Triggering (Abuse): Roommate showing abusive behaviors

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]So, one of my roommates, we'll call him Tom, has started recently showing signs of being an abuser. The way he's spoken about his previous marriage also lends me to believe that he was abusive towards his former spouse as well. I've not credible evidence, but after witnessing an interaction between him and another of our roommates, I've started worrying.
I noticed this evening that I've started jumping a lot more when he's moving around or doing just about anything, which is a bad sign. I've also come to notice that I seem to want to go to the Emergency Room as I feel safe there, and I don't feel all that safe at home now.
I've also started having sort of waking nightmares where I can see him throwing me across the room or into things, which has me more terrified.
I just don't really know what to do.[/size]

Hi there, thank you so much for reaching out. It's perfectly understandable for you to feel anxious around your roommate, especially if he's been speaking of his abusive past. Would it be possible to speak to another roommate about this and see if you can't come up with a safe plan? The Emergency Room is great, but I know you wouldn't want to take up time of doctors when they could be attending to patients with more pressing issues.

If not your other roommate, do you have a trusted adult you could speak to? Someone in your community, employment/school, someone that has been kind of a mentor to you? I can't imagine having to live with someone who speaks so freely of their abusive past, and then have to suffer silently. Because the nightmares you're experiencing are valid, and your fears are valid!

If this persist and you can't find a reasonable solution, it might be wise to consider finding a place of your own. See if your other roommate would like to share the new apartment with you, so you don't have to take the burden of rent, utilities, and groceries on your own. Whatever you decide to do, I hope things work out.

Thinking of you. Feel free to reach out again if you need to.

[Dawn.]

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment. It's not a nice feeling living in fear of a roommate. Your home is somewhere that is a safe environment. As Ethereal. mentioned, I would suggest speaking to your other roommate about your thoughts and feelings and what they make of the situation. I would create a safe plan in case something does happen and let a trusted adult know what is happening as well.

I hope this helped. If you ever need anything, my inbox is always open.

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thank you for reaching out! I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It can get incredibly stressful when your home doesn't feel as safe as it should be.

Reactions like jumping suddenly when he's around or having nightmares are just your body's natural instincts. If anything, your mind has been sharp enough to sense the red flags/warning signs about Tom given your careful observations about his behaviour and the way he speaks.

However, it would probably not be conducive and sustainable to go on living this way at your apartment if you're not feeling fully safe in Tom's presence. Have you thought of alternative living arrangements? Are you in a position to move? I can understand that moving is a demanding process financially, emotionally and physically, but you might want to consider some other living options.

The others' suggestions of speaking with your other roommate is also a good idea. It helps to share your thoughts; for all you know, they might be on the same page as you.

Take care, and please feel free to PM me if you need to chat.