Binge eating during anorexia recovery

[MCT1204]

I am almost 21 and although I denied it for a very long time, my eating disorder (anorexia or restrictive eating) began when I was 19.

In a year I gained nearly enough weight to reach my goal weight. However I became distressed at my weight gain and lost a few kg's again.

People around me began telling me I was really thin again (some in a positive manner and some in a negative manner), I had stress of exams and I was living by myself whilst my family were away. I wanted to gain weight so badly and overcome it all and be "normal" again so I began to eat ridiculous amounts of food.

In about 2 months I have gained almost EDITED My BMI is within the normal range but such a huge weight gain in such a small amount of time has made me very uneasy. I feel huge, I feel sluggish, I feel embarressed of what people must think about such a rapid change. I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore and I don't want to go out in public and see anyone. I also can't stop eating so much because my body is so used to it now and I'm always hungry.

I used to be such a social person and now I am just so upset all the time at myself. On the one hand I want to go out and socialise, but on the other I just want to stay at home so nobody can see me because I feel so horrible and disgusting.

How do I overcome this so that I can feel good about myself again and stop gaining weight?

[Kindred]

Hey lovely <3

Okay. I'm not a doctor. But from talking to other people, and my own experience,I want to start by saying something. Binge eating in recovery from a restrictive eating disorder is not 'binging'. (Watch out for weight numbers) Your body has, quite frankly, gone through hell. Depriving it of something so necessary will have messed it up immensely. Your hunger cues have probably been messed up beyond belief. This can cause all sorts of weird stuff in recovery. But with regards to extreme hunger:

(Credit to a fantastic girl called Kate for that)

Extreme hunger is a natural response to starvation, sweetheart. Recovery takes a lot of effort, and it can't be rushed. It's a process. Go too quick and you'll likely make mistakes and have to start over. Go too slow, and you'll be holding yourself back. Life is waiting for you, you just need to find the motivation to get there. Extreme hunger is a phase a lot of people go through. It passes. Trust me. But only if you go with it, and don't restrict in response.

You sound like you've done absolutely fantastic. Seriously kid. Well done. Deciding to recover, not to mention actually going through with that, is one of the hardest and bravest decisions people with eating disorders have to make. I'm proud of you, in all seriousness, because I know how hard it is.

Weight gain is a part of recovery. Can't heal the mind without healing the body first. And the way you heal your body is by eating however many calories you need a day systematically until your hunger cues come back. When your hunger cues do return, listening to them and eating accordingly will lead to your natural weight. No restriction at all. No 'I want to eat but I've already eaten enough today'. Nothing. Eat when you're hungry. Physical health often returns before mental health. At a 'healthy' weight, I was still thinking in a very disordered fashion, and it took lots of love, care and food to get me where I am today.

Body image. If recovery hurts, that means it's working. It's not supposed to be comfortable, darling. I could, however, empathise with a lot of what you were saying: Feeling 'sluggish' and 'huge' are a few things my lovely eating disorder gave to me (eating disorders are crap at buying Christmas presents). Why is it important that I mentioned I felt the same? Because we are two different people, leading different lives. The only thing that makes us similar is our eating disorder- so it's a good bet that if you're feeling the same way I did, that's because of the eating disorder. In fact- I guarantee it. I no longer feel disgusting and huge, and guess what? I'm not disgusting or huge. I'm beautiful, and my body is perfectly imperfect.
You're so much more than a body. A body is just your shell, a container for your personality, your skills, your quirks, and more. You can't live without it. Something that helped me though was thinking of all the things my body enabled me to do- like go for long walks with music in, go rock climbing- small, silly things like that.



I'm proud of you. Go out and live the life you've earned back, gorgeous <3