Non-PG13: Female struggling with porn addiction and sexuality

[Biohazard320]

I am a woman. I watch porn.
So, I'm tired of being ashamed of something that's such a part of me.

(I've NEVER been sexually abused, and I've been brought up in a loving, more open-minded Catholic family that encourages me to stay pure, which I would like to be able to do, but understands that that might not happen)

I'm a 17 year old female, and I've known that I'm a particularly sexual individual to at least a small extent for as long as I can remember. I have weird fetishes--not just one fetish, but lots of them. My more intense fetishes appeared in early childhood before I had any concept of sex. It's very rare for me to find porn that I don't like even if the subject is something that makes me sick in real life. I need to figure out what my sexuality really is instead of being attracted to girls but saying I'm straight because I'm only romantically interested in men. Orgasms make me feel so much better when I'm down, I don't understand why I'm not being encouraged to safely seek them out. I wouldn't need as much anxiety medication if I could just stop feeling guilty for it.

I'm a virgin and am really scared of getting taken advantage of (an ex did that to me last year) and I don't even want a sexual relationship with another person until I'm ready, which I would like to be my wedding night. I like the idea of the sanctity of sex in a marriage, because it turns it into something beautiful instead of dirty, but at the same time if I'm being completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I love porn. I really do, I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

I'm an open book and I want to be able to talk about all of this stuff so much. I'm sick and tired of the sexist porn industry because they make it feel like you have to be a super freaky make pervert to enjoy the stuff that really turns me on. I'm also sick and tired of being made to feel subhuman about all of this.

I don't want to be into sex in this way, I want to wait till marriage, but I can't change the fact that I enjoy sex the way I do. I don't understand why the Church is so wonderful about so many things, but without meaning to hurt me, makes me feel like crap for being myself.

Bottom line: I don't know what to do to deal with this at all.
1-Am I normal? (keep in mind that I essentially will watch anything porn related in order to get off even when it gets fairly sick and twisted)
2-What different ways can I try dealing with (and enjoy) my sexual needs without the guilt?
3-Should I keep watching?
4-Should I try to get past the guilt or is the guilt there for a reason
5-Am I going to be able to have the traditional marriage that I want so badly?
6-Are there decent men out there that want a traditional Christian marriage will understand that I'm too addicted to too many different kinds of porn and will NEVER be happy with a sex life that involves him and him alone?
7-Do marriages exist where the couple is open and honest with each other sexually--without all the things I hear about fake orgasms and cheating without much of an attempt to spice things up before giving up?
8-Do you think I'll ever be able to find a man who really loves and respects me who believes in the sanctity of marriage and that will understand and appreciate my sexual appetite?

[Harmony♥]

1-Am I normal? (keep in mind that I essentially will watch anything porn related in order to get off even when it gets fairly sick and twisted)
ABSOLUTELY. Don't think you aren't normal just because you enjoy watching porn. I'm a straight female. This is how I identify myself, yet I love watching guy on girl, girl on girl and even guy on guy porn. I haven't been into any other kinds, but that doesn't mean YOU can't be. Watching certain types of porn doesn't make you a perv. Trust me. If that were the case, most teens and adults would be considered pervs.

2-What different ways can I try dealing with (and enjoy) my sexual needs without the guilt?
Just remember that you aren't the only one to that watches porn, and feels guilty about it. Everyone, at some point in their life, has watched porn and has, mostly likely, enjoyed it. Some people watch porn on a near daily basis, like myself, while others watch it occasionally. There is nothing to be ashamed of for something that you enjoy.

3-Should I keep watching?
This is something that is completely up to you. Nobody can tell you whether or not you should continue watching. This is something you need to decide alone. In my opinion, why quit? Yes, you may feel guilty afterwards, but that's something you need to figure out on your own.

4-Should I try to get past the guilt or is the guilt there for a reason
It's hard to tell if you're feeling guilty for a reason or not. It's most likely due to your religious upbringing. Your parent seem very open minded, which is great! They understand that teens are teens and they aren't forcing any kind of religious beliefs that sex should wait until marriage. Do I personally believe that sex should wait? No. I didn't wait because it was a decision I thought was right for me. You have every right to wait, however.

5-Am I going to be able to have the traditional marriage that I want so badly?
Again, this is something we can't exactly answer, but I can't see why not? I may not be married, but I'm enjoying a long-term, traditional relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, and we both watch porn on a near daily basis (when we aren't together and can be intimate). Lot's of people who watch AND enjoy porn have long lasting marriages.

6-Are there decent men out there that want a traditional Christian marriage will understand that I'm too addicted to too many different kinds of porn and will NEVER be happy with a sex life that involves him and him alone?
I'm not sure a man would understand this, however, lot's of guys watch porn. If not all of them watch porn. So, they have to understand to some extent. But, again, this is another difficult question to answer.

7-Do marriages exist where the couple is open and honest with each other sexually--without all the things I hear about fake orgasms and cheating without much of an attempt to spice things up before giving up?
Absolutely! I'm not exactly sure where these questions are coming from, but again, I'm in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend and have never ONCE faked an orgasm. Neither has anyone else I know that is married, and/or in a long-term relationship.

8-Do you think I'll ever be able to find a man who really loves and respects me who believes in the sanctity of marriage and that will understand and appreciate my sexual appetite?
Absolutely. If that person doesn't appreciate you for you, he isn't worth your time.

Remember that most of these questions are questions that are difficult for us to answer, so you may see similar answers to mine. These are all questions you'll need to either figure out on your own, or they will be figured out over time as you enter a more serious, relationship world. There is no rush for you to jump into the relationship that's going to make all these questions come true. You're only 17, and have plenty of time for those kinds of relationships.

[Biohazard320]

Hey, thanks for the response, it was really helpful. I asked those more difficult questions knowing I might not get good answers, but it's nice to know that the things I want to have in my future already exist in other people's lives.

This whole thread is about my sexual insecurities. My family and friends are just not very good to talk to about this kind of stuff. My parents are divorced and I haven't been exposed to very many happy marriages. I've seen a lot of relationships that got ruined because of sexual things, and I'm the type of person that likes to think really far ahead.

I also need a lot of reassurance due to my anxiety and paranoia problems, and I really would like to end up in a good marriage at some point, but I need to know that the type of marriage I want is possible, or I'd be tempted to give up on love altogether. Since the people in my real life are crappy examples on this subject, I search out good examples.

First of all, you have a lot going on here. We may not be able to answer all of your questions; some you will have to answer yourself, but maybe you can get an idea of where to start.

First of all, it's COMPLETELY normal to be a female and watch porn. Unfortunately, a large portion of porn, especially mainstream porn, is made by men for men. Not a lot goes into making porn geared toward women. That's why it can be much more enjoyable to watch more "artistic" or "independent" pornographic films. They have the same level, if not much more, or eroticism while being more authentic and less male-focused.

In addition, please pay attention to what I am about to say: it is perfectly okay to be interested in fetish sex or to have fetishes. There are too many people, including people much, much older than you, that go through life having a fetish or fetishes and being ashamed of it, so much so that they never share that part of themselves with a partner because they are afraid of what their partner might say. They live life feeling guilty for something that is just a part of them, and that's no way to live.

I do realize that a large part of this has to do with a conflict between what you feel and your religious upbringing. It can be very difficult to grow up and realize that parts of yourself that are important, like sexuality, are in direct conflict with your religious upbringing/beliefs. That's a gap that many, many people have to cross, myself included. We all have to bridge it in some way. It doesn't mean REJECTING your beliefs, but it means discovering a way that they can coexist peacefully within you.

For example, there are a growing number of christians who are in support of marriage equality. Does that mean they aren't christians? No. It means they make a choice to consciously support marriage equality based on what they know of God and his love. But I digress.

Am I normal?

Yes, you are 100% normal. Fetishes and fetish porn are more common than you make think; it's easier to believe you are strange or weird when there is no one around you who you can talk to or who shares your interests. But there are others out there. And many of them once felt the same way as you do now.

What different ways can I try dealing with and enjoy my sexual desires without feeling guilty?

Well, realizing that there is nothing wrong with you can be a start. But this is something you have to answer for yourself. It really has to do with what I said earlier about bridging the gap between what you believe and what you know about yourself. It doesn't have to be one or the other. But you have to find your own way to know that you don't NEED to feel guilty. Once you realize you are wonderful and okay as you are, that guilt will naturally begin to go away.

Should I keep watching?

I cannot answer this one for you. It's up to you. It depends on why you think you should stop watching. Is it out of a true aversion to the material? Or is it because you think you "shouldn't" be watching it? As long as what you are watching is not harming you or anyone else by watching it, I don't see a reason why you can't.

Should I try and get past this guilt or is the guilt there for a reason?

Again, touches on what I said earlier. I suggest asking yourself WHY you feel guilty. Not because "my church taught me x, y, or z." The church isn't the one that gave you the guilt; guilt is a self-generated emotion. Ask yourself why YOU feel guilty. And weigh the facts out. You need to decide if there is a valid reason why you should feel guilty.

Are there decent men out there that want a traditional Christian marriage will understand that I'm too addicted to too many different kinds of porn and will NEVER be happy with a sex life that involves him and him alone?

I'm not going to say this one is impossible, because you never know. However, I will tell you that the definition of "traditional christian marriage" is one man and one woman who are monogamous with one another.

The first thing I want to point out is that really enjoying fetish porn is not necessarily an "addiction." If it's interfering with your everyday life in a significant manner, then it may be an addiction. But liking it in and of itself is not. Even if it was, the problem isn't WHAT you are watching, it would be WHY you are addicted to it.

By definition, you would probably not have a traditional christian marriage. However, there are christian marriages in which the marriage is open, i.e. at least one of the people involved has the ability to in some capacity be intimate or romantic with others. Keep in mind the partners both talk about this in depth and are okay with the boundaries they set up; that's what makes it an open relationship and not cheating. You would just have to be with the right person. He may be trickier to find, but that doesn't mean he isn't out there.

Do marriages exist where the couple is open and honest with each other sexually--without all the things I hear about fake orgasms and cheating without much of an attempt to spice things up before giving up?

This is actually part of an ordinary health marriage. Heck, it's a part of a healthy romantic relationship in general. If a couple is making the choice to be sexually active, they need to be able to be 100% honest about their sexual needs and desires. If they need to rely on fake orgasms and cheating to either mimic or find sexual pleasure then they are not ready for a relationship, let alone a sexual relationship. If you cannot be honest with your partner, then they are not the partner for you.

Do you think I'll ever be able to find a man who really loves and respects me who believes in the sanctity of marriage and that will understand and appreciate my sexual appetite?

Absolutely.


If you have any more questions or comments or concerns, feel free to PM me. My inbox is always, always open.

[Biohazard320]

I'm really enjoying the responses I'm getting, I don't expect perfect answers, but I like to see how different people answer these questions, because different perspectives help me to answer them for myself.

I guess I need some perspective and guidance and in something this complicated and personal, I like to have a wide variety of perspectives.

I really want to make sure you all understand that just giving me your honest opinion will help me, no matter what it is, unless it's negative of course, because with the first two responses, I've already found some good information I wasn't expecting to get.

Thank you all so much, I still have a long way to go and a lot of questions to ask to figure out my own sexuality since no one in my real life supports it.

[Arcenciel]

1-Am I normal? (keep in mind that I essentially will watch anything porn related in order to get off even when it gets fairly sick and twisted)
Yes. You are normal. You are 100% completely normal. We as humans are sexual beings. We have urges, and some of us look at porn to release some of that energy...or because we're curious or for whatever reason. I also want to touch on something your title suggests...a porn addiction. I want you to think about this...because watching porn often is not necessarily an addiction. Some people watch it daily or maybe even a few times a day. An addiction develops when you feel like you CAN'T live without it. When it's taken over your life, you're cooped up in your house all day watching porn because that's the only thing that brings you satisfaction. An addiction is an illness. Just watching porn is not an addiction in itself. When I was a teen and got involved in the church, they threw around the word "addiction" like it meant that if you watched it at all, you were addicted to it. In short, yes, you're normal.

2-What different ways can I try dealing with (and enjoy) my sexual needs without the guilt?
Do what feels right for you. Something that personally helped me was just becoming okay with the fact that it was okay to watch porn once in a while and that it's okay to be a sexual person and enjoy that aspect of my life. Coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to explore yourself sexually and finding out what that looks like for you. It really is up to you to figure out what makes you feel better about your sexuality.

3-Should I keep watching?
Again, this really is up to you. If you don't want to watch it, don't watch it. If you do, fantastic. It's your choice, and if that takes a while for you to figure out, then that's fine

4-Should I try to get past the guilt or is the guilt there for a reason
This is something that you have to look at your own beliefs and convictions for. Religious groups will often suggest that the guilt is there because the chosen deity is telling you it's bad. Others may say that it's best to get past the guilt. I am throwing a bit of the religious stuff in here because you said you grew up Catholic...and that can be a huge factor in things like this. For me personally, I am a Christian, but I chose instead to get past the guilt and accept myself as a sexual being. Others who are and who aren't religious may choose to accept the guilt as a sign to stop and they do that. It's your choice

5-Am I going to be able to have the traditional marriage that I want so badly?
Yes. There is nothing stopping you from having whatever you want in life. People who watch porn and people who don't have happy marriages and make of them what they wish.

6-Are there decent men out there that want a traditional Christian marriage will understand that I'm too addicted to too many different kinds of porn and will NEVER be happy with a sex life that involves him and him alone?
Again I want to look at the word "addiction" and I want to know what it means to you. Are you debilitated by pornography? Does it prevent you from enjoying and participating in every day life? There is a difference between frequently or occasionally watching porn and actually being addicted to it. And yes, there are decent guys who will accept you for who you are. Everybody has somebody out there for them, and you will find the right person when he comes along

7-Do marriages exist where the couple is open and honest with each other sexually--without all the things I hear about fake orgasms and cheating without much of an attempt to spice things up before giving up?
Yes Many couples have safe, happy, and satisfying sex lives together. Yes, everybody runs into speed bumps or problems, but many many people are happy with their sex lives overall.

8-Do you think I'll ever be able to find a man who really loves and respects me who believes in the sanctity of marriage and that will understand and appreciate my sexual appetite?
Yes

I hope that I've been helpful.
Be well
Jen

[Arcenciel]

I double posted, oops.

[A Lady]

Hi! I don't feel like I can really answer your questions, I have no experience with sex or relationships. But if you would like a christian/catholic perspective on this issue, then you can check this site out. The first audio clip, by Jessica Harris is awesome.

http://theporneffect.com/who-does-it...omen/228-audio

[BestFriend]

thats not just u, thats everyone, but women are teached to be more quiet and shy. your hormons are wild and u cant stop it. but if u are catholic, u should pray a bit and take some sport. sport makes u less horny lol. so u know, it not very right to do that, but thats nothing horrified. u can stop it if u want with Gods help and your free will buy finding yourself some other things that satisfy u.