TeenHelp - Alcohol abuse

I'm not too sure where I'm going with this so bear with me if I waffle a bit. I know that I have a problem with alcohol, I have had for about a year now. I used to drink at parties form when I was 15, but I wouldn't get wasted. I'm not particuarly talkative, and I'm not as confident as I try to come across, but I discovered that alcohol gave me that confidence. And so at parties I began to drink excessive amounts, It'd annoy my friends at the time, I'd feel bad about it afterwards as I always ended up doing stupid stuff which I regret (then again doesn't everyone after they've had too much to drink lol)

At the time, that was just a case of not knowing my limits, when to stop. I used to drink at parties as a confidence thing, but I don't know when it changed really, but it's not about that anymore. With all my friends roughly 18 now, we all go out to pubs and bars etc. However, while most people seem to use going out and drinking as a chance to socialise (like I did) I don't do that anymore. I go out and socialise as an excuse to drink. Often nights out with my friends will often end with me exitting the pub or bar to find elsewhere to drink by myself...and at the time I don't care. I go out knowing that I'm drinking looking to pass out, looking to drink myself into oblivion. Before I go out I know how it's going to end, sometimes I'll have 3 or 4 shots of Vodka before I leave so I'll be more talkative.

In a way using alcohol is still a confidence thing, I can not go out now without having a shot before hand. I often have a shot before I go out anywhere with my friends; shopping, cinema, or meals. Occasionally I have more, take some with me just incase a situation arrised I don't think I can cope with. When my girlfriend dumped me I drank myself into oblivion, thank fuck my friend found me out and took me home, else I wouldn't have got back alive. I'm not sure I wanted to. I don't blame my girlfriend at all for dumping me, I'm pathetic, take the coward's way out all the time, look to drink to oblivion to get those hours where nothing matters. I could end up killing myself, but fuck it, I don't care, I;ve considered suicide, so this is a win-win situation.

But I hate how I'm hurting people around me...putting pressure on them aswell to look after me all the time. I don't ask them to, I don't care f they leave me lieing in the gutter when I pass out, but I know that none of them will. I hate the disappointment in my parent's faces when they see me the next morning after I've been out drinking. I havn't told them about the depression, my reasoning behind drinking so much. I just tell them I get carried away. I've got nothing to fucking feel depressed about, the fact I feel like this is disgraceful and shows just how weak I am. My parents have been great to me, so I can't tell them I'm feeling depressed as they might blame themselves...so I go out looking to black out.

It's got out of control. It got out of control a while ago, but my girlfriend dumping me and my reaction to that was the wake up call. I can't go on dealing with problems like this, I need to man up and get over this depression and low confidence but it seems impossible at the moment. And the fact I feel like that when there are people worse of than me just disgusts me, so I go out drinking, and in a way I don't care if I don't end up coming out the other side alive. I'm just really not sure where to start or who to go to.