On the way to have an eating disorder ?

[frison1313]

Hey guys, this thread is certainly going to be stupid but I need to write it down to feel I told someone.
I've always had a great appetite, I'm very gourmand. I'm the one who eats the rest when the family doesn't want to finish, the one who cannot resist to cookies. I had always eaten a little bit more than the others when I was alone but didn't feel guilty, just thinking that i was really a pig to eat so much but whatever it was done.
On February I cut down all the high carb, lost weigh, but ended binging. Of course I was so happy with my new me : thinner. But restricting is too hard too frustrated. I remember telling this to my shrink and she told me stop this or you'll be caugh in the vicious circle of bulimia. That was the perfect plan : bulimia. I was craving for it almost wishing I had it. ( I know this is so stupid I feel very ashamed telling this). And in march, I purge for the first time. I had found THE solution. From then, I binge and purge regularly, more than once a week, and the purging is almost everyday, once to twice a day. I read a lot of articles about bulimia, and when I do binge, it's not for some emotional reasons ( althought sometimes it is but it's rare) its more like, it's all or nothing, either I don't eat this chocolate, either I eat all of it knowing that I can get it out and that I still have the last word, winning the battle. The worst is I don't feel guilty afterward, and that's really upsetting me. It makes me wanna cut myself to punish me but I don't, I'm 5 weeks clean and I don't wanna relapse.
I was only guilty when I plugged my shower because of my puke and my maid had to clean it and I had to lie to my parents telling them I was sick.
I think often about food. I have a desire to lose weight but its not strong as it used to be and a love for food. It's a control thing. I don't even know why I'm doing it and I feel so stupid. But I really do like it, it's my own little secret my dark face, everyone thinks I'm the good girl etc
I'm going on summer camp and I look forward to it cause there I could skip meals without no ones telling me to eat isn't that weird ?
I wear leggings sometimes to make an electroshock to me like this when I will look into a mirror I will be disgusted. I'm making this to embarasse myself, I'm crazy!!!
I weight myself a lot like 7 times a day. I know I'm at a completely regular weight but its not enough for me.
I stopped seeing my therapist. I don't wanna get help, I wanna be on my own, it's not that bad, it's like I wanna be really sick before to seek for help.
it's not out of control, i can stop but i don't want. Eating whatever you want knowing that you can purge it is so tempting, so easy..
Sorry for this long and uninteresting post. I'm so boring.

[JustACityBoy]

I'm not sure whether you continue to do it, or you stopped and is just tempted however -
That was a eating disorder, but it's good that your open about it and you realized it.

You weighed yourself 7 times in a day which shows obsession with weight.
There is plentiful good food around to eat.
So your in a current dilemna; eat good food and gain weight, or avoid eating that good stuff which is very hard.
Naturally the easiest way for you was to eat good food and just binge; it makes you not gain weight and also lets you eat as much as you want.

Since vomiting isn't something humans are adapted to, it's gonna lead to terrible dehydration and other internal damage.
I think the most important thing here is that there is no more left-over food, and limit the amount of good food you buy. Gum is pretty good for keeping your mouth busy.

Going to summer camp is awesome since it avoids food. That's not weird at all. It's like working out on the staircase when nobody's watching.

The uninteresting and long thoughts are the things that trouble us most. I must be boring too then.

[frison1313]

Thank you for taking the time to answer, you're not boring
I'll try gum

[SouthernBelle.]

First, I'd say you need to confront the reason why you're binging. A lot of the time when we develop an eating disorder is when we feel out of control of what we're doing. Instead of us owning the food, the food owns us; this leads to us doing anything that's possible to put the food in its place, to make us feel like we're strong enough. I say "us" because I used to eat about nine-hundred calories a day, and run two or three miles cross-country; it isn't as bad as some, but it was really taking a toll on my health.

So instead of confronting the eating disorder, confront the cause of the eating disorder, which seems to me to be social binging. Cut the snake off at its head, rather than cutting half its tail off. Look back to those days with the cookies and finishing the family's leftovers for them, and think hard about the circumstances that caused you to feel you'd lost control over what you were eating. Some questions to ask yourself:

• Was I really hungry?
• Did my family ask me to eat, and I didn't want to disappoint them?
• Did I eat too much?
• After I did eat, did I feel upset about it?
• What did I do to remedy feeling out of control?

Work from there. Also, look to your body's cues for advice: On a scale of one to ten before you eat (with one being least hungry and ten being voracious), judge your hunger levels; if you're not hungry, find an alternative to bond with the people around you, such as inviting people to play card games or telling them about your day. Look at food as fuel which is there to help you achieve your goals, rather than undermine them, and simply resist binging: Eat until you're comfortable, but no further. It sounds like this is what's triggering your purging (the discomfort caused by eating).


Now, about cutting out your high carbohydrate diet: Your body needs a certain amout to fuel itself. Carbohydrates give use energy, while fat and protein and nutrients in food make the carbohydrates stay with us longer. As a moderately active person, I eat anywhere between three and six servings of carbohydrates a day, and I pair the carbohydrates with lots of vegetables and fruits. When eating, I'll make sure I'm not too full to ingest some form of protein (i.e., some shrimp, soybeans, almonds, walnuts, pecans, or something else like that). This gives me the comfortably "full" feeling that I need, and I find that I can go as long as four or five hours without eating, and sustain my runs and hikes much longer.


A danger of purging is not getting enough nutrients into your system; ironically, not getting enough nutrients into your system may be the reason you're binging in the first place. Look at nutrition labels on the foods you're eating overmuch of, and compare and contrast them with other foods: Which is the nutrient which is highest in concentration in each of those foods? For instance, is there a concentration of Iron, even 4% or greater? Or Vitamin A, B, or C? Your body may be needing more of any of those nutrients, so I'd recommend an over the counter supplement, and perhaps going to consult your doctor (especially if it's an Iron deficiency, as this can lead to anemia). Getting all of the nutrients you need will reduce your urge to binge, which will reduce your urge to purge.


In conclusion, the body is a very complex machine, which needs certain fuels to continue its existence. By purging, you're harming your chances of getting all the nutrients you need, which makes you need to binge more. Imagine it like a car with a hole in the fuel pump: You put gasoline into the car, the gasoline leaks out of the hole, and suddenly you need more than ever to fill you up and keep you going, but it's even harder to fill it up because that hole is always there. By purging, you're losing all of the "fuel" (i.e., nutrients) you need to keep you going, so you return to the "pump" (i.e., the kitchen cabinets) to refill; while you're at it, the "car" (your body) knows that you're going to lose nutrients, so it tries to eat as much as it can to last it the longest amount of time. Then you purge, and the fuel leaks out and needs to be replenished. The simplest way to fix it? Use the hints and tips above to patch the hole, which is your mentality toward food.




I hope you get to feeling better, and I hope this wasn't too long, lol. Message me if you ever need some advice or want to talk.

[frison1313]

No problem your post might be long but it was helpful ! I binge also in secret when i'm alone, but i'm gonna try to stick to your recommandations
thank u!!!!!!