Boarderline Anorexia/Struggling

[EmilyHope]

[EDITED]since Febuary 2nd. God Im so gross, my body is disgusting as well, do you have any idea how many times I've been told that this week?... Lent is coming up, which is the reasoning for my restricted intake, well, at least at first. Now Im just letting it go. I don't know, I triggered myself, I see my overweight family members(whom I love so much...) and Im just terrified that im going to be that way... every once in awhile I'll break and purge, I feel like Im falling back into my patterns from June when I had anorexia. I've been fasting and eating very little and its been taking a lot out on my strength. What is it like to be normal? To ACTUALLY love yourself.... Its mostlt my scars getting to me... Id rather be skinny and scarred instead of disgustingly fat and scarred too....

[Just Peachy.]

Define normal? Because there is no such thing as normal. Or do you mean what is it like to live life without an ED? Laura (Harlequin) knows a lot about recovery, so she could tell you what being recovered is like better than I could. But let's explore this for a minute. We're human, thus we're not perfect. Every single one of us has or had something they wanted to change about themselves. We see flaws in ourselves that other people don't see. And it's unfortunately natural and not fixable. We also, as humans, cope with these wants and such in very unique ways. So for some girls, coping with stress, anger, fear, low self esteem, etc means restricting their food intake to control the world around them and to fill that void. Our main goal in this world should be health and happiness. Your ED brings neither of the two. If you're full recovered from an ED, or far along in that process- you will realize that even if you lose the weight you want to lose you will never be happy. As long as you hang on to Mia and Ana, they keep you off the track to happiness. But it takes will power to get back on that track without the two. And when you're a ways down the track, you'll begin to understand what it feels like to be normal.

It's a blessing. Being in recovery. From something that near kills you (underweight or not) to being healthy is a true blessing. And proof of the strong person that you are. It's a lovely ugly process, but the light at the end of that tunnel and beyond is beautiful. You learn to love yourself for who you are and to cope with anything life throws at you. You can look at food and smile because you know that it can't hurt you; that the only person who can hurt you is you. You'll be able to go to a restaurant or eat with friends without the panic attack. You can learn to lose weight in a healthy weight in build self esteem. It's lovely how much joy recovery can bring to a person.

That's what that's like. And I didn't cover it all. So much to look forward to.

Right now, you're in a night mare. That's an Eating Disorder described in one word. You're killing yourself. I'm not trying to scare you, it's the truth. This ED will run you into the ground until there is nothing left of you. I don't think I need to address the health issues associated with this disease, but if you would like me to I could. You need help. Get help before you get worse. Can you talk to someone about this? Parents? Teachers? Friends, distant relatives, principles, guidance counselor, aunt, uncle, boss, lady down the street? Talking is hard but you need to save yourself. Save yourself from this living death. Get help.