Triggering: Sex addiction from a young age.

[Alpine]

So... I've never posted a thread. Ever. Anywhere.

Also, the only people I talk to about my problems so far have been my mother (once) and my councilor. I don't mean problems like dating or homework or work problems, or even acute stress ect. I mean the things that drag me down. That drive me down a... rabbit hole.

So this will be awkward. And possibly long.

I'm a person who has had two sides to him most of his life.

One side is me; awkward, funny, caring. I'm the protector of the friend group, the papa bear to my three younger brothers. I'm a musician, a voracious reader (Never less than eight books at a time ;) ) , a music lover. A poet (sort of). A writer. I like skiing and hiking, and where I live (West kootaneys, BC) is the perfect mountain playground for me.

I'm also broken, shy, scared, and struggling with depression, anxiety, and various stages of self loathing. I've lost family to suicide, and was and am still scared to go down the same road.

I was exposed, inadvertently by my father, to pornography at a very young age. I was... eight? Maybe. And it pretty much set the tone for the next eight years of my life. I am now sixteen and still struggling with a porn addiction. I came to my mom in the seventh grade about this because I was worried that I was going to hurt myself if I let it go on much longer. She shut me down cold turkey and my life somewhat returned to normal.

I didn't relapse for three years. Roughly.

I moved to another area of the kootaneys and relapsed. Again and again. And I've felt the crushing weight of everything that has happened to me, the horrors I've witnessed visit me like some long forgotten phantom. Overnight I became a monster. At school I zoned out, lost my humor and drifted away from my new friends. I started writing really dark poetry, and spending a lot of time staring into the distance. Suicide wormed it's way into my everyday thinking last Halloween. I even started drinking despite the fact my father being an alcoholic, my grandfather, my uncle, many of my aunts...

Here I am, reaching out. I told my mother that I needed a councilor, but not why. These days are one at a time, and I have strategies to cope and take care of myself. But still, I have relapses.

How do I turn myself off when my thinking strays to the dark side?
How do I resist that temptation?
What are some strategies to have a healthy sex life?

[Celyn]

Hey there,

First of all, I think it's brave of you to be posting this thread, especially since it's your first time. It can definitely be nerve wracking seeking help, especially when it comes to porn/sex addiction. But recognising and reaching out are the first steps when dealing with any kind of addiction so well done you for posting here.

Most people have 'two sides' to them as many people may not share with others their thoughts and feelings. Although I do understand that when it comes to mental health, having 'two sides' to you can seem more prominent the larger the 'gap' between these sides may appear. You are a caring person with interesting hobbies and you feel shy, anxious and depressed. This is okay and it does not mean that you are 'broken' at all. I also think it's very understandable that, after having lost family members to suicide and struggling with mental health yourself, you would be worried about going down the same route. But this isn't guaranteed at all. Recovery from addiction and mental illness is possible.

I'm sorry to hear that you were inadvertently exposed to pornography at the age of 8. You were young and had no understanding of pornography. Unfortunately, being exposed to sex and pornography at such a young age with no understanding can create difficulties such as struggling with addiction to porn/sex.

It's really good that you reached out to your mom and even better that she helped you. I'm wondering if there was anything that you or your mom did last time that helped you to avoid pornography and whether you can do that again?

It also sounds like moving may have triggered a relapse? Relapses happen, sometimes during times of change or when we may be struggling a bit, and that's okay. This does not make you a monster at all. It sounds like you are struggling a lot with the things that you've seen and this has affected your mental state- causing you to feel detached from friends, zoning out, feeling suicidal and drinking. It's good that you told your mother you need a counsellor. She doesn't have to know the reason why and I hope that you are able to get in touch with a counsellor soon.

It might help to reframe how you feel about yourself and your addiction. You are a good person, who unfortunately was exposed to pornography at a young age and as a result, have developed an addiction. But you were able to stop the addiction before, and you will be able to do this again. Having a relapse can be common and does not mean that you are a monster. It can help to reframe your thoughts and feelings and challenge any unhelpful beliefs that you may have. Often it's these negative thoughts that we believe that can spiral and lead us to feel worse. Challenging our thoughts can help prevent this a bit. It might also help to distract yourself a bit- for example, you seem a bit distant from your friends, so maybe it might help to reconnect with them. They don't necessarily need to know why you have been distant but that you need their support at the moment, even if it's just to take your mind off your thoughts.

Watching pornography, or having sexual thoughts, are not necessarily bad per say. It can be hard to resist a temptation but you have the option of either going cold turkey again, or attempting to cut down on the time you spend watching/thinking of porn. Set yourself a limit and over a few weeks, try and cut down, even if it's just a few minutes at a time. It may be impossible to say that you'll never have these thoughts or urges again, as they may be partly natural and partly to do with your experience. But it should not consume your life or affect your mental wellbeing. Also, pay attention to your triggers- are there particular times that trigger you into watching/thinking of porn? For example, if you notice you do this more when you are bored or on your own then it might help to find activities you can do to ease boredom and prevent you from being on your own too much.

Really hope that you are able to have counselling as counsellors are best placed to help with addiction. We are always here for you too. Hope this helps a bit

[Alpine]

I'm worried, that duality seems to be increasing. I have really good weeks but still, day after day, time after time those urges are still there. Everytime I'm left alone I have a relapse, or fight like hell to control myself. But it's a losing battle, and I'm constantly being reminded that I'm no better than I was the first time. I use some tools I've gotten from counsellors, or my mother, but it's so HARD. I'm just... tired of it, and scared.

Often I wonder I'm standing up with this on my shoulders as well as all the other crap happening in my life.

My father has a duality too, one that made him a loving parent and a toxic example of everything I'm trying not to become. I had to push him out of my life this June, and he won't leave me alone since. I haven't talked to him or seen him in months, I go out of my way to not be in town when he visits, which is hard for someone without a license or really anywhere to go. But I still miss him, and it hurts to remind myself why I did what I did.

A part of me, a savage part, wants to hurt him like he's hurt me over the years, to disappear like he did for months at a time. To refuse to see anything other than my own opinion.

And he's done things I can never forgive. But I miss him.

I'm ranting, spewing words that I know aren't really connected, but it just feels so good to express it.