am i developing an eating disorder?

[lilyadele]

I'm worried I might be developing an eating disorder. I am 16 years old and I only weigh [EDITED] but I have always been underweight for my age. I've always eaten anything and everything I wanted and I really never gain any weight and my friends are always jealous of me because of it. I've never had a problem with my body until recently, like maybe in the past 9 months.
Once I hit puberty I got a little hips, which is fine, but I also got really big upper thighs and I feel like I look like a squash. I kept thinking these untrue things about my body. But I never really did anything about it at first. I still ate whatever I wanted to. But in the back of my mind I always told myself, "If I reach [EDITED] I'll just starve myself". That was sort of my logic behind it.
But just in the past few months I've been getting really aware of everything I eat. I always look at nutrition labels. I get depressed an regretful after I eat a lot. I always thought about being anorexic but then I realized I have no self control. So instead I made myself throw up last week. And just two nights ago I did it again. I will eat so much junk food until I get sick and feel like I have to get it all out. And then after I throw up I will continue to eat more. I just now ate some fruit, and then I was still hungry so I ate cereal, and then I went right for the potato chips and now I feel disgusting and I'm contemplating throwing up again.
In my mind I don't see it as an eating disorder, I see it as me just making myself feel better because I've eaten too much. It's less about me having a problem about my body and more of me having a problem with food. It doesn't make sense to me. I think I need help.

[Kate*]

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this, it's very easy to get trapped in. It's normal for girls to gain weight during puberty and the changes can be hard to accept for some people. I'm glad that you decided to reach out and that you realize that it's a problem. I would suggest talking to your parents, a doctor, or a counselor about what's going on. The longer you do it, the harder it is to stop. If you want to cut out junk food that would be a healthy choice, but don't become too restrictive. Food is not an enemy and eating doesn't make you "disgusting" or mean that you have to throw up.

[hocus pocus]

Hey there!

I'm sorry you're struggling, I know how painful of a place that this is. When you mentioned that you have an untrue perception, you are recognizing that it is definitely untrue and that there could be an issue with thinking that way.

As for your hips and thighs, I know how that feels as well. However, think of it as a good thing if you can - it means that you're capable of creating life and that is a beautiful thing.

Every time you want to criticize yourself, look at a part of you that you like. Do you like your eyes, perhaps? Your arms, or your hair? And embrace what you like about being you. I'm sure you're a good person and have great personality qualities, so really try to empathise yours.

Lastly, I would recommend talking to someone about purging. You don't deserve to go through this, I promise. In the meantime, when you feel the need to purge, try to stay distracted. I'm going to link you to the eating disorder's video page so you can check it out.