Triggering: Eating Disorder?

[Batman.]

**Might be triggering due to content mentioned, so please don't read if you're easily triggered**

So, I've never really posted in this thread, but I've had issues with my image, and with trying different things to lose weight, ever since I was about 10 years old.

My oldest brother has been telling me I'm fat and ugly since I was around 9 or 10, and even when I was a small bit underweight (nothing medically concerning), he was still calling me a fatass. So, I've done various things to restrict food. I've gone on Very Low Calorie diets, where I'd drink water and eat something small each day. I've skipped meals all together, for usually about a couple days, and taken OTC pain killers (i.e. Acetaminophen, or Ibuprofen, whatever is on hand) to avoid any soreness that'd come from such. I've tried to make myself throw up when I've felt fat. I've intentionally eaten foods that make me sick [like dairy] just to make myself sick (though that was before I went Vegan last year). I've done many things to myself.

At one point, I was actually overweight, but that was [mostly] due to the birth control I was on. The other part, well, the fellow I was dating had bad eating habits and was kind of lazy, and I was with him a lot. I got to be in the OBESE range, and I hated it. I switched off the birth control, and got a new one. I started losing weight. Things went wrong with me and that fellow I had been with, I started losing more weight. I walk a lot, and I eat my Vegan food, so I've lost a fair bit of weight since.

I've been eating fairly normal for a fair bit, mostly because my boyfriend gets upset with me if I try to skip a meal. That's great and all, although I don't eat much as is. I've been eating healthy, healthy enough that even as a Vegan, I don't need multi-vitamins. As far as my diet goes now, nothing is really wrong, except I still occasionally get in a bad frame of mind and starve myself, or highly restrict my food intake, but that's usually provoked by something that happens during the day.

However, despite all the ups and downs, I decided to check the scale today. I hardly ever look at the scale. In fact, the guys I've dated have strongly urged me to avoid scales. I checked, for the first time in a couple months AT LEAST, and found I weighed a bit less than expected. Which made me happy, I'm getting close to being in a more "normal" range. I had a goal to get back down to the weight I was before the birth control made me gain weight (where I was pretty much "normal" weight), but now, I find since I've lost more than expected, I want to lose more than I originally wanted to lose. I feel like this might get bad, to the point where I obsess with losing more and more and more.

This is why I'm kind of not allowed on the scale, according to guys I've been with. When I get on the scale, I end up in a worse state of mind, and the scale most commonly triggers me to skip meals, make myself puke, or whatever else.

[Angel]

Skipping meals, purging, and obsessively weighing yourself is not healthy. You should avoid the scale as best as you can if it triggers you into wanting to lose more weight. You are at a healthy weight now, yes? Eating healthfully and living an active lifestyle can be the best feeling in the world. Please do not sacrifice your health for anything. Your boyfriend seems to be very supportive of you! He would not like to see you slip either. Perhaps talking to him about your concerns can help, so he is aware of what you are going through and be there for you when you need it. It's difficult going through what you have gone through alone- thankfully there's no need to as long as you aren't staying silent.

As long as you're eating healthfully and exercising in moderation, there's no need for you to become a slave to your scale.

[Batman.]

Thanks, but I'm actually not a healthy weight yet. I'm a bit overweight. Not enough that a doctor has said anything, but enough that, well, yeah, I'm overweight.

My boyfriend is supportive, for sure. I'm trying not to slip, but it's kind of hard, because I feel so repulsive still. I'm happy I lost some weight, but no number feels like enough.