Let me start by saying I'm seeing a 3rd psychiatrist on Jan 16 and have no appointments with the therapist until then.
By addiction I mean one to pain of others, violence and blood. It started off with watching animals getting slaughtered and tortured a bit then I didn't like that so I went off to see that for humans. That I loved so much and still do. Whenever I watch it, there's this rush of excitement, some humour, and just feeling how much I want to do that so I can feel all the blood all over my hands again and hear/see the person without looking through a computer screen. Typically, I'd play these scenarios in my head when I'm away from the keyboard, such as at university campus. The voices sometimes instruct me how to attack, who to attack, etc..., or if I look at someone, I'll get them in the video but if I look at someone else, they're in another video. All of that has been fairly common for a while, nothing sudden.
I fantasized a bit about women being raped and tortured a bit, and have found myself almost day-dreaming about this even more. Some of the voices comment on the girls but none instruct, like they'll sometimes say things such as "look at her, so thin, so delicate" or "that neck is so wonderful to grab hold of" and other comments. However, the addiction is more towards the pain/torture/blood, and rape, although I do fantasize about also, isn't as much as the rest.
Recently however, even if I've watched it several hours ago, if I'm on the bus coming home, I'll look at the bars people can hold onto to make sure they don't fall and see some people hanging from there, bleeding away, sometimes dismembered and moaning. The voices then tend to say "you know you want to you sick little shit, go, do it, do it, do it, do it" and keep on pestering me. I want to just yell back at them but I know if that happens, not only will I look like a psycho but also may get thrown off the bus.
But recently, I've watched some animals getting killed or badly hurt and there's not much of a reaction. Such as one video showed 2 mexican cops hogtying a dog and running over its rib area 2 times with a car yet the dog lived. Normally, I'd be furious and wanting to just tear the mexican cops apart but now I look and think "why'd they do that? that was dumb", and the only slight anger I get is "those filthy cops should be removed from this world". Other times, if no humans are in the video, such as a beheaded dog quivering, I get nothing from it. Back to the same old numbness.
I try to restrict myself to watch the videos for a certain amount of time yet each time I want to click the "x" in the corner, something holds me back and just draws me back in. Once I quit watching, I feel a bit annoyed and then numb as usual, and want the stuff again.
I do own a dog and no, I do not harm him, however, as my parents and even some friends have said, I'm pushing them away by being a lot more violent to them and sharing more of my demented mind to them. My father would call these videos stupid and a waste of time to watch, then I tried to force him physically and verbally to watch. I don't know why exactly I tried that.
One other thing, whether this is with the addiction or not, the sense of power I just love. When forcing him to watch, the rush of power was so amazing and each time someone tried to back away, I got angry because I no longer had that high as it was interrupted.
I've also been reading more and more on serial killers and happily, my abnormal psychology professor also really likes them too so we have some nice conversations after class or during a break about them (3 hour lecture, so 2 7-10 minute breaks) but I usually talk after class as there's more time. I briefly said a tiny bit about the videos (i.e. dog being run over yet still living) and he just chuckled and said "some people, no idea why they'd do that" but until I said that it takes away the constant numbness and gives a rush, he looked at me weird then went back to talking.
In the title, I said "everything else", meaning hallucinations (visual + auditory) becoming more often, more intense, lasting longer and usually but not always, more violent. There's still the usual crawlers under the bed or down the walls, still see random people in my door way and they talk with me, still see the men in black cloaks who come after me. None of it bothers me too much. The men in black come when the paranoia kicks in, although that's been happening less and less, but the hallucinations and addiction has been increasing.
One of my questions is, on Jan 16, should I tell the psychiatrist all of this? Whenever I mention the hallucinations, it's always about taking anti-psychotics. I understand that but they make me too tired to function. However, the part of the addiction (which I suppose you could call sadism) they tend to be a bit stunned then they try to enter my demented and dark world. I have no issue in letting them in, except for if I tell them all of what I've said here, plus more details and some stuff like lack of remorse, empathy, etc... (that part has been diagnosed), I'm not up to being carted off. At times my therapist suggested to me it's better I go to and institution, however, that's not happening.
Another question, is, what my therapist and last psychiatrist asked, do I want to kill or act on these voices/images/sadism stuff? I always answer with "you know I cant honestly answer you" becuase in truth, I really really do but if I say that, I'm going to be carted off. I was thinking about getting the psychiatrist to promise me that no matter what I say, I won't be carted off although I know their policy of if you're a threat to yourself, others or both, off you go, and I doubt they'd not report what I say.
My therapist threatened to report it many times but said because I've never admitted to her that I do want to kill/torture, she cant do anything. She's gone as far to say she doesn't believe me when I say I don't, although in the sessions, I haven't once threatened anyone/myself a lot. She got me to once by talking about the sadism and that really gets me excited, and with more noise of the voices, I tend to have crap like that slip out.
So, should I tell the upcoming psychiatrist everything, and should I be 100% honest in what I say in regards to what I want to do to people (and of course why)?
My current diagnosis is:
- Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (Narcissistic, anti-social, schizotypal)
- Schizophrenia
- Adjustment disorder (don't believe this is true but oh well)
- Sadism (don't know if it's an actual disorder but they'll called me sadistic and said I do like sadism many times)
For those who know my previous posts before the
TH went all loopy, I'm not mentioning several things to make this post shorter.
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