Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Fuck recovery and three months purge free

I said yes to greasy pizza tonight and I say fuck to my recovery I'm probably going to purge tonight. I tried on close today that would have fit a month ago and now they don't. I'm fucking gaining weight it's so gross and it needs to stop. After Christmas I plan on restricting again. I just want to take a razor and cut all of this nasty gross fat off of my body. I can'live being this heavy. The only reason I know my weight is because in the ER they weighed me and I had all my close on and boots so that weight was wrong. Then they weighed me at the mental hospital and that weight was lower but still really high. I'm so sick of being the fat one. Clothes don't fit. I want to be back in junior sizes. I plan to be by summer. I'm so fucking hungry I'm going to eat so fucking much and ugh. I'm probably going to end up to want to cut after I purge. I'm so sick and tired of fighting this. I'M DONE FIGHTING IT. i'M GOING TO GIVE UP MY ED RECOVERY.

[Kindred]

Hey Frankie,

You'll probably have already heard everything I'm going to tell you, and I'm sorry about that <3 I hope I can be of some comfort.

I think it's the pizza that has caused this mindset, not anything else and certainly not because it's time to give up on recovery. You've already come so far, and there's so much ahead of you in life that's worth fighting for that an ED will take away from you. You're not gross for gaining weight- it happens. Especially in this season, it's very very common and it doesn't mean you, or anyone else for that matter is disgusting or gross or needs to purge. Weight fluctuates, it's rare for someone to stay the exact same weight over a period of time. As for clothes, sometimes the sizes aren't exactly consistent. You might have gained weight or it's equally likely that the clothes were small for their size.

It's a hard fight, it really is and there isn't a single person in the world who can hold their hand up and say it's easy to recover from these disorders because it's not. It's downright hard and ugly and challenging and you'll uncover parts of yourself you never knew existed. But you need to stick with it, sweetheart, you will get there, I believe in you. Life is so much easier when you don't need to worry about this and if you stick with recovery, these worries will one day no longer concern you.

If you're genuinely overweight and need to lose weight for health reasons, please try and overcome this mindset first, with the help of a therapist. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, remember that.

Good luck <3