Counselor from school.

So, I reached out to the counselor I had in school (she was employed by the school) during the time I was a student there. Recent events in the past few days–someone from that school dying, my current counselor's action and subject diverting yesterday, to name a few–has caused me to want to reach out to her.

She was my counselor from the time I was eight until I gratuated at the age of twenty. I was thrilled to find out that she is still alive and someone on the alumni Facebook group gave her the email address I provided. She wrote to me, and I think she was a bit wary at first. But my message reaffirmed that it was me, and she updated me a little bit on her life.

Then she asks me to catch her up. I want to tell her everything, but I can't remember everything. Don't remember if I told her what I was going through during the time I was at school, like when I met with her every week. I only remember one session, one morning in early March 2005. I want to tell her about every detail of my life in the past thirteen and half years.

But there are some sort of boundaries and differences now, right? I'm not sure if I should treat her like a counselor or a friend. How should I address her? It was a pretty small school and she was the only, literally the only one who cared about me and saw the real me in the time I was there. I'm feeling so conflicted.

I should have thought this through.

What do I do?

[Celyn]

How are things with your former counsellor?

It is very tricky to adjust to seeing someone outside of the professional setting and wondering how to treat them, where the boundaries are etc., and for this reason many professionals try to avoid this from happening. However, there is nothing wrong with updating your counsellor on your life.

Generally, I'd address her the same way as you did when in school as it shows respect. While it can seem very tempting to tell her everything, you want to make sure that you don't accidentally slip into treating her as if she still was your counsellor, as that can be one-sided. She was your counsellor and there will always be that slightly uneven dynamic, but it may not be appropriate to treat her as if she still was your counsellor. Perhaps you can try to strike a happy medium- giving an overview of your life, while showing some interest in her life (How's life? How's things? etc) and seeing where that goes.

If you felt comfortable enough, you could approach her about this. Ask her if she has a preference for how to address her, any boundaries that she might want to have in place etc.

Hey,

I could relate to this post a lot. I definitely hear you when you say you want to tell her every detail, as I'm the exact same way and this is something that I struggle with. I don't know if you see it this way, but I always attribute it to my ASD, as those of us on the spectrum tend to be extremely detail-oriented. This is why I can end up writing like, a ten-page email... I'm definitely not a "big-picture" person and often find myself missing it completely because I'm so focused on the minute details. This can be a good thing, but it also causes me a lot of anxiety because I overanalyze everything. I'm working on it, but you know, old habits die hard.

This probably sounds a little hypocritical coming from me, but believe me when I say that it's okay if you don't remember or include every single detail. If it's difficult for you to remember everything, chances are that she's probably a little fuzzy also. Rather than trying to focus on getting everything, you could focus on the most recent or most important events in your life. (Although to me, every detail is important so that's probably not great advice. ) Or, like Holly said, you can try to give her an overview or summary - although I still find that really challenging without going into detail. haha

As for boundaries... That's a tough one. And keep in mind that I also struggle with this stuff. I guess I would say to try to aim for something in the middle. I keep in contact with my teachers from high school, and I still call them Ms. and Mrs., but... It's hard to explain. In some ways, they're still my teachers, but in other ways our interactions are a little more casual than when I was still a student because they're not in a position of authority over me anymore. I don't consider my them my friends - as Holly says, your relationship will probably always be a little uneven because they're older, they were previously an authority figure to you, etc. But you might be able to laugh and joke a little more, and things might feel a little less strict and formal. You're also an adult now, so that can change the dynamic a bit as you're on a bit more of an even playing field than you were before. Where you're just reconnecting with her, however, it might take a little more time to get to that place with her.

As Holly also said, it's a bit more of a "give-and-take" dynamic as well, or at least that's been my experience. When I get talk to my teachers, I try to ask about their lives and their kids, whereas that didn't always happen in school because it was a bit more formal then.

This is all stuff I've been trying to figure out as well, and I'm definitely not always perfect at it. But if you feel comfortable, you can certainly ask her where the boundaries are! Have you emailed her already? How did it go?

I really hope you're doing okay. Best of luck with everything!