Triggering: rape, depression, sex, therapy..

[kaytastrophie_xo]

I'm sorry for this post but my thoughts are racing and nothing is making sense. I really need to get some of this out and I would really appreciate anything anyone has to say...

I have been very depressed lately. Actually, I've been depressed for a long time. I was raped two years ago and it has taken a huge toll on my life. But honestly, when I think back, I believe I've been depressed since I was a child and I never understood why. But after I was raped my depression/mania (don't know which yet..) has gotten worse. And then a few days ago I snuck the brother of the guy who raped me over to my house and we had sex... It was the first time I have ever had sex willingly. The only other time was the rape... I wanted it this time. I finally had the choice and I finally felt like I had control. I don't regret it. But that is the problem. Why don't I regret it? Why do I care so much about this guy? Is it wrong? My parents tell my I'm fucked up for having anything to do with this guy. They say he's going to be just like his brother. But what if he's not? From what I've seen he's not. I know it's not normal to have sex with the brother of your rapist. I know I'm only 16 and I shouldn't be having sex anyways but when I was raped everything changed and for some reason I've been participating more and more in sexual behaviour. My mom found out what I did and so I'm in huge trouble.. And I'm having a really hard time dealing with this and not being able to talk to this guy. He means a lot to me, despite what my mother thinks and I really care about him. Once my mom confronted me about knowing what I did, I almost killed myself. I knew my whole life was about to get even worse and I knew I wouldn't be able to be with this guy anymore, ever. I'm going to see a therapist for the first time in two years on monday... I'm extremely nervous. I'm afraid I won't be able to open up. What if I don't know what to say? The last time I was seeing a therapist it didn't go well... And I'm not good at talking about my feelings to begin with. I just wish I didn't feel so miserable. I want things to feel better. But I don't see that happening... I stop feeling miserable when I'm with the guy I was with. But I'm not allowed to even talk to him. And I also have another friend that helps me through a lot but again I'm not allowed to hang out with him because my parents think I'm screwing around with him. It's just hard, I don't know how to deal and I don't know what to do anymore...

Hey there,

I wanted to tell you that things will get better. I know that sometimes life throws horrible things our way but with times these horrible things will turn to good.

Now, I think that the relationship you have with this guy is a complicated one. I don't think he should be categorized as a bad person just because his brother was the one who raped you. However, I think that your parents might be reacting this way because they are worried about you and love you and only want what is best for you. I believe the way they are handling the situation might not be the best but I also believe that they are just as confused about the whole thing and they don't want anything to happen to you.

As painful as it is I think you should let things rest for a bit and then try to talk to them about this guy. With a little time and some cooling off they might change their minds or at least be a little more willing to listen to you.

As for the therapist; I think it is a great idea for you to go to one and maybe after a while the therapist can help you talk to your parents about this situation.

Therapy is a very scary thing but the truth of the matter is that it can really help. It can take a while to find the right therapist but once you do it will be worth it. The thing is that a therapist is pretty understanding and they are also pretty good at seeing both sides of a situation and trying to help you see both sides and come up with solutions. Therapists are pretty good problem solvers.

So, as nervous as you might be about seeing a therapist please do not let it get in your way because it will probably be a really good thing. And, remember that it can take time to build a relationship with a therapist and to find the right one. However, please try not to let that stop you from talking to them. A therapist can only help you with as much as you are willing to disclose so the more you disclose the more they can help you.

Please hang in there and if you need anything please do not hesitate to pm me.

Jenna