A lot of conflicting feelings

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]TW; Mentally ill rambling

15M

I basically just want to play video games and rot (or something else to distract from life) forever. It'e unhealthy to almost never move, eat, or take care of yourself but but the only things that motivate me to do those healthy things that involve leaving the house such as school. I want to shut out my life because it's such a pain thinking about everything. My mom always says how shutting out life by pleasuring yourself is an abusive behavior (because my dad does this with drinking and smoking to avoid my mom when he is angry at her) and I know it is which pains me to do it, but to try to ignore it I just do it more. It pains me to think about how what I'm doing to myself is very unhealthy and how I'm wasting a lot of opportunities, but thinking about that makes me do it even more which is UNHEALTHY. My parents punish me for this behavior indirectly. They do not take me to gaming tournaments (one of my few hobbies) or take me walking at a park (one of the few healthy things I like doing, I can't just go by myself because I live too far away from any parks, and my parents will call the police if I leave.). These things are some of the things that motivate me to take care of myself and be healthier, but I can't do them because I don't listen to my parents.

Basically I just ignore their existence altogether, and whenever I talk to them I talk to them about very neutral things. If I followed my instincts I would ignore them, disrespect them intentionally, disobey them more to make them mad, and basically just say "fuck you, you make my life terrible", so it is very hard to treat them with respect because of that, HOWEVER. A solution that works for me is to either treat them with respect NOR disrespect (talk about very neutral things and show little emotion when talking to them), or outright ignore them. So they take the things from me that serve as my only motivation to live. So one time they tried to take my phone from me (my primary means of shutting them out) and I was particularly determined that day to not let them have it. I was in my room in my bed with no way to escape (they blocked the door) and both of my parents tried to get it out of my hands at first. I started to say "please stop" over and over again to get them to leave me alone, but they ignored me (I in turn ignored their asks to hand over my phone by saying this). I was backed against the wall on my bed and they moved the bed out from under me, so now I was on the floor in the corner. My dad threatened to hit me with his belt and I started crying and screaming (keep in mind I was 14 when this happened). They recorded me while doing this, and I kept pleading for them to leave me alone. I also screamed for help. When I tried to run my dad held me on the floor with his knee over my stomach, and my mom immobilized my legs while they went through all of my pockets. My dad threatened to kill me at that time, and when they finally got my phone I ran into the bathroom and was sweating from anxiety, and felt like I had to puke from the adrenaline. Somehow I managed to get my phone back a few days later.

Now whenever I have a feeling my parents may attack me again I pack a bag and stand near a door or window, and if they try to do this I run away. I'm ashamed that this is one of my most traumatizing experiences, so I just hurt myself even more to try to forget about it. I have such a strong desire to be a healthier, and better person, but my desire to not listen to my parents is stronger. I have little hope left though... I'm probably doomed. I've tried to be a good person, but I can't. The one thing I want to do is be a good person. I'm tired of living an uncomfortable life knowing I'm killing myself while listening to my parents fight. My motivation to be a good person is waning. I want to be healthy and smart but I can't. I was at my parents' mercy for over five years because they homeschooled me. They never taught me anything and just punished me for using screens too much, so I was isolated at home. While I was homeschooled I self harmed a lot and stopped using screens to try and get my parents to notice that something was wrong with me, so they maybe thought about findning me treatment. I asked if I could go to therapy a few times back then but they refused to let me unless I listened to them more, which didn't make much sense to me. I have asked if I could go to therapy as well in recent years, but they have either said the same thing or that "I need to have a conversation with them first". That was the last thing my mom said and it was crushing because I had to build up a lot of courage just to say that. The main idea at first of shutting my life out, was to avoid my parents as much as possible until I was old enough to move out and seek treatment, but I have come to realize that that plan is too ridiculous and probably isn't going to work. I'm willing to DO ANYTHING a therapist tells me to. I'm too desperate to be a good person. My main goal was to move out and hopefully learn to be a good person without my parents being there cause I felt like that would make it easier. I am not a lazy person at all. I'm like this because of my parents (It doesn't mean that they're wrong)... CPS took action against my parents they lost my custody and I had to live with my grandparents for a while. I had to go to public school because of this too (I still am). I used this time to heal because at this time I was very depressed. I wanted to go to school so badly while I was homeschooled but my parents refused to let me go. They said I would get taken away by CPS for being too behind, but they never educated me to fix this issue. When I went to public school, for the first month I had to get undergo a lot of testing, and I had to work extremely hard. My school said that my academic skills and intelligence was relatively normal, but I was behind in math and had an unorthodox way of thinking.

School gives me little more than hope. It gives me the ability to talk to other people besides my parents and siblings, something that was almost impossible before. If I work hard I am capable of getting good grades, but my motivation is too low to do this. It would feel good to have some encouragement for my work in school, as me not failing is something that I didn't think was possible and it was hard to get to this point. I'm too socially awkward and have too much anxiety to make friends in my school. I have little hope that this will change.

I feel like someone that would benefit a lot from CBT, as I can not think at all. I can't make sense of anything. I just want to rot and play video games forever because it is too hard to think. Too hard to think.

You can tell my reading skills are poor based on this post, can't you?

My mental health is so bad at this point I'm developing word salad. I don't really know if anything I just put down is articulate. Sorry. Tell me if it's not, please.

Sorry for bothering this forum so much
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Hey,

You didn't bother us and your post makes perfect sense to me!

I'm sorry your parents aren't safe people to open up to. Mine weren't either when I was growing up and I get how frustrating and isolating that can be. Is there another family member you can talk to, like an aunt, uncle, or cousin, who won't judge you?

Does your school have a guidance counselor? It's not the same as a therapist but you may be able to get a little support that way. They do have to tell your parents if they think you're at risk of harming yourself or others, just as a heads up, but they might have some suggestions on how you can gain some of your motivation back and also improve as a person. If not maybe you can talk to a trusted teacher.

My therapist is having me write down at least one thing that went well that day, a good thing of the day. She specified that it doesn't have to be a major thing either. It could be something small like eating your favorite meal. It's just something that helps remind you that sometimes nice things do happen.

I know you said you have poor reading skills but it seems like your reading and writing skills are pretty good. Do you think you could use writing as a form of self expression just to get everything out? It doesn't have to be perfectly written. Maybe you can also try doing some form of art, listening to/making music, or trying out cooking or baking.

You said walking in the park is your only form of exercise that you like. Maybe you can try something else, but slowly. It does take time to build new habits. I try to do jumping jacks every day, for example. There's also exercise videos on YouTube that you can follow so maybe you'll find something fun.

Do you think your parents would allow you to join some sort of after school club or volunteering opportunity just to stay out of the house a little longer?

I'm sorry if this doesn't help, but I'm rooting for you!

Take care,
Dez