Bulimia

[Cristi.Matt]

I know it shouldn't, but it makes me laugh to think that just a few months ago I thought to myself "I'll NEVER make myself throw up. It's disgusting. I don't know how anyone could do it" and now i do it. I've stuggled with anorexia since 7th grade (im a junior in high school now) and as of a few weeks ago, I started making myself throw up. I've never been officially diagnosed, but i don't think its too hard to figure out that when you stop eating (or start making yourself purge) because you feel fat it's probably not exactly what most people would see as "normal". To be honest, I'm not totally sure why I'm posting this. I mean... I want to stop but at the same time I don't, if you guys know what I mean. I'm feeling really numb right now and to be honest i like this feeling. I get tired of being depressed and having to act happy. I get tired of hearing all the names people call me and having to live up to the high expectations. Even my mom and dad expect me to be perfect. I can't gain weight cuz they call my fat but if i lose weight then they accuse me of drugs. But I keep hoping if I lose weight by purging and starving myself, at least I'll only have to deal with my parents not EVERYONE. My friends tell me I'm skinny, but how am I supposed to believe that when everyone else is half my size! I've noticed this has sorta just become a rant and I'm sorry, I just really needed to get that out. I don't want to deal with this alone. I know I act like I don't want help, but I do. Please, don't leave me alone.

[Coffee.]

Hey, I understand your need to rant. It's okay to be upset. We're here to help!

I cannot diagnose you with bulimia, but a doctor can. Going to a doctor is the only way for it to be diagnosed was bulimia. Your behavior is disordered eating, however, it may not be the disorder you are thinking of. It doesn't make it any less serious.

I know your parents expect you to be perfect, but you can't always be, and the best thing to do would be to tell them that you are suffering. My parents always had that same type of expectation, that even if others suffer, I was supposed to be strong. I never brought it up with them, and it only hurt our relationship in the long run. At this point, telling your parents about your disorder would be beneficial.

Message me if you ever need to talk!

[Tigerlily.]

It's perfectly fine to rant and with a lot of people, myself included, we want to get better but at the same time it's so hard to quit because it's like an addiction and as you see the number on the scale go down, you can't help but feel happy. As for the how you think that's funny, I wouldn't say it's too awful wrong in a sense, I mean I first developed my EDNOS 7 years ago, and for the next few years even I would always think, "I could never purge in anyway, it's just so gross," and yet here I am 7 years later trying to recover and for the last year now I've used laxatives as a purging method, I still think it's gross and I know it doesn't work, but it really is a hard thing to stop. I think you should talk to some people, like your parents, a doctor, maybe even a therapist. We on TH can provide some support and encourage you to get better, but in the long run we can't provide you everything you may need like a diagnosis, or help on changing the state of mind you have on food and weight. We can surely try but in the end, it would be so beneficial to talk to a professional as well. If you ever want to talk, you can message me.

[Cristi.Matt]

Thanks that really helps. I wish I could talk to someone professional about it but i'm scared to let anyone find out. I mean in 9th grade a started cutting (but i quit) and when my dad saw the cuts on my arm he told me that if he found out i was doing it to myself he'd send me to an insane asylum