Was I raped or just dumb

[kidfromnowhere1]

I was 15 and there was this guy who was a cool senior. He was the best basketball shooter on our team. I was a tenth grader that winter. I had liked him I think. He was charming cute and had a great sense of humor for the most part. Not to mention at the time I did have a thing for tall guys. Anyway I noticed him a lot before he noticed me. Then, in March we started talking a lot. He gave me the time of day which was odd. I was always the weirdo at school a nobody. I guess I kind of obsessed over him. Like my mind belonged to him and all I could think of was him and when I'd get a glimpse of him. I loved when his eyes lit up I loved when he was serious silly sweaty from work I liked it all. I said once I thought he was the greatest guy I ever met. I confided in my best friend saying I loved him. He always said I was getting too attached. I kind of looked up to him. Anyway, we texted a lot. I always was like texting him and I always wanted to talk on the phone. Just to hear his voice I felt butterflies in my stomach. One day he asked me if I was gay and then if I ever had sex and then about a private question. I said I was gay for him and I wouldn't mind if he was the first I had sex with. I was seductive in the text I know it was one of my biggest mistake I made. I also sent suggestive photos I had sent to him which was the hugest mistake. I was religious before this. I had religious principles before him. I tried to ignore it. I tried to pretend I gave it up. I did things I wouldn't have done for anyone in this world. I actually intended to save myself until marriage. But I liked his attention the more sexual banter we had. However, when it actually came to being active. I couldn't do it really. And I regret I answered that way because it wasn't the truth in what I was actually wiling to do. And I didn't even mean at the time that I would be willing to so soon. Even though it was he who I fantasized and dreamed about ever since I met him. Well shortly after that, he kissed me and I let him. He went further I said no that I didn't want to. I, tbh, felt wrong with just kissing him. Idk if it was because I'd never kissed anyone before or just that I knew I wasn't supposed to. Plus I'm not usually attracted to guys. Even though before that I did have thoughts but it sort of eventually went away like it would come sporadically, but mainly I kind of blocked out sexual thoughts and activity. I grew up in a pretty traditional family if anyone found out. They'd totally disown me. My sisters and I spent our young years in a very religious community. Many of both my mom and dad's family are still there. My mom only took us and left because of a dispute. I always was taught that much of the outside world had a low moral conduct and I thought I'd never fall. But I eventually did. And I know none of my family would think any of what I did was acceptable. Neither would I. Anyway, it wasn't what I wanted yet I didn't want to disappoint him. And he seemed pissed when I said no anyway. Later on, well I was almost 16, and my parents were planing on moving. Anyway, he said he wanted to see me one more time before I went for good. I, too, wanted to say my goodbyes. We had such good times. Did so much together more than just the sexual side. I had bonded as a friend to him and he was so important to me. So I went to his place. When I got there he was all funny though acting like not himself. And the time there it was awkward. It was like he had something else on his mind but wouldn't tell me. Anyway we spent that afternoon together. I did something else stupid after this. I let him talk me into having a drink. I don't drink usually don't actually plan to ever never did up until that moment. I felt so bad and out of it just with one drink. I remember him kissing me me kissing him letting him do anything he wanted with me myself somewhat doing oral so obediently wanting to say no but I couldn't say really anything. I mentally didn't really have a choice like I wasn't there. Like I don't even remember having sex just that there was blood all over when I came back and I felt as though I had an erection and I was in his bed his room completely undressed so yea. But the whole actual thing went really black. I believe I was drugged which were bad effects later on because I only had one drink and he had a drink and it wasn't the same. But I felt violated traumatized ashamed and betrayed. I got home bawled for hours. I felt so stupid used and tricked to let that happen without doing anything about it. I thought he loved me that he wouldn't do that that I could trust him. He also threatened if I told he'd say I wanted it since I did say while texting several time I wanted to be sexually involved and even showed videos of me masturbating etc. I tried to put it all behind me like I never met him but I couldn't. It's just been eating at me my self esteem and isolating me putting a wall between people I cared about. I lost my family the close bond I had my closest and cut my true friend off and I just cut myself off from the world around me because I was and am too scared of being hurt again. It's been a year and I still haven't been able to move on. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I'd never wish it on anyone. I feel like no one would understand why I did all the things to provoke it. I also I got anstd which made me feel me like a dirty slut. Like it was that reminder for a while of him. But I'm std free now. I know it all sounds dumb and all but that's how I truly feel. I feel like it was GOD punishing me as well for not the many times I didn't listen to my moral compass to please a guy who apparently didn't care about me and have really renewed my faith since the only really good thing I got from it which is a lot I am not going to pretend. Anyway was it rape even though all that I did? Also any advice?

okay well i think it would be kind of like rape or some kind of sexual abuse. by the sounds of it you were drugged so you obviously had no controll over it at all. and the whole texting thing... it could kind of say that you wanted it with him, but on the other hand you just were not ready. when you said no to him before he should have accepted the fact you were not ready. that is also probably why he drugged you, so that even if you weren't ready to do any of it, you wouldn't be able to say no. and i can also relate. one of my ex's and i would text really dirty things that i regret sooooo badly! and then at school when nobody was looking he would touch me . i know how you feel about it all. the one day he had acually raped me !

and from any realationship it takes a while to move on from. it's just taking longer for you because you really loved him and had really strong feelings for him. the best way to move on his make new friends, hang out with the friends you allready have, have fun, keep reminding yourself the things you love about yourself, do something you really like to do and havent been able to do in a while.. stuff like that should help. it helps me and a lot of other people. also just talking about it sometimes and getting your feelings out can really help.


and you should never feel stupid, you regret what you have done but what's done is done, it's okay to move on, it will be a bad memory... but maybe it's a lesson learned. and you don't call yourself a dirty slut ... it wasn't your fault this happened.


i don't think god punished you in any way. i think that he was trying to teach you a lesson of some sort and you just haven't found out what you learn from all of this yet. i know that for me and how many times i was sexually assulted, i can still smile and say "i'm okay". i am emotionally hurt, and it is a long process on how to feel better and open up to people again. for me personally it made me stronger, and it made me realize that people arent exactly how they seem. maybe god was just trying to tell you the same thing.


bottom line is... i'm only 13, i dont know for sure if this would be rape but i am pretty sure it would be. you should tell a parent or someone close to you or even the police just to try and see if they can help a little bit. and none of this was your fault, you just simply weren't ready to have sex with him and he didn't respect that, and that was very wrong of him.


if you ever need to talk message me!!



btw: sorry for such a long reply lol

[kidfromnowhere1]

I just wish I could go somewhere to talk about it. I don't want them to report it if I told. But I know I need help. It's just I don't want it to get back to my parents.

[dredear]

Hey, It sounds like you were either raped or molested. Don't blame yourself this is in every way his fault. If he drugged you that makes it much worse on his part, You couldn't defend yourself.
I know how you feel but if you want to get past this you need to tell someone. Try talking you your friend again. Even talking about it can help you get past it. As hard as it may seem it will help to talk to someone. Not everyone will hurt you.

Pm or vm me anytime if you want to talk (:

[NevermindMe]

If you consumed alcohol and got drunk, he can go to jail.
If you consumed alcohol and got high, it is so, so much worse for him.
It sounds to me as if he did rape you.

You certainly were not acting with extreme intelligence, but being raped is not your fault, regardless of if your actions were "Dumb" or not.

Also, you did not break anything with christainity. Being gay is not a sin. That is a bullshit scripture added in the 1600s due to social pressure. That's 1600 years after Jesus died, and it hold no releveance.

Secondly, underaged drinking has nothing to do with the bible either. It's not the smartest choice, but it certainly isn't something to be mortified about.

Thirdly, being raped doesn't have anything to do with the bible. He violated one of the ten comandments, he majorly screwed up. He is a very bad person, and you did nothing wrong.

So you kept mentioning religious faith, but really you have done nothing wrong. If you don't want to be religious, screw it. If you still do, you have done not one bad thing yet.

I would contact help ASAP. I understand how hard this is to work through, and how humilating it is, but you have to tell someone to prevent it from happened again, either to you, or another person who looks up to this terrible man. Save someone else the shame and the pain, and tell someone. You don't want to report him, but you have to stop being selfish and save other people. He could do the same thing to five, ten, fifteen or more people if you don't. Do you want others to go through what happened to you? Probably not. Please just report him, get help and try to move on.

Good luck.


- Justin

[kidfromnowhere1]

I'm actually not gay I was just curious back then


I know I need help it's just I don't want it to go back to someone who will judge me. I still live with my mom and it would be pretty bad if it was found out they'd think I was lying to have an excuse which wasn't the case at all.

[NevermindMe]

Originally Posted by kidfromnowhere1

I'm actually not gay I was just curious back then


I know I need help it's just I don't want it to go back to someone who will judge me. I still live with my mom and it would be pretty bad if it was found out they'd think I was lying to have an excuse which wasn't the case at all.

Fair enough. You just mentioned how you were "Religious" and "Had morals" "Before him" so I felt the need to inform you, that you have done nothing wrong.

And they won't think you are lying. You might have to tell them twice, or three times but they WILL believe you eventually. Keep telling them until they believe you. You MUST be tthis sorted out.

Again, good luck.

- Justin

yeah, i know how you feel about not wanting your parents to know about it... really the only thing you can do is talk about it to a close friend that you trust wont go telling your parents, but its hard to get help without them knowing, i think that eventually they will find out.. it would just be easier to just sit down and talk to one of them or both about everything that had happened so they can help. but really you cant get much help without them finding out sooner or later.

best of luck