Triggering (Abuse): Uhhh so I made a big mistake

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]It can be hard to admit you're wrong. I've been in denial about this for a long time. But what I did was wrong. It was a mistake. It was not anyone else's fault but mine, and I KNEW better. I was just... in denial. My (now 15M but at the time 14M) boyfriend (32M) broke up with me some time ago. I knew it was wrong all along.... We sort of got into a fight. I left on a trip and I told him I wouldn't be able to contact him for a few days. Then he got mad at me for not answering his calls and texts and accused me of cheating and not actually caring about him... hes sort of clingy sometimes. I told him that I literally couldn't text him because my parents were constantly around when we went on our trip. He said that if I cared I wouldve found a way... anwyays he broke up with me. It hurt my feelings a lot if I'm being honest... but I think I need to stop thinking with my feelings and think with my actual brain. And the more that I REALLY think about it...the more that I read through the messages my friends sent me when I told them about him and the people online saying that he should be "in fucking jail"... the more it began to go through my thick skull and into my brain that this wasnt a good idea. This relationships was a mistake and it's good that its over. But he shouldnt be in jail like people say. They see the age gap and assume that he was at fault. No. It was my fault. I was the one who hit on him in the first place. I flirted and stuff... I started this whole mess. When he asked for nudes I never said no. I was stupid, I didn't set any sort of boundaries... I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to keep him in love with me. At the time I didnt see anything wrong with it. I saw he was twice my age and went "okay and?? So what? I'm mature. I know what I'm doing." Anyways I was wrong? I didnt know what I was doing. Now when I read my friends messages that say "holy shit, he's twice your age" it feels like being stabbed. I heard those words before, but they didnt really sink in and now that he's left me and I've had some time to think...the words DO sink in and they hurt. I've sort of come to realize that he never was in love with me... he was just faking it to get a steady supply of pics and vids of my body :/ which is sort of upsetting now that I realize it... like it makes me feel all gross and sick inside. I'm going to do better in the future. I think I rely on other for validation and appreciation too much. Obviously if nobody's going to give me the love I feel I need, and nobody's going to treat me with the gentleness I feel I need, I'm going to have to adapt. And this lack of parental love is something I was trying to make up for when I hit on this man. And it was something he found easy to... prey on? It feels weird to say it like that because I'm still getting used to seeing him in this new light... as a bad dude. It really was my fault overall tho, if anyone is in the wrong here it's me. Obviously, this sort of thing is kinda dangerous and I have to find a way to live without that love and validation and all that bs. I'm basically an adult now, or at least my life is treating me like I am, so I need to make better decisions. The first step of that is admitting that I made a mistake. I made a mistake. It was a bad decision. I did this to myself, I was both the victim and the perpetrator... and what did I gain? A temporary feeling of love and then a sickly realization that a 30 year old man saying he wants to fuck me so hard I cry isn't love. Jesus christ. We only dated for two months and I feel so fucking SICK inside. I guess I'll just be more cautious in the future... and I'll listen to my friends. They mean well, and I'm gonna tell them that I'm sorry for being so mean when they were only trying to help. I made a mistake. And god, I'm so sorry. I honestly wish I'd never done it. I wish I had used my fucking brain. Deleted everything to do with him off my phone... but I still feel really gross and like... contaminated in my insides. Like I'm dirty and I'll never get clean. Now what? What steps can I take to feel a bit better, and to stop thinking about it? It sorta plagues me now. I made a mistake and I just want to forget about it. Please help me.[/size][/color][/font]

[Rivière]

There's that saying - it takes two tow tango. The same applies here. You can put the blame on yourself however much you want but it doesn't take away the fact this man chose to ask you for pictures. He knew you were underage and he still went along with leading you on.

Maturity comes in different levels and is measured in different ways. Yes, you're obviously mature in the fact you've come to realise what's happened to you and I applaud you for taking into consideration everything that has happened, actually thinking about it maturely. However, maturity also comes with life experience and age. Not just the way a person behaves and thinks. You're still very young and he's over twice your age. You haven't had enough life experience to understand that this person was clearly stringing you along this entire time. You didn't have the life experience to realise that this man was clearly a predator. Now you do.

It doesn't matter how many nude pictures you gave him. It doesn't matter about any sexual texts or whatever sexual activity you behaved in. Fact of the matter is that he knew engaging with you was against the law (I'm assuming you're from a Western culture here) and he still went ahead with his advances. He knew you would give him whatever he wanted because he's clearly the first person you've had such strong feelings for and you thought his reciprocation was genuine. You hadn't yet had the life experience to see that he wasn't with you for the reasons you believed.

Not only that, when we truly love somebody, we do crazy things. We disbelieve anything and everything our friends tell us. Even if we subconsciously know they're right. We just don't want to believe it because once we believe it, it becomes real, and then we have to deal with it; usually quite painfully. Nobody likes to deal with pain, so we bury it and behave like nothing is wrong.

No mistake is a mistake if you learned something from it. In this case, you've gained valuable life experience and now recognise a predator. You know that this man was only after you for the fact you were young, because this is the kind of thing he likes to engage in - sex with young boys. This isn't your fault. You aren't to blame. You were simply naïve because again, you lacked life experience.

I would suggest coming forward to the police with what has happened to you but obviously I can't force you to do so. However, think about how many other young boys he has/could be doing this exact same thing to. It's paedophilia and it's against the law. It's not about age gap. It's about the legality of the situation. He knew that it was against the law to engage in such activity with someone under the age of 16/18 and yet he went ahead and did it anyway. You're not of legal consenting age whether you realise it or not. You still aren't. This man took advantage of you because he knew you were young and naïve.

With all of that said, I think it's an incredibly huge step to come forward about all of this, and discuss what has happened to you. Please don't blame yourself for what has happened. You're not at fault! He is. Put the blame where it belongs. With him.

[Everglow.]

Hey there,

First of all I'm really sorry that you've had to go through all of this, and I really feel for you in that you're struggling to adjust your mind to seeing things from a new perspective. I understand why you feel like it's your fault, but I want to repeat what Sarah has said above. This man knew that he was significantly older than you, and more importantly that you were under age. The age gap itself isn't the issue as many adults, who are of age, have very happy relationships with large age gaps. The issue here is that you were under the legal age of consent. And he knew that, yet perused you anyway. Please, never ever feel like you're in the wrong here. Yes, you know now that this relationship was not a good one, but when you have feelings for someone that doesn't always register. You broke no laws. You didn't take advantage of anybody. He did. And I'm so sorry that you've had to come to terms with that.

You have said that you want to apologise to your friends, and I do think that talking to them is a really good idea, but I would encourage you to talk to them honestly about how you're doing too. At the end of the day, you can't help how you've felt towards this man. Your friends were definitely right in pointing out the issues with this relationship, and it sounds like they could be a really good source of comfort while you're dealing with this. Don't be afraid to lean on them when you need it. You don't need to do any of this on your own.

Sarah also suggested speaking with the police, and this is an option too if you choose to go down that route. Depending on what country you're in, the procedures may work differently, but you can maybe do some research into what will happen if you report it. If you choose not to, then that's okay too. It's your decision, and if you don't feel like it's the best way for you to deal with this, then that's okay. It's your choice. But I would recommend trying to find some help in other ways by speaking to a counsellor or somebody you trust who can help you rationalise your feelings and redirect the hurt you're feeling away from yourself, because none of this is your fault. Just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean you're a perpetrator here. You don't deserve to be angry with yourself for something he had the knowledge and insight to know better than.

I know that dealing with the feelings you have is going to be hard, and a lot of the time it's difficult to deal with them because there's so much negativity in your mind. I would advise trying to find a way to organise your feelings. Maybe you could use writing, or drawing to get how you feel out of your head and onto paper. You could write poems, or journals which nobody else needs to see unless you want them to, and it might help you to creatively and healthily understand how you feel.

You can also have a look at the Resources page here on TeenHelp to see if anything here might offer you some extra support or advice on coping with this. There are some really useful links there, and they might have some extra information for you. The Hotlines page might also help if you're struggling to find people who you can talk to without fear or judgement. Please don't feel like you can't reach out and discuss this. There are people who can help you.

I'm sorry again that you're dealing with this and I can't imagine how you're feeling, but please know we're here for you, and you're not to blame at all. Be kind to yourself, you're not in the wrong.