Triggering: Drinking and Mental Absence.

[Alpine]

I'm reaching out.
I struggle with addiction and depression. Today I had a relapse. And then, self medicating, I had a beer. Just one. And I'm not a drinker at all. But it made me dizzy, it didn't help. I've got to start supper soon and care for my little brothers and all that stuff that comes with life but I feel separated. Drifting...
Nothing feels real, I don't really care and it scares me.
Normally I'm a rational person but now, I can't think anything through, I hate it. I texted a friend saying I was drunk and sad and it freaked her out. She won't return my texts and I feel like crap.
Advice?

Note: I'm having some levels of anxiety seeing as some difficult conversations with my mother might arise soon.

[Celyn]

It's good that you are reaching out

Even though you relapsed and self-medicated, it's good that you realised that drinking didn't help you. If you get tempted to drink again, you might try to remind yourself if how it didn't help you last time.

It sounds like you have a lot of responsibility- doing supper and taking care of your little brothers. I'm wondering if there's anyone who might be able to help you practically? For example, I was a young carer for my dad when I was a teenager, and it was helpful to have carers come in to look after my dad at times. Even though it's lovely that you are looking out for your brothers, you are still young yourself and it sounds like you are struggling at the moment and could do with some extra support.

When we are feeling low and relapsing, it's common to feel separated from others, and not really caring, and understandable how this can scare you too. Try and be gentle on yourself. You are caring and responsible, but you are also having a hard time right now too. It won't always be like this though.

Sometimes friends might not know what to say or do to help us, especially if they've never seen us at a low point before. It might help to give your friend some space and then maybe try to talk to her and let her know how you have been feeling. If there is anything in particular that you think she might be able to help with, you can ask. This might help her if she doesn't know how to support you. Otherwise, you might want to turn to other friends, family or professionals for help.

Have you had a conversation with your mother yet? I think it's understandable to be anxious about it especially if you are concerned about her reaction. But hopefully she'll try and be understanding. It can be good to open up about how you've been feeling, especially if you normally try to hide it.

[Alpine]

Thanks Celyn
I'm doing a lot better this week, even though I had a another relapse (That day wasn't so good.)

It scares me how the frequency is increasing, reminding me of the dark days from way before, but this time around I have a lot more support and... I'm older. I can cope and recover. I think.

I've been noticing a lot of beauty in my life lately, and Halloween was a blast. I snapped this awesome photo of a sunset on the way home from a firewood load.

That friend got back to me, and somehow a couple other friends got wind and offered me support.

As for my mother... I did have a conversation. I drove us down to the beach, but I didn't touch on what was bothering me. Just gave her an honest update on how I was doing. We talked some about my father as well (Whole other mess) and it was really helpful.

I notice that weeks still fluctuate between good and bad, and really bad. "dark nights of the soul" still occur, and though I'd love some advice on how to calm down and fall asleep I feel like I have a support system to help me.

To close a too long post, I'm doing... well for now, feeling better, and I've scheduled a counselling session on Friday and a backcountry camping trip over the weekend to look forward to.

[ladoglover]

I would suggest looking for an AA group near you and getting a sponsor. It helps a lot of people. I am glad you talked to your mother. Having a support system is very helpful.

Yoga, meditation, sound machine, white noise machine and mindfulness before bed can help. Have fun on your camping trip.