Triggering: My sexuality is a major issue, someone please help I dont want to be evil

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hello. My name is Chase. I am a 16 year old female to male transgender. I crossdress (wear male clothing) 24/7. The people around me all acknowledge me as male. I do not plan to pursue transgender surgery however, as it is against my religion.

That's just background information. This is the only service I could think to use for this specific purpose: I am having trouble regarding my... sexuality.

Look, this is gonna sound borderline criminal. I'd like to assure you that I have NOT broken any laws. Everything I am about to describe is 100 percent legal. It is morally bankrupt, it is indicative of psychological issues... but it is legal.

This means legal action cannot be taken against me for the things I say in this email. Surely you understand this. Also, I'd like to assure you nobody is being put in harm's way because of my... sexuality.
I'm never around children. I spend all my time shut away in my room, or at school. HIGHschool. Because I'm 16. No contact with children there, at all. So nobody is in danger.

Sorry for that long disclaimer. You just need to understand that I am afraid to say this stuff. This gets out, my life falls apart. And man, I JUST pieced it together. After so many things happened, which I maybe will have to talk about later... it was just rough.

But now, in regards to the topic at hand. Sexuality. Yes. So basically, for a while I thought I was just normal. Like, I'm biologically female and I like men, right? That's so totally normal. In junior high I dated girls, yknow how it is. Normal stuff. But recently that's taken QUITE the turn.

I started dating much older men in grade.. 10 or 11? I was like, 14.
The oldest one was 42.
The entire time he was like totally lying to me about other things but yeah, basically that's when my sexual preferences began to skew abnormal.

Now, recently, I've become obsessed with the idea of being a young boy. When I was a child, I was not allowed masculine expression. Now, I cling to every aspect of boyishness I can. In dress and style, and in activities and hobbies.
I have taken to admiring the young male form.

And again, at first it seemed like my gender dysphoria manifesting itself.
But now... well, about two hours ago I searched up "little boys in speedos" and jacked it to the images.
All of the images that showed up were LEGAL of course. The boys were not NAKED. Just in swimsuits. Swimsuit images are not illegal.

But legality doesnt always dictate MORALITY.
I know this is immoral. I feel such great guilt that I have hurt myself because of this.

Today, I will try not to hurt myself, as it still hurts from last time I did. Superficial wounds really. I give them proper wound care. Do not worry.

I just want some guidance on what I'm supposed to do with an attraction like this??? I still like adult men and girls my own age, so it's not like I'm exclusively into little boys. I just want to purge myself of the attraction.

Please help. I didnt know where else to go.[/size][/color][/font]

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this!

I know that swimsuit images aren't illegal, but I wouldn't search for those things anymore. It's a slippery slope for sure, and I know that you don't want to do anything immoral.

I think that this is something you should speak to an adult about, like a therapist or guidance counselor. They may have to report it to your parents given the nature of what is being discussed, but the important thing is you'd be getting advice from someone who is unbiased and won't judge you. Your parents may also be able to help you by putting parental controls on your computer or phone so you aren't able to look up images like this anymore. You can let them know you'd never act on your thoughts with an actual person, but that you know it still isn't right to be looking up images of this nature.

When you get thoughts about little boys, I would try to remind yourself of the reasons why it isn't okay to act on these thoughts. Maybe even write a list in your phone or on a piece of paper. For example, while dysphoria is one thing, young children are still minors. Think of other reasons why Also recognize that these could be intrusive thoughts. Let the thoughts pass without judgement or engaging in them. Maybe find things to do to distract yourself, like exercise, writing, drawing, reading, video games, or other things that you enjoy. When you get urges, turn off your phone and laptop and do things that don't involve the Internet so you don't get tempted to search for things. This explains more about intrusive thoughts. They get easier to deal with over time, but acting on them doesn't help.

Some of the things I mentioned like exercise, writing, etc, are things you can do as alternatives to hurting yourself as well. I see you have a lot of deep guilt, and you don't want to add to it by harming yourself. Self harm may take away the pain in the moment, but it always comes back with a vengeance, and I know you don't want that.

You can do this!

Dez

[Everglow.]

Hey there

Thank you for reaching out - I can tell it took a lot for you to do that and I'm glad you did.

I definitely agree with Dez that speaking to a professional might be a good idea. Sometimes thoughts can be really worrying and scary, especially when they are thoughts which a lot of other people don't have. It's important to know that you aren't what you think, and that you are in control of how you act. Even though you are having these thoughts, it's good to remember that you have the ability and authority to decide to not act on them. Speaking to somebody might just help you to understand your thoughts and work on how to move forward from this.

I hope that you are doing okay and haven't hurt yourself as you said. You don't deserve that. If you're struggling with urges to hurt yourself, you can have a look at the alternatives page and see if any of the suggestions there can help you to work through those urges. It is possible and these will hopefully help you to do that.

Take care

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time with this and hope that you will be okay soon. Thank you so much for coming onto teenhelp and telling us about what you have been going through.

When we are upset and having a hard time with something, it is always a good idea to try talking with someone who we trust because we are able to open up about everything that we are going through and then who ever we are talking to about this, they would be able to find different types of ways to help us out with this and then hopefully we can start to feel better soon. If you are not able to talk with your parents or siblings, then would you be able to try talking with a favorite teacher at school or the school counselor? They would be able to sit down with you and talk about all of this and help you to be okay soon. Also you can ask them if they would be able to help you to talk with your parents about what has been going on with you. By talking with your parents with the teacher or the school counselor, everyone would be able to stay calm and everyone can get a turn to talk about how they feel and why they feel like this and then hopefully come together as a family about what has been going on. When you are having a hard time with this, try finding something to help you to get your mind off of this for a while, going for a walk or calling a friend or playing a game or watching funny movies or TV shows or something else that you enjoy doing and hopefully this can help pick you up. I hope you will be okay soon.