Triggering (ED): Do I have an eating disorder?

Hey guys. I know I keep posting in this group lately, but the struggle I'm going through is consuming my life right now, and I really need advice.

I'm concerned I have a full-blown eating disorder at this point, or that I'm at least on the way to one. When I started losing weight I switched to eating four or five small meals a day. While I probably wasn't eating quite enough calories I wasn't trying to restrict in an unhealthy way. Then my eating schedule got thrown off, where I went back to eating two larger meals with a snack in a day because I was with my boyfriend half the week and that's how he eats. I didn't like this. On top of that, everyone started commenting on my weight (sometimes even on what I was eating as I ate) and giving me advice. That made everything worse. I began to become self-conscious.

If you've read my other posts you know I started purging. The first time I tried to purge was only a couple of weeks into my weight loss, but it didn't become a habit (and I didn't become "successful" at it) until about a month or so in. I liked purging because I could eat "normally" and get rid of it later. My weight stopped going down and I started purging even more. However my group therapist keeps getting on my case each week when I turn my diary card in. Finally one day all the other group members chimed in during my check-in, saying I should try Weight Watchers, or go to Overeaters Anonymous (I'm not even overeating. I'm purging after eating average servings of food.). I was so angry I left group.

After that I realized if I kept purging everyone was just going to keep on my case. More than that, I realized I am terrified of eating. I get anxious if I eat anything more than a vegetable or a small serving of carbs. I suffer through anxiety attacks at meals with other people. I force myself to eat normally with them so they won't know anything is wrong. But because I can't purge anymore without judgment I started restricting.

I feel so scared and alone. No one other than my group knows how bad it is, and they don't even know the full truth. I'm just making it look like I'm purging less; I'm not telling them I'm now restricting.

Do I have an eating disorder? I know I can't diagnose on the internet but I can't ask anyone else. I feel like I can't because it's only been a few months and I haven't had these problems since high school. I also feel like eating disorders are for "normal" sized or "skinny" people, not girls as big as me. I'm also ashamed because my sister is a recovering anorexic. I feel like I can't be the one in the family with an eating disorder because that's her issue. I feel like a copy-cat.

But the past that makes me worse is the compulsive aspect to my behaviors (although restricting is of course more calculated) and the anxiety about eating. I had pizza the other day and I cried afterwards. My SH urges are higher than they've been in months. This isn't normal, and I don't know what to do. I'm not ready to give up the behaviors so I feel like I can't tell anyone.

[Thereishope]

Hey there Jordan!

First off let me start with the fact that it doesn't matter what size you are. Anyone can have an eating disorder. Also as you said, you can't get a diagnoses over the internet. I would strongly suggest you talk to a doctor, etc about your concerns. It may turn out to be nothing to worry about but they can tell you. Sorry I probably wasn't much help but I tried!

Your right no one can tell you if you have an ED or not over the internet. I am obese and am diagnosed with an eating disorder size doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter if your sister has an ED you can still have one and not copy her. My whole family on my moms side has problems with food. My grandma is an emotional eater mom rarely eats a whole meal and my sister is a food addict and I have EDNOS. I would honestly ask your therapist about this and see if she can send you to a therapist that specializes in eating disorders so you can get a diagnoses so you know for sure.

Hey Jordan,

The fact that you are purging on a regular basis or restricting if you can't purge is concerning. I know you know I can't diagnose you and I wouldn't try but I would definitely say you are participating in behaviors that are disordered and if they keep up they could only get worse.

I struggled with food issues all my life but I am considered obese so no one ever took it seriously. People still don't take it seriously sometimes. But, I've been diagnosed as EDNOS and my current therapist knows about my struggles and we'll talk about it from time to time. Weight does not factor in to whether or not you 'can' have an ED and I wish more people knew that. There is the stereotypical idea of what an Eating disorder should look like but there are a number of people who don't fit that stereotype.

I honestly feel that it is in your best interest to tell your therapist about what you are doing. Tell her you are concerned that this is becoming a problem and see what she has to say. Eating Disorders are hell to deal with when you have support and they are even harder to deal with (in my opinion) when you are trying to do it on your own. Don't do it alone. Let your therapist and any other people in your life know about your struggles. Hopefully you will receive the support you deserve.

I hope that this helped in some way and if you need anything feel free to message me.

[Palmolive]

Hi there,

We can't tell you whether you have and Eating Disorder because we're not trained medically to diagnose you as Im sure you know.

However, it does sound like you do have issues surrounding your eating. I know it's really hard but these people want to help you, I am sure, and they can't do so unless you are telling them the whole truth. Just like we couldn't help you if you didn't tell us the whole truth. You know? I know it can be hard to tell the truth to people but it can also be very worth it and can be very beneficial and I think and hope you will find it helpful.

Purging is very dangerous for your health. I am sure you already know this but I'm going to say it again anyway and it means you need to be careful. I'm diagnosed with EDNOS and Bulimia and I'm now on medication because of the affects of purging. Its dangerous. It can get bad and it can affect your health in the future and so can restricting your diet for that matter.

What is it about food that scares you? That puts you into that panic mood where you feel so anxious you are on borderline of having a panic attack? DO you know? Is it calories, fat or just the pure fact that its food. Is it about weight or control? What is it that's causing these problems about food and your eating?

When you get the anxiety about eating, try deep breathing through your nose and out through your mouth. Just deep breaths in and out. Okay?

We're here for you so don't be alone. And keep yourself safe and well. You deserve all things good.
Jessie.

[crotia]

I have two video's for you. please watch them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOBihz7gTkk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWZL...7mCzvw21ooJ2Ep

Hope that helps answer your questions.

PS she has a lot of vids about ED maybe you should check them out sometime

Thank you all for your responses. I talked to both my therapist and my psychiatrist. They didn't formally diagnose me but they did acknowledge I have some disordered behaviors and thinking when it comes to eating and recommended seeing a nutritionist. I'm in the process of attempting to make an appointment.

[Kindred]

I'm going to close this as there's an updated thread here if anyone still wants to contribute!