My friend groped me

[Ragamuffin]

Last weekend, I met up with a friend whom I had briefly dated. I ended the relationship nearly 2 years ago as he never really made an effort, but agreed to stay friends. We’ve talked on Snapchat since but never really seen each other since we broke up until recently. We went out and got a takeaway then went back to my flat where we mostly just talked. It was good up until he suddenly grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap. I thought he was just messing around at first but then he started groping my breast while breathing heavily. I wriggled away as quick as I could and landed on the floor and while I was getting to my feet he gave me a wedgie (something he used to do when we were dating. I always found it unpleasant but never said anything) and then just sat there smirking. I was so disgusted and creeped out but I was also in shock so I just laughed it off and politely asked him to leave. After he left I spent the rest of the evening crying and feeling very violated. I don’t know what to do. I will definitely not be meeting up with him again but I don’t know whether I should message him and tell him what he did was wrong. I’m very upset that someone I had know for 5 years and considered a good friend would do this to me. I still feel horrible even now and have trouble not letting it affect me while I’m at work.

[Astro04]

When love gets bad. Surely you must be afraid.
I will report him.

[Mallika]

Hello Scout,

Thank you for reaching out. I'm so, so sorry that you had to go through this. My heart goes out to you.

What he did is VERY unsettling and downright WRONG. It the sort of thing that shatters every ounce of trust you had for this person. It's completely natural to feel violated; I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.

First things first, you took the right call by deciding never to meet him again. I don't want to tell you what to do, but this is one way of going about it - I'm an advocate of being open and honest, so I don't think it is a bad idea to make it clear to him that you are immensely upset and hurt by what he did. Sometimes, people need to be taught a lesson. You could draft a concisely-worded message, sharp and to the point, without emoji's, and send it to him. After which, you could block him on all platforms (don't wait for his reply, or else you will have a back-and-forth conversation). Then you can make a clean break, while having closure that you spoke your mind about the incident.

During such a difficult time, I suggest seeking help. Even if you don't meet a professional, it would be good to get some load off your chest by speaking about this matter to a reliable person. This could be a good friend/colleague at work or a parent/family member.

Take care! And please don't hesitate to reach out to us if you need advice again.

Best wishes,
Mallika

[Coffee.]

Hey Scout. I am so sorry this happened to you. Regardless of your dating history, nobody has the right to touch you without your consent and what he did to you was wildly inappropriate.

There is no "right" or "wrong" answer to what to do next, the choice is yours. Healing in situations where we've been harmed by somebody we care about looks different for everybody; some people want to completely block the person and never speak to them again, but for some people, they may not even want to cut the person out of their lives or are unsure yet. How you respond and the boundaries you create in the wake of what happened is your decision. Mallika (above) gave some great advice about drafting a letter outlining the incident. Whether or not you choose to send it, getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper may help you process what happened. If you choose to send it, you can block him afterwards, but if you're comfortable, you can also engage in dialogue. I would consider your safety and the relationship you want with him afterwards, and know that you can always change your mind.

I am so sorry to hear this happened to you, what he did was not right. I think it would be a good idea to not even interact with him again, block him if he tries to contact you. It's not worth your time or energy to be invested in someone who violates your personal space and doesn't respect you when you tell them to stop doing something.

I think Traci and Mallika already gave great advice. I just wanted to put my two cents out there as well.

Feel free to reach out again if you need to and remember to take care of yourself.

[Dawn.]

Hi there Scout,

I'm so sorry to hear happened to you. I agree that not speaking to him anymore if the best thing to do and that also means blocking him from all forms of communication. It was not the right thing for him to have touched you the way that he had and it was definitely unacceptable. If you ever need anything, feel free to message me.