Triggering: My Mind

Mindfulness. · 09:12 AM

My mind is playing tricks on me again.

I'm finding it hard to find motivation to do anything and to simply be productive like I used to be. All I want to do is stay at home in bed or on the lounge, while watching TV or playing a game on my phone. I'm finding it hard to concentrate due to the brain fog that I have been experiencing.

I've noticed that I want to drink and/or gamble more and over the last couple of weeks, I have binged drank a couple of times and played on the poker machines a lot more than I should have.

I hate being like this. I should be saving for bills, my holiday and for rainy days, to which I am 90% of the time, but then I have these days where I just go out on a bender and don't care about anything.

All of this is down to the fact that I feel like I'm not where I should be in life.

I'm now 32 years old, don't have a child and I'm still studying at University. During my life, I do things either too early or too late and I know that my journey is different from the next persons, but I often criticize myself for not having the things that I should have at the moment.

I have also stopped reaching out to people after realising that it was always me doing it. Because of that, I no longer speak to a lot of individuals that I once called friends, and I even decided to remove a lot of people off my Facebook and Instagram profiles. I do have a small group of friends to which we have a group chat and they don't mind (or it appears that way) that I often don't have much to contribute to what they are talking about online or face to face. My husband and I do get invited to events from this group of friends and we do attend when we can.

I often wonder why people don't reach out and I come up with logical explanations such as that they are busy with their own lives. But so am I and I used to send a quick "Hey, how are you?" kind of message. I've even reduced my active on social media because I don't know when I'll be faced with a triggering post.

I did have my first psychologist appointment on Tuesday, so I'm hoping that by unpacking all of this, it will help.