Triggering (Suicide): What is wrong with me?

[Natural2]

I don’t know where to start, but I’m basically clueless as to what my problem is. I know that something definitely must be wrong with me because of my thoughts, my relationships to other people and my substance abuse but I don’t know what it is and it is driving me crazy. So to start, I just finished high school and am now visiting grade 11 at a vocational college in my hometown. Ever since I went there I had a feeling that everything was getting better, and it totally was, my environment is so much better than everything that happened at my own school and my grades are better than ever. But thats where it stops. I started smoking weed at 14, drinking and smoking at 13 and for a while nothing was really a problem. Now I’m 16 and my friends are mostly all same age. My whole friend group is abusing substances, all kinds of drugs, and many of them. Though not all my friends are heavily substance addicted and many only smoke weed and drink on a daily basis. I am so confused because many of my problems go into the same direction as those of my friends, but all my friends have a real reason, which is what I’m missing. One of my best friends got sexually abused as a child, another has an alcoholic mom, another ones mom died when he was a few years old and his dad was an alcoholic, and so many of my friends still get beaten or verbally abused. But I never had such problems. I had a comparably good childhood, my parents never really faced financial struggles, didn’t abuse me or anything really. I know that my consumption does not make things better for me, but it helps me deal with my feelings. But it also can’t be the cause because I started noticing that I was not “normal” in middle school. Looking back I really would say I was a weird kid. Since my parents found out about me cutting myself and smoking I argued with them lots of times. It’s not that they blame me for it, and they even understand that it helps me deal with myself. But I became more and more distanced from them and it hurts me to my core because all I want to do is make them proud, but all they do is worry about me. I hate myself and I don’t even know what or who I am. I have had violent suicidal and homicidal thought, though mostly suicidal in which I fantasize about brutally murdering myself with a edited or something in that direction. I have had so many “best friends” only for all to come crumbling down and me having to search new persons to become my “best friend” but they all leave after half a year, after I had the time of my life with them, and honestly I don’t know if it’s them who dont want to stay around, if it’s the circumstances and environment (like where I know them from) that’s separating me, or if I’m actually pushing away people and sabotaging my own relationships. And if that were true, I still wouldn’t know WHY. I started going to therapy every month but my therapist doesn’t really seem to understand me, and I also have trouble opening up to her. I have so many negative thoughts and I am completely clueless Why. And those are still not all of the things I think about almost an a daily basis. And somehow everyday it shifts between me not seeing an alternative to suicide, or me not acknowledging my problems at all because on that day I’m not feeling really bad.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

Thank you for writing in.

First, I want to say congratulations on starting a vocational college. It's great that your grades are better and your environment is as well to some extent. Also, you may be struggling right now, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that you are a bad person.

If you wish to change the behaviors such as substance use, it is said that you have to change the things, people, and places in your life. For example, the people in your life seem to be a trigger to drink, smoke, or use other substances because they are using them as well and you pick up behaviors from the people you spend the most time around. So, if your friends are engaging in substance use, you are likely to engage in it too to be part of the group. For places, try and remove places that you use these substances. For example, if you smoke or drink in the park then try not to go to those areas so you are not triggered. Removing the things that trigger you is also important, such as objects, scenarios, and other factors.

People also don't need a "reason" to become addicted to substances. It only takes trying something once to start liking how it makes you feel, which can start you going down a difficult road.

Identify the driving emotions that are driving you to use self harm. For example, do you use more when you're angry, sad, or anxious? It can help to replace the behaviors you want to change to behaviors that are healthier or more positive. Knowing the driving feelings can help tailor your outlets. Exercise is a great one, especially if you like having energetic feelings. If you like drinking, try fizzy or flavored waters. I've heard of people using Topo Chico waters, or non-alcoholic seltzers because of the taste and sensations. Find other relaxing activities like baths or scented candles to soothe your mind.

It sounds like your parents are trying to be supportive of you. Instead of distancing yourself from your parents, try to talk to them about it. It may help if you write things down in the form of a letter that you can leave for them to read if you're worried about expressing yourself verbally. They'll still want to talk to you but you'll have your initial points out. Maybe when you feel those urges you can try to talk to your parents about what's going on in that moment first and ask for support. Sometimes when I am triggered to self harm I also just spend time with them watching TV or playing games so I'm around other people and away from the problem.

This is a link to an alternatives thread that may give you things to do instead of self harm or substance use. If one technique doesn't work, try others, because some work better than others for different people.

Having violent suicidal and homicidal thoughts sounds concerning to me. If you think you are at risk of acting on any of these thoughts, I strongly encourage you to visit your local emergency room to be evaluated. You may be required to be admitted to an inpatient facility. I know this is probably not what you want, but they can help keep you safe and stabilize you to a point where you are no longer in danger of acting on these thoughts. Inpatient can be scary the first time, but a lot of it revolves around therapeutic groups and techniques as well as socialization with other people so you do not feel as isolated.

Are there clubs or social groups at your vocational college? Alternatively, are there any in your town, or any volunteering opportunities? These options are great ways to meet new friends who have things in common with you, even without using substances. You can develop strong, lasting bonds, and maybe one day one of these people can be considered a true best friend with time.

Therapy can be hard when you don't feel as if your therapist understands you or if you don't know what to say. If you think the main problem is not knowing what to say, perhaps you can write down some of the significant things that have happened or that you have thought/felt since your last session. Sometimes I don't know what to talk about, but I find that keeping a running list of important details helps me remember what I need to say. Also note that not every therapist will be the right fit for every person, so you might need to try another therapist. There is no shame in trying out a few therapists to find one that truly clicks with you. You might also be able to find one that has more experience in certain areas, such as substance use, so they better understand you.

This is a list of reasons to live. Sometimes you have to live for the small things while waiting for a bigger thing to come your way. Simple things like watching a sunset or playing with pets can help boost your mood and give you something to smile about.

I truly hope things start to look up for you soon. You deserve happiness.

Take care,
Dez