Triggering (Abuse): Want to be a victim

[vonnievon]

Its simple: I very well know that rape and pedophiles are bad, but my ill brain tells me its not and finds both of those things... arousing. Im thirteen and Ive never been treated harshly - my family are the nicest people I know and even through I dont have friends, I like being alone and I have a dog. At school I was bullied a little and obsessed with my girl classmate that I had a crush on but thats irrelevant I think.

Somehow, I want to be a victim of physical abuse or grooming, rape - that stuff. But Im sick of feeling that way because its disgusting and creeping me tf out. Like a year ago I figured out that I might be a masochist but that doesnt excuse the fact that I want to be hurt by someone so much older than me who has full control of me - since im a child and weak.

I am very scared of the thoughts I have because people say that you always get what you want and even through I do want to be a victim, at the same time I dont...


Please help I dont know what to do, I started seeking the attention of pedophiles on the internet already

I've debated how best to answer this. I might not say what you want to hear, but I am going to try and help as best I can.

You are not alone in being aroused by things that are illegal, perverse, or dangerous. Many people experience these feelings. I am not sure what drives our sexuality, or determines what we find arousing, but it doesn't stop just because one or more of those desires is illegal or immoral.

However, and I hate to say this, but you are very young. You said it yourself; you are "a child and weak." You cannot give consent to these activities, even if you wanted to pursue them. But what's concerning is that, largely because of your youth, I don't think you realize what true criminals are capable of. I don't know if you have some scenario in your head, or idea of what you want, but these people are pure evil. I guarantee you the kind of things they would come up with are things you can't even fathom. I assure you, you do NOT want to be victim to that. You really, really don't.

Being the victim of sexual assault, grooming, or rape is...well there's no real words for the devastation, the grief, the pain, the fear, and the self-hatred it brings. To experience these things at a young age can alter the entire course of your future. I assure you, whatever you think you want, I promise it's not that.

Being as I am an adult, you are a minor, I don't feel comfortable really recommending a course of action. There's probably some reading you can do, and I have found journaling helps me with my feelings, so it may help with yours. But I am keeping it pretty general. I just really hope you reconsider trying to seek out these experiences and making them a reality. It's not what you want. I promise.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and welcome to Teenhelp It is wonderful that you have joined us and are asking for help. When something horrible happens like this to us or someone we know, it is so hard to be okay with this. We may not know how to open up or ask for help or a lot of times we just keep it to ourselves. Horrible things should not happen to us and they do, with the right support and time we can start to get that hope back in us. I hope everything works out for you.

[hocus pocus]

Hello,

I know you posted this a little while ago but I hope you don't mind me adding something.

Someone above mentioned that many of these people are capable of truly horrible things, and they are. Harming others is wrong, but some will go further to make sure victims are quiet. It can escalate a lot faster and go further than you might otherwise think.

Did you get around to trying some journaling? I hope you find it helpful when you do try it.

[WhisperingSilence]

Hi, I have been a victim of sexual abuse, and I can tell you it is not something you want to be a victim of. It shatters you from the inside out, and as others have pointed out - the people who prey on victims etc are not very nice people, what you think is the worst they can do and probably do worse than what you think is the worse. I was a child when I was sexually abused and I only spoke out about it last year. I am now nearly 31 and I will be honest with you I still have nightmares and days where I cannot think about anything but what I went through as a child.
I would really encourage you to speak someone like a professional etc, as you are vulnerable and need help.

[lonely16]

sounds like bdsm? I'd be careful w/ getting into that. can be abused quickly...

[charlengifford]

I am glad that you decided to talk about it on the forum, it's an interesting theme, that surely relates to a lot of people, my advice is to wait, only time will show you what you realy want.