. As for my dad, he stopped accepting it when I refused to go into the lingerie isle because I looked male at the time and I was getting really disgusted looks. He thought I was being stupid.

But now, after having to live as a female for a year longer, I've realised it's really not going well. I'm attracted to a (straight) guy, and he thinks I'm a girl, so I'm basically tricking him, and I'm also worried that if I keep just living as a girl for much longer, I won't be able to explain when I finally do feel safe to do anything about it. Also, I had to wear a dress for prom and that experience will be stuck with me forever.

What am I meant to do? Do I just start over with explaining, or carry on as I am until I leave home?

Re: Parents don't get it

What you do in this situation is entirely up to you. If you really don't feel like you can continue living as a girl then it might be worth it to keep explaining it, sometimes people in our parents' generation struggle with the concept of transgender because it wasn't acceptable when they were growing up. It might also help to tell them, if you choose to try this, that gender identity and sexual attraction/orientation are completely separate so you can identify as male and be attracted to males. That would mean that if or when you transition, you would go from identifying as a 'straight female' to identifying as a 'gay male'.

Re: Parents don't get it

I agree with Kate that it is up to you where you decide to go from here. Do you feel as if you would be able to wait that long before coming out and living your life as a boy? If you think that waiting would cause you too much pressure it's worth trying to come out again. Maybe this time you can print out pamphlets or borrow books from the library explaining gender identity to them so they have something to read and learn. I also agree with her about explaining sexuality and gender identity to them a bit more so they learn to treat them as separate. When I was telling my parents about my friend being MtF, this was the thing they had the hardest time grasping, but you can try and give them some examples if you think you can. That way you may also be able to be honest with this guy before things get too serious as well.

Maybe you can make a pros and cons list with the benefits of trying to come out again and the risks of trying to come out again. Write anything you think of down, even little things. Then, you can see what outweighs the other and make a decision on whether you should come out now or later.

-Dez

Re: Parents don't get it

Thanks. I've already explained that gender identity and sexuality is separate, and shown my mom some websites about it, last time. I just feel like if I don't do something now, it'll be really difficult to explain to everyone. Maybe I've already crossed that point, but I might still have a chance.