Triggering (ED): I feel like I am developing an eating disorder..??

[thelonelyqueer]

Hi, I am Eliot and I am 16 years old and I have always had a lot of trouble with body image, usually revolving around my genitals (I am transgender, so I hate being in a "female" body). I had for the past couple of years noticed I would binge eat when I was stressed, and sometimes id eat less than I probably should... I am starting to notice this becoming more severe (I guess that would be the word?) I always thought i was fat, even though I am average. I weighed edit lbs about 1 1/2 months ago, now when I last checked I weighted edited. I have been wanting to lose more and more because I feel like I am so overweight but I really am not, I am 5'5" so this weight is pretty healthy for my height, I just still feel like I am so overweight.. I look at myself and I am like "ewww! I am so fat, look at my chin.. BLAH!" in my new school picture I feel like I look so fat, I don't even smile for pictures that often anymore cause I feel like my cheeks look a lot bigger than they really are, which makes me feel even more fat. So for my school picture I sorta smirked i guess??? but I of course found a part of my face that looks fat which is my chin... I hate it. I say that my chin looks so big but everyone says that I look good in that picture they just wished I had smiled, I say I look fat they say I don't. I have a therapist and a lot of support, more than the average depressed teenager tbh. I have family based, trauma therapy, an in school therapist, and a caseworker. so I have a lot.. (and also a psychiatrist but I need to have that to take meds, which I do). Anyway, I have lately been wanting to starve myself.. like in math class I had some candy in my backpack which I ate one piece.. and I was forcing myself to not eat another because I didn't want to make other people look at me and think "ew he's eating so much candy thats so gross!!!" I have been starting to go on the scale more and more... I usually check my weight 3-6 times a week, so usually every day or so.. but I fear going onto the scale even though no matter what number is there I won't be classified as "overweight" but in my mind if I gain edited pound its like I gained edited. It makes me feel so disappointed in myself. I have been wanting to purge lately.. a lot. Like i almost did purge in math class after I did eat that second piece of candy that I was trying not to eat. I skip meals.. probably more than I should. I rarely eat breakfast, I eat lunch cause I eat in school, but when I get home I try to avoid eating... then when my mom offers me food I usually say I'm not hungry even if i am... and when I do eat, I will either eat very small portions or very large portions.. no matter what the portion size is I will put myself down and say that isn't right and that I shouldn't be eating that much and that i am disgusting etc etc. I have brought this up to my therapists before and my mom, they don't believe me. I am thinking about bringing it up to my therapist again today cause I feel like it's getting worse.. but the thing is i don't want help, I want to be skinny.. or what people would call "underweight" but to me is my goal... what do I do? does this sound like I have an eating disorder of some sort? I don't know.. lemme know though please && thank you.

[Jess_5sos]

Hey, yes it does sound like you have an eating disorder because of the fact that you are intentionally not eating as much as you probably should be. I think that if you tell your therapist again, maybe they might take it more seriously this time because you've already brought it up before. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't pleased with your weight but considering the feedback you get from others, that doesn't really matter to people. If you'd like to lose weight, maybe you should just eat on a regular schedule but workout on a daily basis as well? That's all the advice I have for now, hopefully that was helpful. Pm me anytime if you'd like to talk!

-Jessica

I agree with Jessica. I definitely think u should tell ur therepist again bc once this cycle starts continuously it is so hard to get it under control and to develop healthy eating habits again. It will be easier to recover if u start getting help now while it's still early on rather than later when it's threatening ur life.

I have an eating disorder and I wish I would've stopped before it has come this far. It gets very addicting with the habits that r not healthy. And most people who have EDs will gain all the weight back and more once they recover so it would be best to just eat healthy but enough and do some exercise every day. That will help u look good and lose weight but not be underweight bc that is very dangerous.

I have a friend who is underweight and gets called "anorexic" all the time but I see her eat a ton. She loves food and she is just naturally like that or maybe she just eats really healthy all the time. But no, she doesn't starve herself or restrict, she doesn't purge, she doesn't avoid junk food. She is perfectly normal and likes to work out.

That's a big motivation for me bc it's good to see skinny people who r healthy. Her goal is to actually gain weight bc she's too skinny. She just has a super fast metabolism. People with EDs can ruin their metabolism for the rest of their lives so they can have a hard time losing weight once they gain it back. But I think there r ways to repair it I'm just not sure how. My counselor told me about this diet thing that completely repairs the metabolism of people who ruined it by starving themselves.

I don't want u to go through all that like I did. I have a bunch of people in my life who r extremely worried about me right now bc of what I keep doing to myself. I'm destroying my body and I can't help it. I was told that I'll need to go to the hospital if I don't stop purging bc my esophagus might erode or something similar. I had a choir concert last night and I had a solo but I forgot the words and I was so embarrassed. That's all bc I don't eat and I wasn't fully functional.

These r the consequences of eating disorders. It is not fun and I don't want u to go through this. My best friend is so mad at me right now from going down this road. And I can't stop. So please take my advice while u can.

I hope this helped and pm me anytime, okay?
Good luck.

-- Cheyenne