my ex raped me

[horselove66]

oh, i put my birthdate in wrong. i just turned 16 today......

ok, this is a very long story....but here goes-

when i was 15 in may of 2011 one of my guy friends raped me. thankfully, he used a condem and i didn't get pregant. i told my parents and he got put in juvy. i couldn't hold him off he was much heavier than me.
i wasn't supposed to date anyone, but in the end of may this guy, who was super hot and popular (chris) started paying attention to me. he was so sweet and told me he loved me and all that crap. and i started dating him secretly. things where ok, until in june he raped me. and he kept raping me. he abused me phyiscally, mentally, and emotioanlly. telling me i wasn't thin enough, or hot enough. he constantly raped me against my will and NEVER used birth control. he scared me. he constantly hit me and hurt me.

i started cutting and developed anorexia. one day in august, my bff shawn (known him since i was 2 and he was 3!) was over and we where goofing off and my shirt slid up and shawn saw my hip bone. he was shocked and then when he tried to confront me about it, he grabbed my arm and saw the cutting marks. he was horriffied. but forced me to spill it.

shawn went with me when i broke up with chris. he protected me from him, and helped me get over it. shawn is a really great guy. he has a great personality and is everything a girl could want, sweet, funny, hot, romantic, and he's really cute (think peter parker from spectacular spider man without glasses and a bit taller with a lil six pack), but he's considered a loser at school because he doesn't date and has never had sex.

he was with me the entire time and stopped me from suicide, cutting, and anorexia. he's the best thing that ever happened to me. and then on 8/1 we where watching titanic and something in him clicked. he leaned over and kissed me. i was a bit shocked, but i kissed him back. he asked me if i wanted to date him and i said yes. we've been dating for almost three weeks. but on 8/15 we where alone at his house and we made out. it was amazing.

but, ever since the end of july i've been feeling really sick and i've been vomiting. i weigh alot less and i'm just sick. my breasts are super sore and i'm dizzy. i thought i might be preggo so i took a test on 8/17. and it's positive. there is no way i'm pregnant with shawn's baby it's chris's child.

i called shawn up and told him. he's livid at chris, but doesn't blame me. he offered to say the baby was his, but i told him no. this is chris's fault. if he hadn't have raped me and used a condem, i would't be in this place.

i feel like crap. i told my parents last night and they kicked me out so i'm staying with shawn. i don't know what to do. i'm scared to death and i don't want to abort this baby. i can't kill my own child. even if his/her father was a @ss. shawn says he'll be here for me, but he's only 17! he doesn't need a messed up girl in his life. he deserves so much more.

i just want to die. i started cutting again and i want to kill myself. only thing stopping me is that i'm pregnant and i don't want to kill my baby.

i don't know what to do. i could go stay with my grandmother, and i know shawn will drive me to her house, she'll support me, but how do i tell chris? i don't want anything to do with him! shawn says he still wants me, but what if he doesn't? i'm scared. i still have nightmares because of chris. he forced me to do stuff to him and he beat the crap out of me constantly. i'm scared to go anywhere alone.

please don't say it's my fault. i'm scared enough as it is and everyone is crapping on me. i know i made a mistake, just please give me some advice. i just want to die. shawn and my baby are the only reason that i'm still living.

[FlyingTrue]

What you need to do would be to go to the police. That guy had no right to do what he did, and furthermore your parents had no right to throw you out like that. You were taken advantage of in an abusive relationship and nothing that happened was your fault in any way.

Right now it is good that you are currently in a safe situation with someone that appreciates you and cares about you right now. Normally people victimized in abusive relationships experience many self-esteem issues like you are having right now as a result of the intense mental and physical trauma. Now that you are away from him you can start to recover. Things will start getting better soon.

[Fabrication]

I just want to say one thing, you might want to censor your weight numbers, they aren't allowed sorry
and another thing, your parents had no right AT ALL to kick you out, even if you did date a guy without their permission. If they really cared for you they would help you out instead of being snotty and bitchy to you. It's not your fault you were raped many times and were abused.
You really need to go to the police station and file a report.
Furthermore, if you want to kill yourself, you are also killing your baby in which you said you didn't want to. Not to sound mean or anything but I'm just clarifying that
I hope all goes will for you, Alayiah

[horselove66]

i feel like it's my fault. i was constantly being asked out by guys. (i still do) and i'm sick of it. i'm more popular then some kids at my school, and i did flirt with chris. but after we started dating i told him about losing my virginity and he acted so upset and sorry for me. and he said he would never do that. and i was stupid enough to trust him.

i don't feel like i can trust anybody again. i'm having a hard time trusting shawn even. and i've known him since is was a baby. i'm just scared i'm going to get hurt again. i told shawn i'm done with having sex and he ""says"" he repspects that, but i'm not sure. what if he dumps me because i won't sleep with him. that's really the least of my worries right know though. i'm just trying to figure out how i'm going to live and how i'm going to survive the next 5-6 months before the baby is born. i want my baby. i'm not going to live with regrets and give it up for adoption or abort it. those aren't options. even if it IS chris's child. it's not the babies fault. it's MY fault. i deserve to be raped. i deserve for this to happen to me. i'm such a horrible person. i hate myself. i'm not ready to be a mom. i'll make a horrible mom.

my parents are so mad and they blame me. they told me i was a disgrace and a horrible example.

oh? guess what, chris just sent me a text telling me he's **so** sorry and he'd like to talk with me. yeah right.

[dancinfool]

Aw hun. No-one EVER deserves to be raped. And there's nothing wrong with flirting with someone you wanted to be in a relationship with, its not your fault at all that it turned bad and he (Chris) turned out to be a horrible person. Going to your grandma's might be a good idea- Shawn sounds like a great guy and I'm sure he would respect your feelings with regards to sex (especially since he knows everything you've been through) but it might be good to have some time out to sort yourself out, which being at your Grans would allow you to do.

If you can, it would be a good idea to tell the police. If you're going to keep the baby you ought to tell Chris that it is his but it doesn't sound like he would exactly make a good father. With regards to you making a good mother- no-one is 100% confident about having a baby. You might find that it would work out just fine; lots of people have babies young and make great mothers. If you think it would be too much to deal with thats fine too; have you considered putting your baby up for adoption? It obviously wouldn't be easy but is a better option than abortion if you don't want to do that.

Also have you seen a doctor yet? Or a school counsellor? I don't know how it works in other countries but in the UK there is plenty of support out there once you are brave enough to ask for it.

Remember, none of this is your fault. Your parents reaction is completely unfair; hopefully they'll come round; but its great that you have at least two people in your life (shawn and your grandma) who you can trust. Stay strong and things will get better.