Not raped but still traumatized

[newyorkcomma]

I had been in a relationship with a guy who was very manipulative.

One day when he was sick I was at his house while his mom was downstairs. He was getting a little touchy and grabbed my hand to take me up to his room while I said I wasn't so sure about this, and that maybe we shouldn't with his mom there.

He kept leading me upstairs, and once in his room I said I wasnt really sure i wanted to and wasn't really reciprocating to his kisses and such. He walked me to his bed while I was slightly apprehensive of it all and then pushed my upper body across his bed and pulled my pants down. I had no idea what was happening until it actually happened.

I never said no, stop, or pushed him away. But the entire time a felt scared, used dirty and cried.

I don't know where else to go to talk about this or what actually happened and wondered if this happened to anyone else

[katpanda]

Something similar has happened to me. I understand how you are feeling.
He mustn't have been very sick if he could do that..
I suggest getting it off your chest and talking to him about it. Tell him how it made you feel. So, he can never do this again to you or anyone.
Because you never said no, this is why he kept going. Some guys aren't good with body language and can't see if you are feeling uncomfortable with certain situations or not.
The fact that he kept going while you were crying is something I can relate to. When it happened to me, it was with my ex and he thought the tears were a good thing as a sign as his penis was giving me great pleasure and it was make my eyes water. This wasn't the case, I was crying to him and telling him to stop but he kept going and because of his weight and build I had no chance of pushing him off til he was done.

Afterwards I had spoken to him about it and he said he never realised i was seriously wanting him to stop.

[newyorkcomma]

When I did try to talk to him, he threatened to kill himself and called himself a monster. I left him a while ago, and he could never take responsability for the way he would hurt me.
I wish I hadn't have been so scared, and that it he had given me more time, or it lasted long enough for me to even say no.
Even the times I told him it hurt to much, he didn't stop.

[katpanda]

What you had right there is the excellent case of a controlling boyfriend.
When he threatened to kill himself he was using that as a control against you. So, you could feel sorry for him instead of him trying to apoligise and make things right.
This is rape, and as I said before, some guys aren't smart enough with body language and such to recognise that you actually want him to stop. They find things like "it hurts too much" as good thing, so they keep going to hopefully ease you into it.

[newyorkcomma]

How anyone can be so oblivious to the pain they cause a "loved" one is beyond me. And how they can never feel any guilt when they hurt them is disgusting. I can't trust anymore, and get panick attacks when I'm with a man who I should feel safe with.

[katpanda]

The reason he may have been oblivious is because.. to put it the best way I can.. All he cared about was wanting to get his dick wet.
I know, it is disgusting and unbelieveable, but its the truth.

[snoogums]

I am really sorry to hear that this happened to you . I have been raped before by someone more than twice my age and it was one of the worst experiences of my entire life and although your situation wasn't entirely the same it can be just as damaging. I understand how you must feel it it must have been a terrible for you. Nobody should ever have to go through something like this and if it is bothering you and making you feel used and dirty as you said then I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone about it maybe a friend or a councellor? I wish you the best of luck with everything and feel free to pm me anytime if you ever need to talk.

[NevermindMe]

It was obviously a terrible thing to happen, and it's great you unloaded the controller.

On the other hand, unless you verbalized the words "No." or "Stop it." then you were not technically raped and from the standpoint of the law there is nothing that can be done.

However if the situation is troubling you, and counsellor or therapist will go a long way in the road to recovery.

Good luck.

- Justin

[BECCALICIOUS!]

Originally Posted by JKmadu619

On the other hand, unless you verbalized the words "No." or "Stop it." then you were not technically raped and from the standpoint of the law there is nothing that can be done.

She never gave verbal consent, therefore it is still rape.

[Coffee.]

You never said yes, therefore, this was a sexual assault. Have you told anybody what happened before this? I'm so sorry this has happened.

[Stargazed.]

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Speaking with a counselor or a trusted friend/family member will help you in the long run. I'm always around if you want to talk.

[Disappearing]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It was against your will, so it was sexual assault in some form. You may find it easier to get through it if you talk to someone you know about it. You can message me anytime if you'd like to talk.

[newyorkcomma]

I told the guy and he ignored me for 3 days and tried to kill himself. And my friend freaked out saying that I shouldn't make as big a deal out of it since other girls are "actually raped" and attacked..
I've never called it raped, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel as if something was ripped away.

[Ghost On The Highway]

First of all, nycomma I'm really sorry this happened to you. To me, it sounds like the guy is severely troubled and is unable to express his emotions. I imagine he does feel sorry for what he did, but is either too proud, too insecure, or too afraid to apologize -- hence the "parasuicide." Either way, I'd recommend staying FAR away from him. I pray you recover from this trauma and find someone who will love you for who you are.

Originally Posted by BECCALICIOUS!

She never gave verbal consent, therefore it is still rape.

As I understand it (which is to say not very well ), consent for sex does not necessarily have to be verbalized. Rape law is quite vague and subjective; as a result, many guilty men go free and many "innocent" guys are punished disproportionately for their "crime" (especially in cases of statutory rape). The girl doesn't have to say no -- obviously many cases of rape involve people who are asleep or incapacitated.

However, she also doesn't have to sign a Dave Chappelle-esque love contract or say "Oh ___, I hereby consent to this act of lovemaking and give you permission to do whatever is necessary to..." to make sex consensual. Nonverbal cues are also legally acceptable, which blurs the line between sex and rape significantly but protects the average dude from vengeful exes, crazy fathers, etc.

[newyorkcomma]

Thankfully, I live about 4000 km away from him now. And he's a passive agressive person who was babied all his life by is psychotic mother, (no dramatization) who was a master manipulator.