Triggering (SH): Cross Addiction

[BlueWolf]

I've been talking to my therapist about trying to stop cutting altogether, but even she seems to be at a loss with me. She says I have to make myself want to stop and we were talking about why it was bad. Yet, for me I find much more good in it than bad. It is a relief for me, and one that I am not yet willing to let go off. I am however, doing it less often and mostly only when I feel at my worst. It kinda wakes me up I suppose, a relief from when I'm wanting to kill myself. Anyways, when I try to stop, I'll use all sorts of ways to stop it. Maybe I'll read or something. The last time I went a month without cutting, I was also popping pills almost regularly. Not a dangerous amount, but more than enough. When I stopped, knowing that was worse, I went straight back to cutting again, and twice as bad. Whenever I stop, I go back to the pills. I've done other things that are just as harmful as well whenever I try to stop. The other alternatives just don't seem to be enough and I find myself looking to something just as harmful. My therapist said that it's a cross addiction. I've found myself knawing at my arms where I cut until I bleed, I'll scratch my skin raw and then pull at the wound to make it larger, I've also left a few bruises on myself in places that I knew I could cover. I think I'm getting over my head with this, and I need to control myself. Even my eating habits have gotten significantly worse. I would love some advice to keep myself from cutting without doing something else harmful in place of it. I need to find a reason from it. Maybe you have something that could help me that I have overlooked? What is your motivation for stopping?

[*Jen*]

Hey Jessica,

It is good you have been talking to your therapist about your self harm. It is true that you do have to want to stop to be able to. Doing it less is definitely a step in the right direction and hopefully in time you will do it less and less. You say you are not willing to let go off it yet and that is ok. Maybe as time goes on you will get to a point where you do want to let it go and aim on stopping. But right now maybe isn't the right time for you to do that.

I think you just need to keep talking to your therapist about it and then in time you may get to a point where you feel able to stop. Stay strong.

[duckiedancer]

I also agree that it is good to talk to your therapist. In addition, that you want to be able to stop sh. My suggestion is to think why do you sh? What has it done to you? Also make a chart like you discussed with your therapist about why sh is bad, and every time you want to sh, read why it is bad.

Hey there,

Reading this reminded me so much of myself years ago. Three years ago I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I didn't see any reason why I wanted/needed to and when I tried to stop I would end up doing more dangerous things. In the end it took me reaching rock bottom to actually stop. I ended up cutting so deep that I would need stitches (This happened for a few months before I stopped).

One day I cut so bad that I thought I cut a vein or something because of the way that it bled. It didn't just bleed in a nice even flow it spurted out like a water fountain and it scared me shitless. That is when I knew that I needed to stop. I knew I could no longer rely on it and I knew that this addiction, this thing that I thought was keeping me alive was slowly going to kill me.

I ended up getting threatened with the mental hospital as well. I had been four times and was struggling with finishing my senior year. All of those events led to me realizing that I would never be able to move on with my life if I kept self harming like I was.

It was what I needed to stop. I ended up throwing my blades away and I was able to go 6 months without cutting. It felt great to be able to move my arms and legs without feeling pain. It felt great to not have to put my clothes on in a certain way so that I wouldn't 1) get blood on them 2) so that they wouldn't hurt my arms any worse. It felt great to not have to make sure that if someone bumped into me I didn't wince etc.

However, I will be honest, I still struggle with self harm and eating but the fact that I am able to see what lies ahead of me and to see that I don't want to rely on the self harm to get me through really helps.

I really don't think that there is anything we can say to make you stop but we can be here to offer support. I think you should look at the Alternatives to Self Harm. I know you have probably tried them before but to no avail but the best advice I can give you is to keep on with them. You may go 10, 20, 30, 40 or longer and end up cutting but using these alternatives at first will at least help your mind realize that there are other things available.

Another thing that I suggest is making a list of reasons why you don't want to self harm. Right now that list might seem insignificant but with time it will get bigger and it will seem more significant. I had a list and it had one thing on it. One thing that wasn't all the great and in reality the 'pros' to cutting seemed so much better and the list was bigger but with time it changed and now my reasons not to self harm far out weigh my reasons too.

I don't think that the reason you are struggling to do this is lack of motivation. I just think right now you are dealing with so much that stopping the self harm is proving impossible. But with time it can get better.

Keep talking to your therapist and work on the reasons behind your self harm and from there you might start to notice that your need to depend on the self harm goes away. It may take months for that to happen but it will happen. Keep talking and opening up about the underlying issues behind the self harm, what makes you want to self harm now, what caused you to self harm in the past etc and with time it will get better.

I hope this helped. I know it might not have been exactly what you wanted but it is the best advice I could give.

If you need anything feel free to pm me.

Jenna

[BlueWolf]

Thank you both very much for your advice. I have been trying for what seems to be forever. A couple years have gone by, and even though I have gotten better, I cannot stop. Each time I go a week or two without it, I start again twice as bad as before. When I first started, it wasn't bad at all, but it's getting to the point where you were at Jenna. My mom is threatening to send me to the hospital for it and a few other reasons as well. My lack of control over this and the like basically. I do not want to go, especially right before I start college.

I don't want to have to wait on time. Time.... I have waited and I'm tired of waiting. I can't find these reasons, but my therapists says I'm going to have to.

Duckie, I have tried to list, but I cannot come up with any reasons why it is bad other than the scars it leaves. I find it so relieving. I know deep down that it is not okay to continue, and a part of me is dying to stop, but another part screams for more. I am stuck in limbo between the two, thus why I am seeking help.

But how am I to keep myself from doing something else that is harmful in place of cutting? If I am not cutting, I am doing something else. I need to escape it as a whole.